Me & Mitch Enjoying God Forever

After blaming atheists for the holocaust, Gov. Mitch Daniels (the brightest Indiana politician since Dan Quayle) proclaimed his love for the Lord and declared his desire to "Enjoy [God] forever." I suspect a lot of the un-Jesused and Mormons have no idea what he meant by that, so I thought I'd provide a few examples of the ways I enjoy Him.

• Acting out all His smitings during family home evening.
• When a family member has acne or boils, I pretend he or she is Job and blame every misfortune on the son of a bitch..
• Re-enacting God's smiting the Philistines of Ashdod, Gath, and Bethshemesh with hemorrhoids by going down to the local laundrymat and adding a little fiberglass to the underwear loads.
• Watching His picture, waiting for him to wink or cry tears of blood.
• I peek into windows looking for masturbaters. When I find one, I pretend he's Onan and tase the bastard.

I also enjoy Him by feasting on his flesh and blood. Here are a couple of recipes:

Christ's Blood Spritzer

Ingredients:

communion wine
club soda or mineral water
lime juice
lime wedge for garnish

Preparation:

Fill the communion cup with ice.
Pour in the wine to fill the cup half way
Top with club soda or mineral water.
Add a splash of lime (It cuts through the blood's overwhelming iron taste)
Garnish with a lime wedge.

Jesus' Flesh Pie

Ingredients:

3 cups communion wafers
3/4 cup chopped onion
1 cup grated cheddar cheese
habanero peppers (add to taste)
2-1/2 cups chili

Preparation:

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Spread 2 cups of communion wafers in a baking dish. Sprinkle half the onion and half the cheese over the wafers. Pour the chili over the onion and cheese. Sprinkle the remaining communion wafers, onion and cheese over the chili.

Bake for 15 or 20 minutes until cheese is bubbly, but be sure to pull it out before jesus' flesh is gooey with cheese oil.

Serve hot.

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