David Brooks' next book: Congelicals on the Farm

David Brooks
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Brooks,

As a resident of the Heartland, I'm tired of being denigrated by faithless blue-staters. My festering anger for these elitists finally erupted full force last Thursday when I saw the Frenchman, Alan Colmes, attack culture of life activist Neal Horsley for engaging in a traditional Heartland pastime.

You can read a transcript of the show at Newshounds:

In the course of the interview, however, Colmes asked Horsley about his background, including a statement that he had admitted to engaging in homosexual and bestiality sex.

At first, Horsley laughed and said, "Just because it's printed in the media, people jump to believe it."

"Is it true?" Colmes asked.

"Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like I..."

AC: "You had sex with animals?"

NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."

NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"

AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"

NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."

Now, I wouldn't be so upset if this was the first time the French had belittled this particular traditional value. Just last week, they were all in an uproar after the First Lady told a story about Our Leader's love for loping his ponies. And I can't tell you how many times in last couple of years I've heard snide remarks about Sen. Santorum's dog fantasies and Sen Cornyn's box turtle fixation.

I just can't understand why they have a problem with us exercising our stewardship over God's creatures in this way. It's not like Horsley's mules, Santorum's mutts, or Cornyn's turtles were male--that would be sick and offensive in God's eyes (Our Leader's horseplay is OK because as any abstinence-only educator will tell you, stallion stroking doesn't count as sex).

It's time for us to strike back. Perhaps you could do a column on it or, better yet, a book. You could call it something like Congelicals on the Farm: The Left's War against the Conservative Evangelicals of America's Heartland.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot.