Amazon Review: "Heaven is For Real"

My latest Amazon review: A little four-year-old boy goes to Heaven and God blesses his family by returning the boy in the form of a cash cow. You can see my review here. Please cast a vote for it if the spirit moves you.

Blessed are the Exploited, November 22, 2010

By

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back (Paperback)

We live in miraculous times: George W. Bush is a published author; Brystol Palin is an award winning dancer; and this little boy went to Heaven and lived to tell about. Sure, there are cynics who will refuse to see the miracles. They'll point out that President W. plagiarized large parts of his book from The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and they'll say things like, "Have you actually seen Brystol dance?" And most certainly, they'll declare that this child is being forced to lie by adults driven by greed.

I believe the child. I believe he went to Heaven when he was four and then spent the next three years learning how to write so he could tell the world about it. I believe it, not only because Steve Doocey said it was true on Fox and Friends, but also because I've been there too. I've seen Heaven, and it looks a lot like how this young man describes it, like West Virginia, almost.

He's right. Spirits have wings, but they aren't the girly wings we see in angel paintings. These wings are the manly, titanium, sweptback wings of an F-16 fighter, loaded with air-to-air missiles and enough jet fuel to shoot a spirit into Heaven in under three hours.

And about Jesus? The kid is right again. Our Lord and Savior may have been born in the Middle East, but his eyes are as blue as mandrill's hind parts. Man, he looks just like John McCain, a John McCain who chain smokes Camel studs, yells at the kids to stay off his cloud, and forces all the newly dead to play pinochle with him.

That last thing is the worst part about going to Heaven. Jesus is the Son of God; you can't beat him at pinochle. It's humiliating as hell, but you can't complain. He's Jesus Christ. Who are you going to complain to? You just have to sit there and take it while He blows smoke in your face, mocks your hands in that slow southern drawl, and makes comments about how certain parts of you are just too tiny to have been made in His image. It's degrading, but hey, at least you're in Heaven.