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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Amazon Review: "Heaven is For Real"

My latest Amazon review: A little four-year-old boy goes to Heaven and God blesses his family by returning the boy in the form of a cash cow. You can see my review here. Please cast a vote for it if the spirit moves you.
4.0 out of 5 stars Blessed are the Exploited, November 22, 2010
Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back (Paperback)

We live in miraculous times: George W. Bush is a published author; Brystol Palin is an award winning dancer; and this little boy went to Heaven and lived to tell about. Sure, there are cynics who will refuse to see the miracles. They'll point out that President W. plagiarized large parts of his book from The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and they'll say things like, "Have you actually seen Brystol dance?" And most certainly, they'll declare that this child is being forced to lie by adults driven by greed.

I believe the child. I believe he went to Heaven when he was four and then spent the next three years learning how to write so he could tell the world about it. I believe it, not only because Steve Doocey said it was true on Fox and Friends, but also because I've been there too. I've seen Heaven, and it looks a lot like how this young man describes it, like West Virginia, almost.

He's right. Spirits have wings, but they aren't the girly wings we see in angel paintings. These wings are the manly, titanium, sweptback wings of an F-16 fighter, loaded with air-to-air missiles and enough jet fuel to shoot a spirit into Heaven in under three hours.

And about Jesus? The kid is right again. Our Lord and Savior may have been born in the Middle East, but his eyes are as blue as mandrill's hind parts. Man, he looks just like John McCain, a John McCain who chain smokes Camel studs, yells at the kids to stay off his cloud, and forces all the newly dead to play pinochle with him.

That last thing is the worst part about going to Heaven. Jesus is the Son of God; you can't beat him at pinochle. It's humiliating as hell, but you can't complain. He's Jesus Christ. Who are you going to complain to? You just have to sit there and take it while He blows smoke in your face, mocks your hands in that slow southern drawl, and makes comments about how certain parts of you are just too tiny to have been made in His image. It's degrading, but hey, at least you're in Heaven.


  1. Everybody wants to go to Heaven.

    Nobody wants to die.

  2. General Sir,
    True story. Last Sunday, as I watched the Seahawks get a shellacking, there was a knock on the door. Two nice young girls were there and they wanted to talk to me about Jesus, about eternal life. "Do you want to live forever?" they asked. I replied "No, don't you know there's a game on?"

  3. If some illiterate guy like Moe Hammit could get the Kookooran dictated to him in a cave by an angel, and any number of Bibbleical profits could hear directly from the Flaming Lips of Gawd, why not a 4-year-old boy? Seems just as likely to me. In another thousand years or so, out descendants might be kneeling in front of graven images of him. Assuming we have not evolved back into monkeys.

  4. Speaking of Amazon, attention all you Kindle owners, lend me your ears: My liberal/progressive rock-n-roll novel, American Zen, just went up for sale on Amazon Kindle yesterday. So if you own any of the 10 varieties of Kindle, please give my novel some consideration. If you like what you read on my blog, you'll love American Zen and its take on love, life, politics, etc. There's also an option on the right side of my catalog page that enables you to see a 45 page sample and if you don't have Kindle for PC, you can d/l one for free. TIA.

  5. Hey! (Hey!) You! (You!) Get offa my cloud! Hey! (Hey!) You! (You!) …”

  6. Heaven is for real and everybody in heaven is awesome, and even the dead children who live there get to fuck all day long, and they make spirit babies who laugh and sing and turn into ham sandwiches. Or maybe I dreamed it.

  7. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    I think you may have confused Heaven with the Valley of the Shmoos. Just sayin!

  8. Mr. von Ebers, have you heard the Scottish version of that very same song?

    "Hey, McCloud, get offa my Ewe!"

    Or maybe it was a morale sheep...

  9. Ths is truly proof of God. I mean, what if the little tyke was in India and a hindoo? He wouldn't have a clue about who the hell most of these strangers were! His Hindoo father wouldn't be able to tell him either!
    More importantly, if he was in a hospital in India, his parent's prayers wouldn't work. They'd have to wholly depend on being in a hospital with professional doctors in the 21st century. Even Indian doctors are part of the great communo-socio-muslim liberal obamacare conspiracy.

  10. Sorry. I just realized how dumb tha last post was. If Burpo (that sounds foreign to me) was an Indian hindoo kid, he'd have just burn in hell for all eternity as would his heathen father & family. My mistake

  11. Well...I was a wonderin' what a little Indian boy would be doing in heaven anyways.

    Glad you owned up to your mistake BC. BTW, you nailed it with those Indians being part of the vast conspiracy that is everything b. HUSSEIN o.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.