Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender
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Many of you remember that day a couple of years ago when Sister Mrs. Pastor Anderson righteously crowed about how well she was training up her children in the ways of the Lord. Glorious globules of viscous pride sputtered from every pore as she breathlessly related this exchange between two of her children:
John (4 years old): Barack Obama, and the devil, and the government are worser than anything else in the world.
Isaac (5 years old): Mom, John actually told me that he thinks Barack Obama is worse than the faggots.
Sister Sarah and her immaculately revirgined daughter, Bristol, must have been just as proud after Bristol's son, 3-year-old Tripp, uttered these words to his aunt on national television:
Go away you faggot.
But as expected, The young Palin's bold declaration of heterosupremacy prompted leaders of the homosexualist community to publicly question the Palin family's approach to parenting, and, sadly, Bristol walked back Tripps words, claiming he actually said:
Go away you fuck it.
Hmmm. That doesn't really make sense. Maybe there's a punctuation problem there. Let's try this:
Go away! You fuck it!
That makes more sense. Obviously young Tripp was rebuking his aunt for having an improper relationship with one of his Weebles.
Kudos to the Palins for training up Tripp in the ways of the Lord.
Our Lady of the Wolf Slaughter snorted cocaine, engaged in unconfederate acts of miscegenation, and rode Todd's business partner like a snowmachine on moguls. Those are the claims Joe McGuinniss is making in his soon-to-be released book, "The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin."
Of course it's all bullcrap (mostly). Sister Sarah's a hero of the Heartland. She wouldn't be snortin' no urban nose candy. She'd be firing up some good ol' American methamphetamine. I bet she was just playin' with the crank on that oil drum while Todd was using a pair of pliers to straighten out their needle.
And surrendering her virtue to an unheartlandlishly hued basketball player, who hasn't done that a few handful of times? Heck, I'm still walkin' funny from that night with Wilt Chamberlain back in '74. Yeah, it's a sin, but I mitigated it by demanding he call me "Wendy Sue." And besides, a person can't be blamed for succumbing to that basketball mojo, especially with players from the short shorts era. I mean, good Lord, I bet Jesus, himself, drove hard down the lane whenever he saw Curley Neal bend over.
As for Snow Machine Brad, there's no way Sarah lubed his slide rail. She couldn't; she's married for chrissakes.
You wait and see. It's going to come out that McGuinniss is a god damned journalist. They never have anything good to say about Sarah.
Our Lady of the Wolf Slaughter should thank the Lord for her $5000/screen opening weekend. Sure, it's only 5.5% of what Al Gore made per screen on the weekend "An Inconvenient Truth" opened. And its a mere 8.3% of what Michael Moore's "Capitalism: A Love Story" made per screen its first weekend, But still, it's almost half the per screen dollars Moore's "Sicko" earned at its debut, and that's a win. It could have been much worse.
Sister Sarah's film, "Undefeated," encountered a problem none of the films made by Moore or Gore faced. Demons bewitched weekend theater goers, compelling them to see that vile orgy of wickedness, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2."
Certainly, many a loyal servant of the House of Sarah approached the ticket booth intending purchase "Undeafeated" tickets, but were stopped short when they came upon the life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Potterian half-giant, Hagrid. Bewitched by the satanic powers of his massive crotchal bulge, their minds slithered into a state of befuddlement--a befuddlement even greater than that they regularly experience in their day-to-day lives--and they entered the theater clutching passes for the Deathly Hallows.
Patriot Crane sent me the speech Sister Sarah will give when she announces her decision to run or not run for the opportunity to serve a partial, but Godlicious, presidency:
"Freedom is a Very Good Idea" (a speech for Sarah Palin)
Where to begin, where to begin? It’s almost like before us is the same country Jefferson and Washington stood in and thought about important things to make the then unfounded nation a founded one.
They thought about things to make the country, then just colonies of colonists, stronger than it was at the early time in its history. Indians and British people made things very uncertain back in those days when founding a new country was taking up a lot of everyone’s time and effort. So, when freedom was the idea, it was decided it was a good one.
Freedom would allow people to be free. Free from a king over in England who thought he owned most of the new land that was actually promised to the settlers by God because of "Makeafist Destiny".
