Proudly White Activist
Norwegian Exceptionalism Movement
Dear Hauptbefehlsleiter Bristow,
I think we're the targets of a COINTELPRO-like operation being conducted by the AOG (Amish Occupied Government). Certainly, someone is feeding you disinformation about my review of your book in order to cause a rift between us. Why else would you call me a "leftist guttersnipe?"
I'm not sure which part of that description offends me more. I'm certainly not a leftist. I'm a patriot, dammit, a conservative man who despises the poor and the wrongly-hued. I believe God rewards the worthy with stock options and punishes the undeserving with variable-rate mortgages. I believe every blastocyst-American has the right to be born so they can serve our nation by working for low wages, or, in the case of the wrongly-hued, be imprisoned and tortured.
As for "guttersnipe," a word you also used to describe the SPLC's Alexander Zaitchik, it suggests that I'm a member of the underclass. Well, like you, I'm a white guy. That means I'm automatically middle class regardless of my true economic status. It's in that secret part of Constitution Glenn Beck is always citing.
People like us are proud of our whiteness, and rightly so. Being born with skin the shade of a frightened Norwegian is probably the greatest accomplishment we'll ever achieve. That's why we cherish our hue so fervently.
I don't know why God chose to make us white. I suspect we must have done him a favor in the pre-existence, maybe we scored Him some lutefisk or taught Him the secret of mayonnaise--who knows. The important thing is we're white. And that's the best thing we got going in our lives. Well, that and nice, warm, alluring, sexy watermelons.
Look, let's patch things up. We can't let the AOG win this. As fellow white guys, we've got to stick together (in a purely heterosexual kind of way). I'm going to reach out now to complement you. I thought you handled the situation with the Anonymous Blogger in a very proudly white way. You know what I'm referring to. You wrote:
I’ve had no more formal training in writing fiction than I have had in learning how to shoot firearms, but my proficiency with the latter is no less accurate than my prose is riveting. (For your viewing pleasure, I have attached to this email a scanned image of a paper target I shot with my AR-15 semiautomatic rifle at 100 yards, which is the distance of a football field.)
By God, you're right. That is riveting prose. It caused my little soldier to spit with delight...seriously...he's still going.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot