The Drudge Report
Dear Mr. Drudge,
Your little mini interview with New York Magazine has caused quite a stir. I hear people talking about it every where I go--well, ok, not exactly talking; it's more like laughing, hysterically, so hard gas escapes, loudly escapes in short bursts, which makes it even funnier. You know what I mean.
They're laughing because they can't believe you are still trying to deny you are the gay. But what they don't understand is that it's impossible for a conservative man like yourself to be the gay. We learned that from all the hullabaloo over Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, and Bob Allen.I don't know how you can be more clear about it. You flat out said that you do not love sex with men." That's pretty clear, but maybe it would help everyone understand if you came out and told them what you do like, so they can see that it's different; that it's not the same as the gay sex.
You know, tell them how you like to have a guy slowly rub raw eggs all over your body; how his gooey wet caresses excites you and awaken the primal cultural warrior within you, Yes, and tell them of the exhilaration you feel as he drives his mighty staff of ideological truth deep inside your hallelujah cavern and tickles your organ of ultimate glory.
Yes, I think they'd understand it then, especially if you posted it under a flashing blue light.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
