--Gen. JC Christian, patriot.
Thank you mein general.
I'm very disappointing by the response to my resignation announcement. My enemies, God's enemies, are suggesting that my stated reasons for leaving were insincere.
They're saying that I must be leaving because of a scandal. They loudly wonder if I'm fleeing because I fear upcoming Vatileak revelations or that I'm being blackmailed about that thing with Monsignor Spompinare, three altar boys, and a he-donkey. It's a filthy lie. It wasn't me. It was a case of mistaken identity. Some verrotte schwanzlutscher, probably a slav, was wearing my mitre. I swear on the Holy Mother that is the truth.
Of course, mein supporters see the truth about these lies, and they know who's behind them:
Supposedly he [Me] was “dogged by scandal” and hurt dialogue with Jews, Protestants, and Muslims (if only!). His alleged petty, mean spirited actions? He quoted a 14th-century Byzantine emperor describing the founder of Islam in a negative (but accurate) manner; he affirmed that the Catholic Church possesses the fullness of Truth, and he sought to reconcile the traditionalist Society of Saint Pius X with Rome (which made leftist Jews, who already hated the Church, mad.)Ja, Herr Danial is correct. Die Juden have always hated me. They are jealous of my Teutonic fabulousness.
I resigned for the reasons I stated. I'm sick and I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of the Swiss Guard's failure to follow my orders to occupy the Sudetenland and invade Poland. I'm tired of that bitchy queen, Cardinal Lajolo's, snarky remarks about the cut of my Falda and maniple--as if that silly arschgeige knows the difference between Prada and prosciutto. And most of all, I'm tired of all those Hollywood prostituierten upstaging me as they model their dresses on the award show red carpets. The Grammys were the last straw. I'm done.
That's why I'm resigning. I'm leaving to spend more time with my personal secretary, Monsignor Gänswein. We're going to pursue our dream of moving to Argentina and opening up a bed and breakfast for elderly, German expatriates. They'll accept me. They're meine kameraden. We'll sing the Horst Wessel Lied until we're as hoarse as Monsignor Gänswein on penance night.
Heterosexually yours in Christ
Benedict PP. XVI, Pont. Max., Episcopus Ecclesiae Catholicae (Ret.)