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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Me & Mitch Enjoying God Forever

After blaming atheists for the holocaust, Gov. Mitch Daniels (the brightest Indiana politician since Dan Quayle) proclaimed his love for the Lord and declared his desire to "Enjoy [God] forever." I suspect a lot of the un-Jesused and Mormons have no idea what he meant by that, so I thought I'd provide a few examples of the ways I enjoy Him.

  • Acting out all His smitings during family home evening.
  • When a family member has acne or boils, I pretend he or she is Job and blame every misfortune on the son of a bitch..
  • Re-enacting God's smiting the Philistines of Ashdod, Gath, and Bethshemesh with hemorrhoids by going down to the local laundrymat and adding a little fiberglass to the underwear loads.
  • Watching His picture, waiting for him to wink or cry tears of blood.
  • I peek into windows looking for masturbaters. When I find one, I pretend he's Onan and tase the bastard.
I also enjoy Him by feasting on his flesh and blood. Here are a couple of recipes:
Christ's Blood Spritzer

communion wine
club soda or mineral water
lime juice
lime wedge for garnish
Fill the communion cup with ice.
Pour in the wine to fill the cup half way
Top with club soda or mineral water.
Add a splash of lime (It cuts through the blood's overwhelming iron taste)
Garnish with a lime wedge.
Jesus' Flesh Pie

3 cups communion wafers
3/4 cup chopped onion
1 cup grated cheddar cheese
habanero peppers (add to taste)
2-1/2 cups chili
Preheat oven to 350°F.
Spread 2 cups of communion wafers in a baking dish. Sprinkle half the onion and half the cheese over the wafers. Pour the chili over the onion and cheese. Sprinkle the remaining communion wafers, onion and cheese over the chili.

Bake for 15 or 20 minutes until cheese is bubbly, but be sure to pull it out before jesus' flesh is gooey with cheese oil.

Serve hot.

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  1. Thanks for the recipes, JC. Perfect for a vegetarian humanist like myself.

    PS: What's the "H" (your middle name) stand for?

  2. General, Sir:

    That recipe sounds even BETTER than Frito Pie. The Christer Cocktail sounds yummy but this time of the year when it's like 8 fucking degrees out (and about 45 in my kitchen) I'm gonna want someting hot. I think a nice Blood'O'TheLamb Hemolatte is gonna hit the spot. Just substitute hot coffee and Stroh's 151 Rum and you're off to the races.

  3. Pete Bogs

    The "H" stands for Hussein.
    Jesus Hussein Christ.

  4. If you can't shake up the ingredients for the Jesus' Flesh Pie in a Fritos bag, would it be OK to do it oneathem Popish hats?

    P.S. I always thought the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stood for "Hairy."

  5. Anonymous1:54 AM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  6. If you're out of Jesus, you can substitute Ritz crackers for a nice mock Jesus pie.

    PS GordonA - brilliant!

  7. Last weekend for my family Christmas gathering, I served Christ on a Cracker. People just gobbled Him up.

  8. Well, I’m happy to say that we Midwesterners are just as able to bring the crazy as anybody in the South. Woo-hoo!

    Oddly, though, the bright read state of Indiana went for that brown fella in the last election. As if that isn’t one of the signs of the apocalypse. Next thing you know, the Cubs’ll win the National League pennant.

  9. Dear Miss Poppy Hussein Dixon:

    Mocking Jesus, even in a pieish sortaway, is fraught with grave peril. I would suggest using them crackers for a nice side dish of Saltines&Gomorrah.

  10. Any decent Chocolate Jesus recipes out there?

  11. Back in college, we used to make a drink called a Purple Jesus--basically any clear liquor mixed with Welch's grape juice. (By "make a drink" I mean "pour into the largest available semi-clean container.")

  12. I've never understood why there is not a really nice spinach dip for that Jesus wafer. Think about it: Completely kosher - no mixing of dairy with meat, no shellfish, no wearing different fabrics, etc. Clearly no bacon (although spinach dip/wafer/cheese/bacon is teh ultimate of awesome!)

    The spinach dip could symbolize a baptism. The dunking into the pure waters, if you can visualize without guilt (Catholics, I'm talking to you).

    So...I'm boldly going with this idea. The spinach dip is a baptism, the pita chip is the wafer and the beverage of the moment is the blood. I'm inviting the Lord jesus to enjoy this with me, so there is no sacrilidge involved.

  13. One day, I will learn to spell/type at the same time. Life and Vodka are good. Happy New Year!!

  14. Nomi:

    Like this one?

  15. Dan Brown told me sangrea means Jesus blood.

  16. This Mitch Daniels is the same GOP brain trust that sold off Indiana's toll roads to a foreign company because, you know, he just loves America so much. (Check for VapoRub under his tearful eyes.) Hoosiers are just beginning to notice that wasn't such a good idea as the company is steadily raising tolls and there's not a damn thing they can do about it.

    Since his Indiana political career is likely over, think 'My Man' Mitch may be auditioning for a run at the presidency with this cretinous claptrap? He's got a hard row to -- ahem -- hoe with Mommie Dearest from Wasilla on the scene, and the Mittster waiting in the wings, but you almost have to admire his sheer moronic spunk.

    All of you have a reasonably safe and wildly drunken New Year. The horrible 'Bush zero' decade is finally over.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.