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Monday, December 06, 2010

American Guttersnipe

Kyle Bristow
Proudly White Activist
Norwegian Exceptionalism Movement

Dear Hauptbefehlsleiter Bristow,

I think we're the targets of a COINTELPRO-like operation being conducted by the AOG (Amish Occupied Government). Certainly, someone is feeding you disinformation about my review of your book in order to cause a rift between us. Why else would you call me a "leftist guttersnipe?"

I'm not sure which part of that description offends me more. I'm certainly not a leftist. I'm a patriot, dammit, a conservative man who despises the poor and the wrongly-hued. I believe God rewards the worthy with stock options and punishes the undeserving with variable-rate mortgages. I believe every blastocyst-American has the right to be born so they can serve our nation by working for low wages, or, in the case of the wrongly-hued, be imprisoned and tortured.

As for "guttersnipe," a word you also used to describe the SPLC's Alexander Zaitchik, it suggests that I'm a member of the underclass. Well, like you, I'm a white guy. That means I'm automatically middle class regardless of my true economic status. It's in that secret part of Constitution Glenn Beck is always citing.

People like us are proud of our whiteness, and rightly so. Being born with skin the shade of a frightened Norwegian is probably the greatest accomplishment we'll ever achieve. That's why we cherish our hue so fervently.

I don't know why God chose to make us white. I suspect we must have done him a favor in the pre-existence, maybe we scored Him some lutefisk or taught Him the secret of mayonnaise--who knows. The important thing is we're white. And that's the best thing we got going in our lives. Well, that and nice, warm, alluring, sexy watermelons.

Look, let's patch things up. We can't let the AOG win this. As fellow white guys, we've got to stick together (in a purely heterosexual kind of way). I'm going to reach out now to complement you. I thought you handled the situation with the Anonymous Blogger in a very proudly white way. You know what I'm referring to. You wrote:
I’ve had no more formal training in writing fiction than I have had in learning how to shoot firearms, but my proficiency with the latter is no less accurate than my prose is riveting. (For your viewing pleasure, I have attached to this email a scanned image of a paper target I shot with my AR-15 semiautomatic rifle at 100 yards, which is the distance of a football field.)

By God, you're right. That is riveting prose. It caused my little soldier to spit with delight...seriously...he's still going.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Being born with skin the shade of a frightened Norwegian is probably the greatest accomplishment we'll ever achieve.

    You, sir, have compelled my lutefisk to jump out of its tupperware wintergarten. My lutefisk is in orbit, sir! In orbit!

  2. Bleeding! With leeches! That's the only hope for those not blessed with the colours of Norwegianity to attain something close to God's preferred skin tone. (Offer not valid for races which are melatonin overachievers.)Because it's sexy to look like the undead!

  3. General -- Permission to add something, sir! I followed your links to this guttural sniper's website, and found this revolting sentence from how this Brisket fellow describes his novowel:

    17,000 years ago, white people immigrated to North and South America from Europe, and when the Amerindians arrived by crossing the Bering Strait roughly 12,000 years ago, the latter subsequently and systematically murdered the former.

    THIS GUY IS SAYING THE ASIATICAL REDSKINS WERE ABLE TO KNOCK OFF ALL THE NORWEEGY WHITESKINS! Speaking as someone who has a few Danish ancestors (who are much like Norwegians, except they went south for the winter and stayed there) I much prefer the accepted story, that Amerindians (or Lamanites, if you're a Moormoon) got here first, and then the whitesome, delightsome Europeans came later and kilt enuf of 'em so they learnt some respect. Is this guy Breastow a secret Marmon or something? WHY DOES HE HATE WHITE PEOPLE?!?

  4. General, Sir:

    Hauptstumpbrokecowfucker Bristow is one badassmofo Hitler Jugend (although the bloom is offa the rose in that regard--otherwise Rot Paul would be shaking something other than his hand). His target looks pretty "dainty" though, donchathink? I mean, it looks more like oneathem TeeVee test patterns (I'm guessing about that, you know I don't got no teevee). Where's the target that gots Obamaningo's pitcher on it? Cuz' ya know that's what he REALLY uses.

    I had a neighbor a couple years back who was a army sniper in the 'Nam around the same time I was a AF tippler in Germany. He showed me his range card one day (he shoots accurized AR-15's competively). Same 100 yards, five rounds, one hole somewhat smaller than a half inch diameter (about the same size as Bristow's little soldier--and somewhat larger than his brain). I cannot tell you how pleased I am to see him and Rat Paul in the same photo.

  5. Re his target: so what's he saying? Some type of inversion of Jefferson's famous saying?: "I may disagree with what you say, so I have the right to shoot you to death."

    Interesting how the wingnut's last resort in any argument is "I've got a gun." Guess it's what you do when you don't have brains...

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  7. Hi, found you via a search for C street whilst hiding from work, cold and germs, thanks for making me laugh.
    I read a few lines of this crock on Amazon just to confirm why it is vanity published and to discover, not entirely surprisingly, that the hero Jack is also an AR-15 fan.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.