There was so much to do that the first thing was to write a Constitution and so these fathers who were also founders decided to do just that. Thomas Jefferson, a Christian and Patriotic American, and then only in his 20s or early 30s, but young, anyway, was chosen as the person to write a first version of the Constitution. He did a really good job and put things in the document that would mean this new Christian nation was also free.
Freedom rang.
So, now there was a lot of jobs that needed creatin’, and the fathers knew we had to let people grow businesses in order to have jobs for those new people arriving from Europe and Africa.
The African people didn’t need jobs so much because they were also really slaves, but were very happy in those days because they had food and clothing provided to them if they would just work in the fields some during the day, then sing spiritual songs with their families at night. So, even though we, the new Americans hated slavery, we had it for a while until the founding fathers ended it.
Those founding fathers of freedom planted the seeds of democracy but really not so much democracy as, also too, we really mean a Republic, if we could keep it.
So, now today, we have a lot of jobs to create and a lot of debts to pay off, so we need even more freedom than we needed before we needed the jobs and the less debt.
So, my fellow Americans, be willing to sacrifice for this great land of wealth and job creation. We are the greatest country on earth and most other countries on this same earth look at us and wish they were us.
They hate our freedoms too. That’s why we had to attack Iraq and Afghanistan. They wanted to end our way of life on 9-11. They love the way we live, but hate the way we have freedom.
So, we are now all Americans living for the same dream: freedom and strength.
If we pray to God and support Israel, we will always be doing the right thing and God will reward this great Christian nation with prosperity.
So, to Ronald Reagan and to Jesus, I say thank you. Thank both of you for giving us the foundation to build our freedoms on. Thank you for showing us how to move forward toward our own destiny. We will not fail.
At first, I couldn't figure out why Sister Sarah is so angry about Bristol's new boyfriend, Kyle Massey. I mean, hey, he ain't Levi, and Bristol needs a good man to practice abstinence with anyway. You'd think that'd be enough.
But then I saw the suitor's photo and immediately understood Mrs. Palin's rage. It's all there in Mr. Massy's eyes: the anti-colonialism, the Muslimishness, the crypto-Kenyanicity, the secret socialism, and a latent proclivity to produce birth certificates that can't pass the Taitz test.
It's no wonder Sister Sarah is so pissed off. This man is going to steal her daughter's innocence by teaching sweet Bristol how to fist bump.
It's all there, in his eyes.
More Rage!
God damn my inner Frenchman. May he burn in Hell for this:
It's been awhile since I've checked in with worship instrument fabricator Jennifer Lynn Joy. Her ministry continues to flourish and she's beginning to mix with important people:
On September 12, 2010, I was invited to a Sarah Palin "Meet and Greet" and the "Raise the Roof" Fundraiser for Teen Challenge in Missoula Montana. The "Meet and Greet" included about 50 individuals, with the greatest percentage being Teen Challenge Leaders from the Northwest.
It's great to hear that Our Lady of the Immaculate Teabag is helping out such a godly outfit as Teen Challenge. They are one of the foremost faith-based funded teen re-education camp providers in the country. By teaching rebellious teens how to speak in tongues (see demonstration at right) and by fighting Pokemon, Harry Potter, and the nation of Haiti, Teen Challenge puts our children back on the straight and narrow. Their success rate nears 86% (if you rule out silly scientistofascist concerns like drop-out rates and self-reporting).
Sister Joy was very impressed with Mrs. Palin:
I found Sarah to be genuine, authentic, delightful, full of life and light. She is the mother of five children, married to Todd for 22 years, the former Governor of Alaska, an athlete, and most of all quite radical about her faith in Christ Jesus.
That last part about Sister Sarah being "radical about her faith" brings great joy to me heart, because, as you see here, "radical" has a very special meaning to Sister Joy:
My first day to take rings (Glory Rings) into worship up to the fourth floor “box”, which was designated for radical worship. There were two men worshipping…
When John opened his arsenal first he pulled out an Elijah Mantle (I have one of those), then a flag from Albany (I have one of those), then a blue prayer cloth (I have one of those), bottles of anointing oil (I have some of those) …it was like meeting my twin brother in the spiritual realm. Then he pulled out a solid steel hammer with a 40-pound head! During worship he lifted the hammer over his head as though it weighed 2 pounds not 40 pounds and began hammering. Oh JESUS! I could literally hear and see doors, cracks, crevices, caskets, barrels, gates, doorways and windows being sealed shut in the spirit realm.
