Trading emails with Hi-Caliber, the conservative rapper

I have a couple of other responses to my emails that I haven't posted yet, because I was hoping to get further responses from them. It's been a couple of months now, and I haven't, so I'll post the first one today. It's from Hi-Caliber, the conservative rapper.

I wrote him in March, shortly after he performed at CPAC, and asked him if he'd be interested in performing at our Men's Purity Revival and Survivalist Fair in Oct. Here's a excerpt from that letter:

It's going to be a heck of a lot of manly fun. We'll have purity discussions and films, military-style training, Christian Spartan-style wrestling, spiritual warfare, and an Oktoberfest party where we'll drink real near beer and do that Bavarian dance where guys slap each other.

We'd need you to do a rap song at the beginning of each day (four in all), and do two or three raps before and after the wrestling...

At least one of your songs would have to be about the sin of masturbation and another about why we should hate the gay....

Hey, I understand that Michael Savage converted you to conservatism. A song about him would be great. Maybe you could turn his letters to Allen Ginsberg into lyrics. That, my friend, would be very groovy.

We'd pick up airfare, four nights in the hotel, food (if you eat with us), shooting range fees, riding crop, and lederhosen (for the party). What other compensation would you require?

Here's his reply:

Date: Sat, 21 Mar 2009 06:51:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: calvin tanella
Subject: Re: performance

Thanks for the offer! I regret that I will be unable to attend for reasons beyond my control, however, what I can offer you for a small fee (we'll work that out later if you are interested) is to record you a custom made CD with songs about the topics you mentioned, ie: sins of masturbation, homosexuality, why we should worship God and any other topics you see fit. Please let me know what you want to do and if you are interested, send me any talking points you want me to include in the songs.

Conservatively Yours,
Hi-Caliber...

And my response:

Thanks Mr. Caliber. We'd probably want to have a song about gladiators too, because I'm thinking I'd want to call it "God's Gladiators." Maybe it could be like a theme album about a Christian gladiator who loves the Lord and fights the urges to pat his robertson and engage in acts of sodomy with the same gusto he brings to battling Goths in the arena. I can even picture the cover. It'd be a statue in the ancient style of the Romans. You know, one of those naked warrior things. But it would be you, holding a sword and wearing a gladiator helmet and nothing else. And we'd cover you with flour to make you look like a statue. I'm not really into nakedness, but this would be like art. No skin would be shown because of the flour. We'd have to really work it in though, especially on your little gladiator. It'd have to look like marble.

I have the sword and gladiator helmet. I'm a collector. I bet I have the most extensive collection of gladiator movies anywhere. I like to put on my gladiator costumes and watch them. You should come sometime. We'd drink root beer, eat Frito pie and pork rinds, watch gladiator movies, and wrestle. That'd be fun.

Anyway, what would that CD thing (songs and cover art) cost?

He hasn't responded.