"And Jesus spake, 'Become thou now fishers of adjustable rate mortgages'"
"And Jesus rebuked the money changers for not colluding."
"Noah commanded the dinosaurs to leave the ark, for they were kind of swarthy"
"No greater love hath a man than that he gets drunk & endlessly mumbles about the 'socialist' in the White House"
Change title of "Song of Solomon" to "Solomon's Toe Taps"
"And Satan appeared to Eve in the shape of an ACORN"
"Blessed are the warbloggers, for they shall eat cheetos."
"And David remained king for he had not put his little king into a woman's mouth"
"And Sampson slew the Philistines with a jawbone of a stegosaurus"
"Jesus turned the water into napalm and laid waste to the Samaritans for what the Egyptians hath done"
"Woe be unto the Nazareth Post, for we countethed 13 million people at the Sermon on the Mount."
"Go thou now and bomb the shit out of the swarthy"
"Jesus spake, 'I hope those foreign bastards don't translate my English into Greek.'
"And the Holy Spirit spake unto Mary, 'Hast thou seen mine bald eagle etchings?'"
"Suffer the little children so their detained parents will talk."
"And then Adam deliverethed a bill unto Eve for his rib."
"Collective punishment exciteth me. Had to drape a fleece over mine loins for months after the Great Flood."
"And behold, Jesus spake, 'Take thine hands off mine fishes & loaves thou mooching motherfuckers'"
"And Jesus shankethed the census taker with a shiv."
God forced to marry Mary.
Jesus turns water into Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Jesus beats leper for non-payment of healing fees.
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