The Drudge Report
Dear Mr. Drudge,
Your little mini interview with New York Magazine has caused quite a stir. I hear people talking about it every where I go--well, ok, not exactly talking; it's more like laughing, hysterically, so hard gas escapes, loudly escapes in short bursts, which makes it even funnier. You know what I mean.
They're laughing because they can't believe you are still trying to deny you are the gay. But what they don't understand is that it's impossible for a conservative man like yourself to be the gay. We learned that from all the hullabaloo over Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, and Bob Allen.I don't know how you can be more clear about it. You flat out said that you do not love sex with men." That's pretty clear, but maybe it would help everyone understand if you came out and told them what you do like, so they can see that it's different; that it's not the same as the gay sex.
You know, tell them how you like to have a guy slowly rub raw eggs all over your body; how his gooey wet caresses excites you and awaken the primal cultural warrior within you, Yes, and tell them of the exhilaration you feel as he drives his mighty staff of ideological truth deep inside your hallelujah cavern and tickles your organ of ultimate glory.
Yes, I think they'd understand it then, especially if you posted it under a flashing blue light.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
There once was a man with a niche
ReplyDeleteWho had an embarrassing itch
Though blessed with a penis
He didn't love Venus
It was men who made him a bitch!
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Dear General: there's hair on that egg!
It's shell is the comb-over dregs!
You've got Drudge's back
And part of his sack
I pray that the boy shaves his legs!
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The line: just where does one draw it?
Like a film: just where does one pause it?
Love is just shame
By another name
When you're in a Republican closet!
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Great picture.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the time I ordered dessert at a local Mexican restaurant and ordered huevos infierno. A simple mispronounciation of 'flaming ice cream'.
Why am I thinking of Dr. Seuss when I see that quote?
ReplyDelete"I do not love sex with men,
I do not love sex with a hen
I do not love sex now and then,
I do not love gay sex again, and again, and again..."
I'm sure he HATED teh gay sex last Friday. And the Monday before that. And the time in the men's bathroom -- not sure if it was before midnight Saturday or very early Sunday morning. And he's going to hate it the next time it happens, too, just as soon as he can.
I do not care about Drudge's personal habits, seeing as how he's part of the evil liberal media. At least I presume he is, since I don't bother to read his site, even though he IS the assignment editor for America's MSM. The time or two I've seen him in videos, he strikes me as the vaguely creepy sort of guy who I'd be afraid to leave alone in a room with my open container of vanilla yogurt, if you know what I mean. And if you DO know, shame on you for having such disgusting throughts!
However, since he has a reputation for exposing those who are afflicted with teh sodomitery, I think it's only fair that he should revel in his own. As my grandmother used to say in situations like that, "What gives you a goose is good for the dandruff." I don't know what she meant by that, but she'd say it often enough, so I suppose it must have contained some wisdowm.
General, Sir:
ReplyDeleteI think what's required here is for you to send Mr. Drudge a letter. I believe his not loving manonmanhotsex is totally due to this--he can't stop thiniking about the children! As Matt is a KKKonservative KKKrisitian (or perhaps a non-observant JESUS lovin' jew) he is totally aware that sex is not supposed to be enjoyable and it's supposed to result in fudges, smudges or sludges (or whatever else his offspring might be called).
Help the poor bastard out, Sir, please. Just let him know that manonmanhotsex is not supposed to result in "issue"--other than the "issues" he's already dealing with. Tell him that the KKKristian GOD will see that he is only doing research and let him slide, like Astroglide. Why, before you know it, he'll be playing "Dancing Queen" or "Stayin' Alive" as the theme music on the "Dreck Report".
And, Sir, I know his pain. I was an awkard kid when I was in school, too. Can you imagine my shame when I was invited by some of my fellow cub scouts to a "circle jerk" and I showed up with thin strips of skirt steak and a salty, sweet marinade?
General, Sir:
ReplyDeleteI forgot to mention that yesterday, while shopping at my favorite emporium, "Real Deal $ Store" I heard an ad on the radio for "Teabagging Parties". The narrator said that since a whole "Tea Party" was too expensive that we whould just "teabag" our political representatives by laying a teabag on their eye, their chin or even in their open mouth. Happily, the store sold teabags and I purchased several boxes. I'm awaiting return calls from my congresscritters and state reps to see when we can all get together. Perhaps Mr. Drudge would like to be involved with that, as well?
I didn't think we were allowed to post on the gay/GOP/noise machine thingy without mentioning Rep. Patrick McHenry (R-NC) and Sen. Mitch McConnell(R-KY). They get so bitchy when they are left out of the dance party.
ReplyDeleteQuestion for Matt: Who has taken more balls to the chin, you or Yogi Berra? I have a dollar on you.
ok so this drudge, he do not love gay sex? so do he just *like* it then?
ReplyDeleteor do he not love but *adore* teh gay sex but is too shy to share his deep feeelings with us?
and why is he making us ask all these questions? why?
Maybe Drudge is like that other great not-gay conservative Roy Cohn, a not-gay, 100% hetrosexual red-blooded American man who prefers to fuck other men instead of women?
ReplyDeleteomg gen, you're cracking me up, lol. i was truly divine intervention that led me to you guys the other night. too much funny! ^_^
ReplyDelete~ Bianca
btw - thanks for answering my prayer:~D