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Monday, December 28, 2009

Into the Woo Woo Hole, Young Man

Maggie Gallagher
Institute for Marriage and Public Policy
National Organization For Marriage

Dear Mrs. Gallagher,

I've been a big fan of the Jonas Brothers since they began wearing purity rings. I must have been a hard decision--abstinence isn't the first word that comes to mind someone mentions Rock and Roll. They could have taken another path, a path into wickedness like that taken by Josie and the Pussycats and the DeFranco Family, but they chose righteousness. They kept their units in their pants and their hotel furniture in their rooms.

But, now Kevin Jonas needs to serve as a role model for marriage. His recent statement about his wedding night doesn't accomplish this. If you missed it, here's what he had to say: "After we did it, I was kind of like, that's it?"

How many of his fans will want to marry and have sex after reading something like this. They might as well stay single and continue engaging in fun, non-sexual acts like floating, gobbler gobbling, and spelunking in the cave of shame. Why go to all the trouble of getting married, if, in the end, it's like waiting in line three hours for a Big Mac.

I suspect his problem is ignorance. We don't teach kids the mechanics because it only encourages them to have sex. I bet no one sat him down and told him he needs to put his little unit into her woo woo hole. Without that knowledge, sex is just the weeping and vomiting--who enjoys that?

Someone needs to teach Kevin what to do. We can't wait for him to figure it out on his own; it took me 7 years. We need to fix this now. You're in charge of defending marriage; it's up to you set him straight.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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10 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. General, Sir:

    Poor Kevin, now what? He's gone and got himself hitched without knowing whether or not his mare could pull his load. And, since they're both good KKKristian volk, they're stuck with each other for life+afterlife. Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! If only KKKristians could get D-I-V-O-R-S-E'd. Then he'd be able to meet a woman who could show him what REAL sex is all about. Alas, he is stuck in this love--, what's that? Oh, Sir, the waitress who was reading over my shoulder while I typed this at the internet cafe says them folks get married and unmarried quicker'n a hooker's "fifteen minutes". My bad, I didn't know that G (that's what I call YHWH, "G") let you have "do overs". Cool.

    Sir, just one other thing. Was Jonas comparing SEX with that young woman with the activity that he practiced ILO SEX since he was about 9 years old? Well, maybe 9 is a bit young for him; then again I was a child prodigy in a few areas.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sounds like someone better send that kid the Kama Sutra.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That Jones boy needs to be taught about sex by an expert, like a Moormoon teenager or Il Popeoni.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well, that is what happens when abstinence education builds up the sexual experience into some kind of quasi-religious ecstacy where you commune directly with God through your wife's lady parts. Things were much better back in my day, when they told you not to have sex because Satan lived in a woman's lady parts. But somehow, God evicted Satan and took over the party, sublet out all the secondary entrances, and hired an off-duty temple guard to watch over the main door.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Kinsey needs a Rock n' Roll spokesman.

    Personally, I suggest the nerd-punk-thrash band, Society of Saints [TM].

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  8. If Godarnitanotherspammer would just throw some sex into that shite, we could get some brand-name shoe fetish action going here...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Mrs. Jonas don't look happy in that picture, note the crossed arms and tight, not-really-a-smile smile. Uh, huh, she's thinking ' armature, I am sooooo going to divorce you and make you pay through the nose for the public humiliation...' LOL. From the look on her face, "that was it" is the best quality of sex he's ever going to get from her now.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Some one gave that moron the key but didn't show him how to start the car. And hes not smart enough to not say he cant start the car. Drop him off at a truck stop and get him a good HOOKER!!!!!

    ReplyDelete

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.