I wonder if Sister Sarah performed a little radical worshiping at the Teen Challenge event. Did she whip out a glory ring, an Elijah Mantle, or bottles of anointing oil? Or better yet, did she strike the heavens with one of Sister Joy's state worship hammers pictured below:
And now for something not very different: Although I'm a big fan of Sister Joy's radical worship instruments, I find the "Prepare the Bride Hammer" to be a bit unsettling.
This morning (12.21.09) in conversational prayer with an intercessor, I began to see in my mind’s eye a map of the United States and the cities to which I sent the horses, pinpointed. I noticed the pinpoints outlined an arrow pointing east. This piqued my curiosity so I did a little research which I thought you might enjoy.
In the United States:
A City of Tabernacle: Colville, WA (48 degree longitude-the most northern point)
A City of Endurance: Simi Valley, CA (34 degree longitude - the most southern point)
A City of Hope: Knoxville, TN (35 degree longitude - the most eastern point).
A City of Promise: Strathroy, ONT (42 degree longitude - northern sister, Canada).
A City of Offspring or Seed: Jerusalem, Israel (31 degree longitude - where the arrow of intercession is sent).
One of the hidden messages is:
48 = Tabernacle or Dwelling Place †
34 = Endurance †
35 = Hope †
As we (a dwelling place of ADONAI) endure, hope will come.
42 = The Second Coming of Christ †
OK, one more thing, now it's time for something completely different.
That Stinkin' Pinkos album in my blogads is chock full of godammed libislamunistofascist hilarity. Listen to a few tracks, buy the damned thing, and fire it up at your next book and album burning.
After hearing the album, all I can do is exclaim: "L'sharta gelubega gotrah pomoto shara gabba gabba hey!"
By now, I'm sure you've all read that pointy-headed profislamunistfascist's academic paper about Trig Paxson Van Palin's birth. He doesn't really say a lot that we don't already know, other than to speculate why Our Beloved Lady of the Immaculate Teabag is stonewalling any effort to put the issue to rest.
Sarah's told us the true story and there's nothing in it to rouse the suspicions of a true patriot. Indeed it's the kind of birth story a fine, caring mother of her high caliber would tell. Here's a summary:
Sarah learns she is pregnant.
Gov. Palin is told that her fetus-American has downs syndrome and that her pregnancy is high risk. She decides to carry it to term anyway. The godly men and women of the compelled birth movement cheer.
"Slightly less than eight months into her pregnancy," Sarah's water breaks while she's in Texas. She's scheduled to address the Republican Governor's Association the next day.
She calls her doctor and asks if giving birth to a premature downs syndrome baby trumps her duty to speak to a bunch of Republican governors. Her doctor presumably tells her she can do both--God gave us penicillin to protect us when our water breaks.
Gov. Palin stays the night and gives the speech the next day.
Sarah passes the Baylor Medical Center Neonatal Intensive-Care Unit on her way to the airport to catch a plane to Alaska.
She boards the plane but forgets to alert the crew that she's giving birth to a high-risk, premature baby with downs syndrome.
Her plane stops at Seattle's SeaTac Airport before eventually landing in Anchorage.
Sarah passes Anchorage's Providence Hospital, and its neonatal intensive-care unit, on her hour long drive to the Mat-Su Regional Medical Center just outside Wasilla. She isn't concerned that Mat-Su doesn't have a neonatal intensive-care unit, because despite being premature and suffering from downs syndrome, Trig knows how to man up.
The Opinion "Sarah Palin would never bully or mock a man's penis in defiance of God's commandment that women be subservient to men (1 Corinth. 14:34 -- ...women... must be in submission... )" has died. The Opinion was two years of age at the time of its passing. Born in the musky, tundra veneris of the Great White North, the Opinion lived a quiet and respectable life among the wild orifices and quim bogs that dot the coastline of Real America, and enjoyed camping, fishing and hunting humpbacked whales with satellite-guided missiles.
Six months ago the Opinion was diagnosed with imasculata frittata, a rare and edible form of Word Cancer that spread to Sarah's hands before being smeared across her chops. First manifesting itself as schoolyard taunting it metastasized and spread throughout her entire vocabulary, a vocabulary believed to be as large as six hundred words (seven hundred if you include the numbers 600 thru 700) before coming to rest in her divinely appointed hooty-pie. The Opinion is survived by a conservative call to refrain from mono-pleaseistic sexual acts. Today's conservative must be potent and rigid, but for the lord's sake don't give in to the desire for self-managed orgasm! What's next? Electric cars? Sustainable farming? Besides, if you're like Sarah, you don't want to touch yourself down there--those ink stains are hard to get out!
In lieu of flowers...ah, fuck it. Give 'em flowers.
This is a guest post by mjs. The words contained herein do not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of General JC Christian, Patriot.
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After watching all the recent coverage of Sarah Palin and the public and private use of the word "retard" as a pejorative, I decided to go to the top for an answer: I asked God to explain the difference between Down Syndrome and Mental Retardation. God was kind enough to send me an email in response to my query, about 1/20th of a second after I asked for it. If God ever opened up a restaurant you wouldn't be sitting around, wondering where your food is. It would be in front of you before you could say jumping jehosaphat. That is one fast deity, no doubt about it. Here is God's response:
To sum up: Sarah Palin's son Trig has Down Syndrome. Sarah Palin herself has gone Full Retard. Rahm Emanuel should be fired for using the word "retarded" and Rush Limbaugh is just okey-dokey-peachy-keen, no matter what he does. Rush is that good.
Glad I could clear that up for you.
Love,
God
p.s. Sorry about the chromosome problem vis a vis Down Syndrom--I mostly do it to the fetuses of older women anyway. Who would have thought people would be living so long? When I created...oh, shit, here come the wife. Gotta go.
The Opinion "Discussing end-of-life issues is a reasonable approach to an ineluctable reality" has died from Cultural Asphyxiation. Attempts to resuscitate the deceased were shouted down by standers-by who totally got off on its very public demise.
The Opinion, born during the age of Socrates, leaves no descendants who are even remotely considering issuing a statement, for fear of being trampled to death by a herd of bewildered elderly citizens. Standing resolutely atop the Opinion's coffin is Americonned's Queen of the Daft, the great Fearmonger Priestess Sarah Palin, who was in favor of end-of-life directives before she was against them. Using only a Bowie knife, helicopter gunships and cable news outlets as her weapons, Ms. Palin high-kicked her way across the treacherous tundra as she tracked down and single-handedly killed the subversive idea that citizens might benefit from having access to information pertinent to issues they face in their senior years (principally regarding the nagging fact that none of us are immortal). Having scalped the freshly slaughtered Opinion, Ms. Palin slapped her own ass and screeched "Take that, Letterman!" before vanishing into an Ice Cave somewhere in the Great White North.
As with Abstinence Only approaches to contraception so too the "Zip it, Granny" approach to Living Wills, Advanced Directives and DNRs. Fact: to speak rationally about sex means that you will soon be copulating with everything in sight, probably mid-sentence, starting with the furniture and ending with the food processor. Similarly, the mere act of discussing end-of-life issues can only end in a government-mandated bloodbath, the lifeless corpses of Grandpa and Grandma awash in socialist sangria serving as silent witness. Grand Guignol for the Senior Set, this French assault on our values brings another meaning entirely to American Gothic (horror!).
In lieu of donations the family of the Opinion has asked that we all go fuck ourselves.
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The Opinuary Column appears every Friday afternoon at Jesus' General.
Please join me in welcoming Gov. Sarah Palin as she guests posts at Jesus General once again -- JC
Ok, there's been a lot of speculation in the liberal, secular press about why I decided to set the State of Alaska free. Some are saying it's because I'm under investigation for getting my house built for next to nothing in return for granting construction contracts. Those people are wrong, and I'm going to sue anyone who repeats it.
I'm also going to sue anyone who brings up the possibility that both Bristol and Levi were conceived during drunken, cocaine-fueled orgies Todd and I may have had with the Johnstons. Sure, no one has made that claim yet, but darn it, they might. And if they do, you betcha we'll sue the pants off of the Washington Post, Perez Hilton, and National Geographic. And darn it, the chances that Bristol and Levi are siblings or that Todd is both of little Acid Trip's grandfathers are probably pretty darned small. So don't even go there. Or we'll sue you.
Alaska and I are parting ways for one reason and one reason only: if you love something wild, you must set it free. And then you shoot it and mount it on your wall. And yes, look at what I've done to Alaska. I shot it and I'm now going to mount it on my wall of the accomplishments that prove I'm ready for the presidency.
Hold on. This is the part where I hold little Trig out as bait so I can garner a little sympathy when some Howard Stern asshat wannabe takes a cheap, unconscionable potshot at him. So let me just say, again, that I wish we were all like Trig. Did you hear that Mr Obscure Blog Commenter who will soon come to represent all that is wrong with anyone to the left of Bill Kristol? I said, "I wish we were all like little Trig!" Run with it!
OK, back to Alaska. It served its purpose, just like Wally Hickle, John Stein, and all the others served their purposes. I now have 2.5 years of the gubernatorial experience I needed for my presidential run. Thank you, Alaska, but you can't help me anymore. Now get the heck out of my life.
Your Proclamation of Morality is absolutely the best work you've done since winning the fight to keep amphibiosexual relationship books on Oklahoma's library shelves. It's a masterpiece, really. You identify the point source for every problem our nation faces in just seventeen preamble clauses. And I do mean every point source; the whole ball of vasoline from divorce and homosexuality to the secretly Amish Obama's refusal to participate in the National Prayer Breakfast.
But it's in the last of three resolution clauses where you really shine:
BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, humbly call upon Holy God, our Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer, to have mercy on this nation, to stay His hand of judgment, and grant a national awakening of righteousness and Christian renewal as we repent of our great sin.
Praise Jesus, that is beautiful. I teared up from simply reading it. No doubt it will touch Our Lord and Savior's immaculate heart as well.
That is if He actually reads it.
My guess is that He doesn't really follow the Oklahoma legislature all that closely. I mean, why should He? You do a great job of persecuting the gay, the brown, and the poor all by yourself. He knows you have his back, so He focuses His attention where it's needed--like in Africa; somebody has to smite all those hungry children.
So you might think about taking a more aggressive approach to putting the resolution before Him. I'd suggest you talk to Sarah Palin about it. Apparently, God have her His power of attorney. She's writing his letters for Him:
[Palin] wrote the e-mail not in her own name but in God's, and signed it "Trig's Creator, Your Heavenly Father."
So that should be your plan. Deliver the resolution to Gov. Palin and have her spare the nation using her God-given power of attorney.
So I'm looking around for somebody to pray with, I just need maybe a little help, maybe a little extra. And the McCain campaign, love 'em, you know, they're a lot of people around me, but nobody I could find that I wanted to hold hands with and pray.
Thank you for creating SarahPAC. I'm very excited by your recent efforts to recruit "real" Americans to run for office. Thanks to such pioneers as you and Joe the Plumber, ignorance has moved beyond being simply bliss and is now the new cool. I'm glad you're capitalizing on it.
Dedicated to building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation.
I have a couple of perfect candidates for you. They certainly share your vision and values. I hope you'll give them your support.
The first is Lynne Spears. As the mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn, she serves as a role model for those seeking a return to Palin family values. I also understand that she can see Venezuela from her home in Louisiana. And as a part-time resident of California, she'a a natural choice to take Dianne Feinstein's seat.
The second potential candidate is a guy called Bob the Cattle Inseminator. OK, his real name is Kevin and he's unemployed, but, hey, "Joe the Plumber" worked so well for "Sam the plumbing supply clerk" why mess with success? "Bob" is a name that's as American as xenophobia and "cattle inseminator" is as rural (the one true America) an occupation as you'll find anywhere. With that kind of packaging, he's a sure-fire winner.
Federline (did I mention he has a Spears family connection) will need some prepping to become Bob the Cattle Inseminator, but it shouldn't take much. He's already an accomplished inseminator. We just need to turn his attention to cattle.
Heterosexually yours, in a chaste, biblical and not-even-saddleback kind of way,
Many of you remember that day a couple of years ago when Sister Mrs. Pastor Anderson righteously crowed about how well she was training up her children in the ways of the Lord. Glorious globules of viscous pride sputtered from every pore as she breathlessly related this exchange between two of her children:
