Fox News Channel
cc: Bill O'Reilly, Debbie Schlussel
Dear Mr Ailes,
I'm worried that Bill O'Reilly's current rate of launching at least one personal attack every 6.8 seconds isn't sustainable over the long term. Eventually, his audience is bound to suffer a kind of defamation fatigue, and that wouldn't be good for his ratings.
Bill needs to bring a little more variety to his show. One way to do that would be to punctuate his verbal abuse with a little physical violence--perhaps he could take a baseball bat to that little atheist girl who offended him, or he could shank Geraldo Rivera with a home-made shiv.
Better yet, he could put Debbie Schlussel on as an Ed-McMahon-like sidekick who ferrets out and bites any Korean or other brown crypto-indionesianislamunistofascist who might sneak his or her way onto the show. Of course, there would always be the risk that Schlussel might escape the set and bite Sean Hannity or John Gibson, but I think that's offset by the merchandising opportunities her mouth foam offers. I mean, who wouldn't want a bottle of genuine Debbie Schlussel mouth foam to use to unclog your sink or clean the corrosion off your car battery terminals. I bet it would rival the O'Reilly ReamMaster 5000 in terms of popularity.
And that brings up another possibility: add a little romance to the show. Picture this, once or twice a week, Bill interviews a guest or a staff member while he pleasures himself with his ReamMaster 5000 and soaps up his loofah. Now that's what I call must see TV.
As always, I'd be glad to help you make this happen. Just give me a call.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot