What would Jesus Shill

One of the things about blogging I've found interesting over the years is just how different the audiences for patriotblogs and francobloggers are. You'd think that inasmuch as both sides address political issues, the audiences would be similar, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Being a "markets-rule" kind of guy I like to thing that the best way to understand a blog's audience is to look at it's advertisers. They should know who they're targeting, after all.

If you look at the big bloggers on the left, you'll find that they tend to mostly run idea ads, by that I mean ads for candidates, advocacy groups, books, etc. Today, for instance: Atrios and Talking Points Memo are running an ad for a political conference; Kos has a veteran's organization's ad up; Crooks and Liars is featuring an Obama spot; and all four are running an ad for a labor union, SEIU.

Right wing audiences want something a bit more useful than ideas. As conservatives, we want to earn quick easy money and to beat people up. I've noted this before in posts I wrote about the ads on Little Green Footballs and Powerline touting the promise of the Iraqi Dinar (If you had bought 25,000 Dinars for $40 back when I wrote that post in 2005, you'd be able to cash them in for $20.67, today!) and those on NewsMax offering courses on arm breaking and how to drive a paperclip through another man's skull.

Today, I thought I'd share a few clips from some of the financial services ads Townhall (which is owned by Christian broadcaster Salem Radio) emails to those lucky enough to be on their mailing list. I received this one today, telling me about the 20 best investments for 2008:

Fellow Investor,

I’m Louis Navellier, and as the editor of the Blue Chip Growth Letter, it’s my job—no, make that my passion—to make YOU MONEY!

He must really mean it--he put it in caps. Here's more:

That’s why this year’s Almanac is so important to your future. It not only warns you away from the stocks and the sectors that will hand investors some of the most devastating losses in their lives…

…but it also shows you why and where we’re investing in 2008 so that we can continue to beat the market 3-to-1 and help you grow 274% richer with us.

A 274% profit! Damn, that's better than the Iraqi Dinar! And notice how he skillfully uses ellipses to fully inform potential buyers of the potential risk.

Here's one from last week:

Dear Reader,

I recently took a five-day tour of Nevada, to learn the secret details of the State's most guarded retirement strategy...

You see, most Americans have no clue that in Nevada – just miles from the Las Vegas Strip – hides a secret residents have been using for years to help them grow rich, and stay rich, well into retirement.

I call this opportunity "Nevada Royalties" for reasons that will become clear in just a moment.

In short, it's an opportunity that enables ordinary Americans to collect lucrative financial royalties – between $250 and $950 – several times a year.

And these small royalties are just the tip of the iceberg...

The real gains could come in the form of a big lump sum when you cash out, within 12-24 months after you receive your first royalty check.

That's not just talk. He has real life examples:

Take 58-year-old Austin Wilkes from Kingstown, RI for example...

Not only has he collected 7 royalties this year, but he also cashed out on a lump sum payout of $12,899.46. See for yourself below, in the government records I obtained on my trip:

Wow, this guy must be very respected. The government even uses his brand "Nevada Royalties" on its records!

Finally, here's one from January:

Dear Reader,

I had an interesting dinner recently with Jeff Clark, a former money
manager for some of California’s wealthiest families.

Over prime rib, Jeff told me about one of his favorite investments in this
type of market... a unique way to possibly make thousands of extra dollars in
income within 24 hours.

Yes, you read that right. He can afford prime rib. How does he do it? Let's see:

Beginning tomorrow at 10am EST, you could have as much as $1,550 "transferred" into your savings or checking account...

This money is yours to keep, FOREVER, no matter what happens in the stock market.

You can use it to invest, pay bills... go on vacation... whatever you want. It's NOT a loan. And it's not an advance against future earnings, either.

Instead, it's a little-known and misunderstood technique we call "Transfer Dividends."

The best part is, this is not a one-time thing. As an ordinary shareholder, you can receive "Transfer Dividends" on your holdings as often as you like... several times a month if you chose.

That's why some Americans are using this little-known secret to quietly grow rich:

Henry Dickens used to own a paper-bag manufacturing plant in Wisconsin, but didn't know how to pay for retirement. "I've tried everything. I had mutual funds. I've owned stocks," Henry says today from his retirement home in Georgia. "But now, [this is] my only source of income. I've been collecting $4,000 to $6,000 a month."

Ted Munson, a 57-year-old ex-engineer from Bedford, OR, says: "I just never had the chance or ability to save a lot of money... so I'm definitely making up for lost time [with this investment]. I couldn't be happier. I'll probably retire in the next 4-5 years."

You know, I'm having a tough time resisting an urge to snicker as I read these emails. I can't help it. Conservative blog readers are learning the secrets of financial success and paperclip impaling while the left wastes its time reading and organizing. And it's not just the readers. I'm certain Our Leader, The Chosen One, spends a lot of time thinking about making quick, easy money and new ways to kick the shit out of people. Clinton and Obama? Their off fiddling with ideas. Useless bastards.