It's in Jesus' hands now

You may remember Dr. Wiley S. Drake. He's the Southern Baptist Conference vice president who asked God in imprecatory prayer to take the hair/teeth/life of a couple of secularist press contacts who had angered him. Dr. Drake and I have traded a number of emails since I wrote to him, asking him to use the power of imprecatory prayer to make Mitt Romney's hair and teeth fall out and to cause him to "shart" on Meet the press. I'm reprinting our exchange thus far, below.

Dr. Drake responds, clarifying his intent when he endorsed Mike Huckabee while using tax-exempt, church-owned, resources:

From: wileydrake@hotmail.com
To: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2007 1:44 PM
Subject: RE: Helping Gov. Huckabee

FYI

FIRST SOUTHERN BAPTIST CHURCH OF BUENA PARK
DR. WILEY S. DRAKE, PASTOR
6801 Western Avenue, Buena Park, CA 90621
Phone: (714) 522-7201 Fax: (714) 522-7202

2nd Vice President 2006/2007
SOUTHERN BAPTIST CONVENTION

August 16th, 2007

Re: Clarification of my personal endorsement of Mike Huckabee

On August 11th I issued the following statement, " After very serious prayer and consideration I announce today that I am going to personally endorse Mike Huckabee"

I would like to clear up any confusion by the following statement.........

"I was speaking only for myself, and even though my letterhead had "First Southern Baptist Church" and " The Southern Baptist Convention" and it was broadcast on the radio station "Crusade Radio", I was not speaking for either of these groups. I said in my statement, "I am going to personally endorse"

Any identification with First Southern Baptist Church, The Southern Baptist Convention, and Crusade Radio was simply my 1st Amendment right to free speech to identify who I am.

I also would like to offer to any political organization equal and/or free air time on my show, "The Wiley Drake Show".

I ask Dr. Drake for further guidance:

From: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
To:
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee
Date: Sat, 18 Aug 2007 14:27:43 -0700

Dear Dr. Drake,

Should we continue to pray, asking God to smite the testicles of Joe Conn and Jeremy Learing, yea, even unto causing their scrotal treasures to whither as the precious grape withers into a tiny raisin in the burning Negev sun?

heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Dr. Drake isn't very helpful:

From: wileydrake@hotmail.com
To: jcchristian@charter.net
Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2007 3:36 PM
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee

Do what God tells you to do.

Still, I follow Dr. Drake's advice and discuss it with Jesus:

----- Original Message -----
From: Gen. JC Christian, patriot
To: wileydrake@hotmail.com
Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2007 4:47 PM
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee

Dear Pastor Drake,

Thank you. He's telling me we need to continue to work the loins until the filthy secularists can't defend themselves anymore. Then POW, we knock them on their asses.

He also said something about the flesh of donkeys and the issue of horses, but I can't quite figure out what he meant [note to readers: could this be it].

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

After thinking about Dr. Drake's response for a day or so, I send a followup eamail:

From: Gen. JC Christian, patriot
To: wileydrake@hotmail.com
Sent: Sunday, August 19, 2007 1:43 PM
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee

Dear Dr. Drake

I've been thinking about your answer for the last 24 hours or so, and I have to say, I'm very disappointed. It looks like you let these secularists bend you over the hood of a candy apple red 1974 Dodge Charger and have their way with you. I mean, are they still our enemies or not? Shouldn't we continue asking the Lord to smite their teeth, hair, and testicles? Those are questions you should be able to answer if those secular bastards don't have you cowering behind your pulpit like a frightened little girl? Indeed, you answered both questions last week when you commanded us to enter into imprecatory prayer, but now you're trying to shift responsibility toward Jesus by telling me to ask Him if I should continue our spiritual assault on these godless men.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Having not received a response to my last two emails, I decide to chat with Jesus again and ask Him what to do. Jesus comes through for me yet again with the best advice a Redeemer, Lord, and Savior can give.

I think it's only right that I tell Pastor Drake what Jesus told me, so I'll send the following email to him after I finish this post.

Dear Dr. Drake,

My disappointment with you grows daily. Not only did you offer yourself up to be the secularists' punk and try to shift responsibility to Jesus for declaring jihadrusade against them, now I find that you are even too cowardly to respond to my emails anymore.

I was going to let it drop, but I decided to ask the Lord for guidance one more time before I did so. He came to me in a dream last night and instructed me what I should do next. I know it was Him speaking to me in the dream because it was unlike the strange, undecipherable dream I have every night--the one where I'm dining with the singer, Prince, and he's stuffing a huge kielbasa into my mouth as a quintet of otters sing the Village People hit, YMCA. This dream was different.

I dreamt that I was living in the times before the Great Flood. It looked a lot like the Flintstones, actually, with Methuselah and Enoch and the rest using domesticated dinosaurs to mow their lawns and wash their dishes. Then suddenly you appeared and began removing the dinosaurs. Once they were gone, you started replacing the people with godless, filthy, socialist, secular-humanist austropithecines.

Obviously, Jesus was trying to tell me that, indeed, the secularists had made you their punk, and that now you're willingly doing the bidding.

The dream shifted gears at that point and suddenly I was faced with a huge bag of sorts. It was wrinkly, very narrow at the top, and very large at the bottom where it appeared to hold two enormous watermelon-shaped objects. The objects looked very heavy, their combined weight stretching the bag to a great length and stressing the wrinkles into a vertical orientation. Upon further investigation, I also noticed a number of long gray hairs emanating from the caucasian-colored bag walls.

Then it struck me. I was standing before an old white guy's crotchal danglings. But these weren't just any old white guy's scrotal treasures. They were certainly yours, because God has no reason to show me John McCain's. I didn't ask Him about McCain or anyone else.

Suddenly, at the moment i achieved understanding, the great watermelons began to shrink until they was nothing there to pull the great scrotum down. Relieved of the weight, it returned to its normal shape, making a rather painful sounding snapping sound.

The meaning, again, was obvious. Our Lord was commanding me to go to the people and ask them to pray an imprecatory prayer against you. And that is what I'll do.

Here's the prayer I'll use:

Our Father who art in heaven,

Dr. Drake hath dishonored you. He hath abandoned you after secularists laid hands upon him an madeth him their punk. He passeth responsibilty for his actions to thine Son. He hath forsaken you.

Oh Lord, we ask you to take Dr. Drake's hair, and, verily, his teeth as well. And Lord, we ask you to taketh hold of his manhood, yea, even upon his scrotal treasures, and taketh his sweet grapes and expose them to the Negev sun, so that they may become shriveled like raisins yet too bitter to serve as a substitute for candy, yeah even as bitter as the craisin of the cranberry.

And Lord, please bless Chris Masters so that he may leave the ring in triumph when he battles The Great Khali for the World Wrestling Federation heavyweight belt.

I ask these things in the name of Our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

I really hate to do this, but you've brought it all onto yourself. It's between you and Jesus now.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Speaking to the Base using God's Love Language

Jay Rogers
Executive Director
The Forerunner International Ministries

Dear Mr. Rogers,

Like you, I'm very excited to have Sarah Palin on the ticket. She's a fellow Christian dominionist who believes America should become a theocracy and that God wanted us to invade Iraq. She's also a soldier in Joel's Army, a supporter (and her husband, a long-time member) of the Christian separatist Alaskan Independence Party, and most important of all, she is fluent in God's love language, having attended a number of churches where "speaking in tongues" is a part of the service.

Also, like you, I'd rather see her than John McCain sitting in the Oval Office. Your recent blog post on that topic was very interesting. I think it's probably the first time since 1860 that a Christian leader has publicly asked God to smite a Republican President (clearly, you want it to happen only if he is elected):



But, just a moment ago, as I went back to the post to get a link, I noticed that you changed number three to say:

3. Pray for John McCain's salvation and pray specific imprecatory prayers if he fails to pro-actively defend the sanctity of human life.

It was a mistake to make that change. Think about your audience. They aren't the most imaginative bunch, and they're pretty much opposed to book learnin' in any form that doesn't include the Bible--I mean for heaven's sake, they believe God flooded the earth because demonic giants were after our white women and that Noah was too lazy to build an ark large enough to save the dinosaurs. Do you really think they're capable of understanding that "specific imprecatory prayer" means "ask God to smite McCain's sorry ass?" I don't think so.

I understand why you might have had second thoughts about calling for McCain's death. It makes you appear a bit crazy to just about everyone but the Palins and their fellow dominionists. But I think there's a way to get that message out to your target audience without anyone else catching on. All you need to do is "type in fingers" using God's love language. That way, only the righteous will understand it.

Here's how I'd write it:

3. Pray for John McCain's salvation and boogaboogula nawdami gabba gabba hey! (Google The Forerunner's articles on Imprecatory Prayer if you think this is harsh).

Of course, you may prefer to substitute "Awop-bop-a-loo-mop alop-bam-boom" for "gabba gabba hey." I made my choice based on a desire for brevity, but it's just a stylistic difference, really. Both phrases basically mean the same thing, the only difference being the size of the anvil. That said, expressing God's love language by "typing in fingers" is new to me--I prefer the results I get when I hungrily apply my tongue in the feverish expression of my own personal love language--so my written translation skills may not be as developed as yours.

I hope my suggestion works out for you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A TSA Officer Wages Spiritual Terrorism Against my Man Hairs

Matthew W. Lloyd
Assistant Federal Security Director For Law Enforcement and
Witch Finding, Albany International Airport
Transportation Security Administration

cc: Transportation Security Officer Mary Bagnoli, TSA

Dear Asst. Director Lloyd,

Before I report my problem, I want to thank you for your quick action in firing that witch, Carole Smith. It isn't often in today's secularofascist society, that a supervisor recognizes that hexing car heaters qualifies as violence in the workplace. I salute you for your vigilance.

Unfortunately, it appears that the car heater hex victim, TSO Mary Bagnoli, may have also committed an act of spiritual terrorism. I believe I'm her victim.

It happened last night. After spending an evening honoring the troops at my favorite Seattle-area sailor bar, I woke up, naked and sticky, in the establishment's restroom. That's not unusual in itself. Satan tempts me more than other men. He understands that if he can turn a man of God, many others will follow. But Lucifer always fails. I use Jesus' redemptive powers and Mr. Thor's Great and Terrible Spatula of Repentance to thwart his plans. He'll never have me for more than a few hours.

But this time it was different. Part of the southern-most-positioned portion of my man hair (if you know what I mean) was missing. What was left appeared to be trimmed in the shape of a heart. It was embarrassing as hell. Even Mr. Thor couldn't hide his smirk.

I couldn't figure out how it had happened, so I knelt down in prayer and asked the Lord to explain. Almost immediately, he responded by planting the explanation in my mind. TSO Mary Bagnoli was to blame. Angry about my post urging the use of vienna sausages in TSA body scanners, she had prayed an imprecatory prayer against me, resulting in my man hair loss.

God apologized, explaining that TSO Bagnoli is always asking him to smite people in their secret parts, and He just wanted to shut her up. That was good enough for me, although I did suggest that if His conscience still bothered him, He might find it useful to visit Mr. Thor.

Still, I believe TSO Bagnoli should receive the same punishment you gave TSO Smith. An imprecatory prayer assault against a man's hairs is just as wrong as a hex on a car heater, perhaps even more so, given the amount of ridicule the former prompts.

Please consider firing TSO Bagnoli immediately.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Asking Jesus to kick some ass

Dr. Wiley S. Drake
Second Vice President, Southern Baptist Convention
Pastor, First Southern Baptist Church of Buena Park

Dear Dr. Drake,

Most pastors would panic upon learning that Americans United for the Separation of Church (AU) and State had filed an electioneering complaint with the IRS against them. Not you. You simply responded by coolly commanding your followers to call upon our Lord and Savior in imprecatory prayer, to cause AU press contact Joe Conn's teeth to fall out.

I understand that you support Mike Huckabee in his quest to be our next president. Indeed, it was your endorsement of Huckabee written on your church's letterhead that prompted AU to file it's complaint.

I also understand that you are an Ambassador for the Presidential Prayer Team, and as such, I assume you are employing the power of prayer to assist Huckabee. But have you considered how much more his campaign could be helped by imprecatory prayer. Imagine how voters would react to a hairless, toothless, boil infested Mitt Romney. And why stop there, why not ask God to make Mitt fart loudly and scratch himself during interviews. Heck, I can't wait to see Tim Russert squirm as he tries to explain that sharting live on Meet the Press is a savvy campaign move. How about you?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

May the Lord God of Abraham shrivel your testicles like a raisin in the Negev sun

Gordon James Klingenschmitt, Chaplain, USN (ret)
PrayinJesusname.org

Dear Chaplain Klingenschmitt,

Far too often, Christians respond to charges of wrongdoing by either turning the other cheek or by quickly repenting and asking for forgiveness. That's the wrong response--it's wimpy and unmanly. It's not what Jehovah would have done. He'd have kicked some ass; he'd have smited the offender's whole city with hemorrhoids.

That's why I was so happy to see your response to charges that you were improperly wearing your uniform for political and religious purposes. You didn't turn the other cheek. No, you uttered the following imprecatory prayer:

Almighty God, today we pray imprecatory prayers from Psalm 109 against the enemies of religious liberty, including Barry Lynn and Mikey Weinstein, who recently issued a press release attacking me personally. God, do not remain silent, for wicked men surround me and tell lies about me. We bless them, but they curse us. Therefore, find them guilty, not me. Let their days be few, and replace them with godly people. Plunder their fields and seize their assets. Cut off their descendants. And remember their sins. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Now some might say that Our Lord, God of Abraham, would be engaging in a bit of overkill if He granted all of your requests. I mean, hey, is economic ruin and impotence (that's what you mean by cutting off descendants isn't it--I'd have gone more for, "Please Lord, dry up their testicles like a raisin in the Negev sun," but that's just me) really an appropriate response to a cease and desist letter from a lawyer? I have one response to such wimps. Look up Judges 2:23-24. God sent two she bears to eat 42 children simply because they mocked a bald guy. You're letting Weinstein and Lynn off pretty easy if you ask me. Heck, you're not even going after their teeth.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Imprecatory Prayer of the Northern Wolves

Sky Goddess
Earth Father
Snow Mother
River Daughter
Cave Son
All

when the hunters flew in the sky
and killed our brothers and sisters
we tried to run but could not escape
the long guns, the bullets hot and cruel
they come at us so fast

the land is our home
the air is our spirit
the prey is our food
the world is our life

when we are gone our children cry
when we howl we are alone
when the sun rises
it rises without us

Sky Goddess
Earth Father
Snow Mother
River Daughter
Cave Son
All

hear this and know:
we are evolving in a dream
we are walking in the hunters' night
we smell their blood money
we mark their minds
we are running in their shadows
we are the endless pack in the forest
this night the mercenary sleep is fitful
this night we arrive in a different world
and take them apart
and break their skin
and turn their arms into branches
and turn their eyes into birds
and set their jaws agape
we are standing as sentries among the killers
this night we howl in their lives
this night will be all nights
and the killers will know us and fear sleep
and the killers will know us and fear sleep

Sky Goddess
Earth Father
Snow Mother
River Daughter
Cave Son
All

when the moon is full
look for us beyond the hills
we are running
we are the hunters once more

Sky Goddess
Earth Father
Snow Mother
River Daughter
Cave Son
All


++++

Pastor Anderson: Teabag Martyr

Pastor Steven L Anderson
Faithful Word Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Anderson,

Satan's out there, whispering into the ears of your fire alarm business clients, telling them to cancel their contracts with you. And now, you're beginning to feel the pain. That's what your sister said in a post at the Faithful Word Baptist Church Listeners (password protected) web site:

I'm sure by now you've all heard about the recent media attention my brother Steve has gotten about his preaching. What you may not know; however, is how this negative publicity has affected him and his family. Not only have they been repeatedly harassed and threatened, but this has all but destroyed his fire alarm business--he just lost his biggest client over this!

This is terrible news. If your slide into bankruptcy continues, you may suffer the same fate as the Edwards family: your followers (or was it your wife?) will hack your blog and mock your children for living in poverty.

But I guess there'd be a silver lining. Your family would qualify for socialized health care.

Becoming unemployable is the price a pastor pays for praying for a president's death. It was bound to anger people and convince them you're insane. You knew that. Now, it's time to accept your role as a martyr.

Not that being a martyr is a bad gig. Martyrdom is Sarah's Palin's cash cow, and it's a cow she can ride straight into a GOP presidential nomination. You might be able do something similar by parlaying it into a lucrative teaparty career. God knows, those folks never grow tired of threats against presidents (Democratic ones, anyway).

But then again, maybe you could use your threat-issuing talents to save your business. Get all of your followers together to attend imprecatory prayer-a-thons at local businesses. Tell the owners it'd be a shame if the prayers prompted God to rain fire and brimstone down on their businesses. I bet they'd buy your alarms then.

Please tell Zsuzsanna I'm looking forward to reading all her new bean recipes.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Let God strike the Obamaites in their secret parts

Stuart Shepard
CitizenLink
Focus on the Family

Dear Mr. Shepard,

As much as I love your idea of using the power of imprecatory prayer to ask God to deluge Barack Obama's acceptance speech with a vengeful rebuke of hellish lightening and stinging rain, it's not an adequate response to the threat he and his followers represent. After all, this is a man who is hell bent on taking our white women. God's response should be commensurate with the crime.

Let us, instead, ask God to punish Obama and his followers with the same curse He levied upon the ancient Philistines of Ashdod, Gath, and Bethshemesh. Yes, let us ask the Lord to smite them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

It'll be a hell of a lot more effective than a little lightning or rain. And as I'm sure you know, it's nearly impossible to concentrate on taking white women when your ass is ragged and bleeding.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen, JC Christian, patriot