Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Trading emails with Hi-Caliber, the conservative rapper

I have a couple of other responses to my emails that I haven't posted yet, because I was hoping to get further responses from them. It's been a couple of months now, and I haven't, so I'll post the first one today. It's from Hi-Caliber, the conservative rapper.

I wrote him in March, shortly after he performed at CPAC, and asked him if he'd be interested in performing at our Men's Purity Revival and Survivalist Fair in Oct. Here's a excerpt from that letter:
It's going to be a heck of a lot of manly fun. We'll have purity discussions and films, military-style training, Christian Spartan-style wrestling, spiritual warfare, and an Oktoberfest party where we'll drink real near beer and do that Bavarian dance where guys slap each other.

We'd need you to do a rap song at the beginning of each day (four in all), and do two or three raps before and after the wrestling...

At least one of your songs would have to be about the sin of masturbation and another about why we should hate the gay....

Hey, I understand that Michael Savage converted you to conservatism. A song about him would be great. Maybe you could turn his letters to Allen Ginsberg into lyrics. That, my friend, would be very groovy.

We'd pick up airfare, four nights in the hotel, food (if you eat with us), shooting range fees, riding crop, and lederhosen (for the party). What other compensation would you require?
Here's his reply:
Date: Sat, 21 Mar 2009 06:51:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: calvin tanella
Subject: Re: performance

Thanks for the offer! I regret that I will be unable to attend for reasons beyond my control, however, what I can offer you for a small fee (we'll work that out later if you are interested) is to record you a custom made CD with songs about the topics you mentioned, ie: sins of masturbation, homosexuality, why we should worship God and any other topics you see fit. Please let me know what you want to do and if you are interested, send me any talking points you want me to include in the songs.

Conservatively Yours,
And my response:
Thanks Mr. Caliber. We'd probably want to have a song about gladiators too, because I'm thinking I'd want to call it "God's Gladiators." Maybe it could be like a theme album about a Christian gladiator who loves the Lord and fights the urges to pat his robertson and engage in acts of sodomy with the same gusto he brings to battling Goths in the arena. I can even picture the cover. It'd be a statue in the ancient style of the Romans. You know, one of those naked warrior things. But it would be you, holding a sword and wearing a gladiator helmet and nothing else. And we'd cover you with flour to make you look like a statue. I'm not really into nakedness, but this would be like art. No skin would be shown because of the flour. We'd have to really work it in though, especially on your little gladiator. It'd have to look like marble.

I have the sword and gladiator helmet. I'm a collector. I bet I have the most extensive collection of gladiator movies anywhere. I like to put on my gladiator costumes and watch them. You should come sometime. We'd drink root beer, eat Frito pie and pork rinds, watch gladiator movies, and wrestle. That'd be fun.

Anyway, what would that CD thing (songs and cover art) cost?
He hasn't responded.


  1. Speaking of Michael Savage, the poor talk radio host had a disastrous appearance on NPR today...

  2. All (various) links to the Ginsberg/Wiener letters seem to be either removed or down.

  3. LMAO! The sad thing is these wingnuts actually reply and take this stuff seriously. They are a sick, sad bunch.

  4. I love Frito pie, but the absolute best is tossed Frito salad. I like mine with beans.

  5. I've never watched a gladiator movie but I have seen a grown man naked and I've been to a Turkish prison.

    Does that qualify me to be an Evangelical rapper?

  6. "Putting Flour on the Naked Calvin" is a provocative thought. If he was warm and sweaty would he bake a little? Would his pizzler look like a churrito? If that was the case then "Baked Calvin, As Warm As Frito Pie" might be sung in the echo-filled canyons and verdant plains of America. Or by the campfire. Perhaps on a crowded commie bus.

    We could have "Night Terror Theater with Baked Calvin, the Nude Flour Rapper Dude" all across this doughy land of ours. I cannot wait until vacation.


  7. My first thought when reading this was "These poor, dear patriots. They have no sense of irony. Their snarkdar is defective. Sending them these e-mails is like tying a dollar bill on a string and putting it on the footpath where the slow kid is walking, then pulling it away and laughing."

    Then I thought "So what's wrong with that? It toughens them up. When you take candy from a baby, or put presents under the Christmas tree and on Christmas Eve you tell the kids those aren't for them -- they're for poor children at the church, or when your father brings a good-looking hooker home for your 18th birthday and then you discover 'she's' actually a transvestite... That's what makes you hard and mean and able to spit in the world's eye, because it's sure as hell going to be spitting in your eye like a horned lizard in the Arizona desert where your family left you after you walked away from the car to take a leak behind that suguaro..."

    I think I had started to make a point there before I got involved in family reminiscenses. Ah, those childhood days. I can't wait to do the same thing to my kid. Just as soon as my unsupervised visitation rights are restored...

  8. KKKristian Rap:

    I likez me some GOD;

    Yeah I likez some GODhead.

    You be fukkin' wit me,

    GOD be makin' you ded!

    Word (of GOD)!

  9. General, Sir:
    I will have you know that once when I was traveling with a group of 20 gentlemen we pulled the dollar-bill-on-string deal in an airport terminal during a long layover and it was an absolute scream. I'll bet it wasn't half an hour before we had, like, 75 people who were in on the joke watching and waiting for the next victim. The best ones were those who reached for the damn thing three or four or five times. The crowd was hysterical. Oh, the memories of life on the road with professional hockey players.

    Now, on to the subject at hand. Why stop with the flour? Shouldn't you just go ahead and roll him in bread crumbs, too? That's how we do it at my house.

  10. Sir, I hate to report it, but you’ve also been snubbed by Joe the Plumber. He’d rather talk to that namby-pamby ‘Christianity Today’ crew than to the One True Christian Patriot.

    It deserves a stinging rebuke, and maybe a challenge in the Spartan tradition.

  11. General, Sir:
    I have found the ultimate recruit for the movement. He too saves his Spermatozoan Americans and appreciates a good going over with a spatula. It's must-see YouTube...

  12. Conservative rapper? So I guess he's a C-rapper (for short!)

  13. Richard, I cut 'n' pasted that link which Teh Gen'l was too kind to snark at. Interesting... It's another reminder of the variety of thinking in our species. Just when you think "Everybody's like me" you realise they really aren't.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.