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Monday, July 20, 2009

FEMA Forced Palin to Resign

Glenn Beck

Dear Mr. Beck,

Many people laughed and called you insane, delirious, and "just plain fucking crazy" when you warned us that Obamaslamunistofascists at FEMA were building concentration camps for regular Credulous-Americans like ourselves. But all that laughter is going to stop on July 27th. That's the day FEMA launches National Level Exercise 2009! And yes, it is as sinister as it sounds.

The Arizona Citizen's Militia has all the intelligence on this. According to them:
  • The federal government will use the this "to murder everyone who has ever owned a firearm."
  • Sarah Palin knows about it. That's why she's resigning on the 26th.
  • DHS Secretary Janet Napalitano announced it in a press conference, declaring: "Anyone exhibiting symptoms is being referred to an isolation room where they can be evaluated by a public health official before proceeding to their destruction."
We need you to do something now to stop this from happening. That something is the thing you do best, crying. Yes, we need you to get on your show and cry like you have never cried before. We need your tears to motivate the masses. We need your tears to rust the tracks of the Russian armor hidden in the forests of the Okanogan. We need your tears to wash over the land in a wave of godly destruction, drowning those who cherish reason above faith and the freedom above God's law.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. General, Sir:

    Glen Beck does not cry, until he sees the red light on the camera--or, until his mommy won't spank him anymore.

  2. We need his tears to douse the fires raging through the Okanagan, to clear the brush in preparation for imminent mobilisation.

    Ewps! I've said too much...

  3. I used to work for a state analog of FEMA, back in the Clinton years (when James Lee Witt was running FEMA and it actually, you know, did stuff), and we were always amused by the black-helicopter crowd insisting that FEMA was this sinister martial-law agency that was going to confiscate everyone's guns after the next big disaster.

    You'd think the response to Katrina would have reassured these people that even if FEMA had been intended for such a purpose, its dismantling under Dubya and Brownie had left it completely unable to mount that kind of operation.

    But I guess not.

  4. The Patriotic Militia of Arizona Patriots says that, among other infidels, AUSTRALIAN troops will be on the streets to oppress Americans. (And they didn't bother to capitalise the "M" in Meskin troops. Was that deliberate? If so, oooh -- SLAP!)

    There's been no news here about this deployment. Everybody here thinks the Diggers are in Irakganistan protecting freedoildom, and policing Pacific islands that you can hardly find on a map that are full of unruly people with built-in tans.

    What I want to know is, WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME?!? Sure, I'm not a troop, and I'm on the wrong side of 50 to be invading another country. But I know the lay of the land in America, and I have a list of people who need to be oppressed. YOUR RESTRAINING ORDERS DON'T MEAN SQUAT IN THE FACE OF A FEMA CRACKDOWN, BITCHES!

    And I'm sure that every American will lay down quivering when they hear me repeat Saint Ronald's nine most terrifying words in the English language: "I'm from a foreign government and I'm here to oppress you."

    (OK, that's 11 words. But who's counting? Except me.)

    As soon as my midnight shift is over, I'm going to take the tram down to Victoria Barracks and demand to be put on the next black airplane flying over for the oppression. Thanks for the heads-up, Gen'l.

  5. When all the people who own guns are rounded up and exterminated, can we have their stuff? Not including the guns, of course.

  6. Why does that pic of Beck remind me of an aging, overweight, alcohol-addicted Draco Malfoy?

  7. Its true. We Australians have been in on the plan for ages now. Us, the poms and the canucks. Its because we don't look swarthy. If we don't look swarthy, Americans won't have their highly-tuned internal terrorist alerts go off and get their guns. We can all sneak up on them, quiet-like and WHAM! Off to a FEMA concentration camp!
    Only liberals will be left and they'll throw a big party and have abortions and homosexually marry each other and stomp on the bible and give everyone health care and other disgusting things.

    Everything was going to plan until that meddling kid, Palin found out! Now, look at her. She is quitting to show she isn't a quitter in Alaska to not-quit and expose our plan!

  8. General Sir,
    From the banks of the Okanogan to the shore of the mighty Bear River, patriots await. Code Ribbon, Repeat, Code Ribbon.
    Sir, the Jordan North 24th Stake, er..., Division stands ready, Sir.
    As for Brother Beck, I am still burning in my bosom at the inspirational performance that he bestowed upon us at the Stadium of Fire.
    You just can't fake tears like that.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.