Seals Lying With Penguins

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA (American Family Association) Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano,

As our nation's foremost expert on the subject of cartoon immorality, you, more than anyone, understand how Satan tempts our children by subverting what they value most. Your years of work outing the homosexuals within the cartoon community serve as a testament of this. But perhaps, you've been too successful, because it appears that the Deceiver is forsaking the world of animation for that of animals.

If you go to any zoo or aquarium, you'll quickly notice the children tend to congregate at the seal and penguin enclosures. That's always troubled me. Penguins are notorious for their love of Dorothy. Picture them in your mind. There they are, all plumed out like Marlene Dietrich on a Saturday night. You know they're just a showtune away from a weekend at Camp McHenry.

Well, now the penguins have gone too far. No longer satisfied with performing a little illicit flipper rubbing in front of our kids, they've turned their lusty gaze toward another children's favorite, the seal. One recent incident was filmed by a scientist-pornographer and reported at a filthy European smut site:

An Antarctic fur seal has been observed trying to have sex with a king penguin.

The South African-based scientists who witnessed the incident say it is the most unusual case of mammal mating behaviour yet known.

The incident, which lasted for 45 minutes and was caught on camera, is reported in the Journal of Ethology.

[...]

De Bruyn and a colleague were on Trypot beach at Marion Island to study elephant seals when they noticed a young, adult male Antarctic fur seal, in good condition, attempting to copulate with an adult king penguin of unknown sex.

The 100kg seal first subdued the 15kg penguin by lying on it.

The penguin flapped its flippers and attempted to stand and escape - but to no avail.

The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin, and thrusting its pelvis, trying to insert itself, unsuccessfully.

After 45 minutes the seal gave up, swam into the water and then completely ignored the bird it had just assaulted, the scientists report.

Notice how they blame it on the male seal rather than the sluttily attired penguin of indeterminate gender. Typical.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Past Correspondence with Mr. Vitagliano

First letter

Ed's response and my second letter

Third letter

Fourth letter.