Americans for Truth
Dear Mr. LaBarbera,
A new plague is harvesting the souls of our Heartland's children. Minds warped by the devil's bath salts, our future deacons, pastors, and derivative traders are committing the most heinous of perversions--acts so twisted and sick, I'm hesitant to relate them here. But relate them, I must. It's the only way to communicate the horrific magnitude of the plague that confronts us.Here's a tale out of West Virginia:
Mark L. Thompson, 19, was arrested after witnesses stated that they came into his home and found him wearing a bra and female underwear and covered in blood. At this feet was the dead pygmy goat of his neighbor. Thompson told an officer named Cpl. Snuffer that he was high on “bath salts” and “wasn’t in his right mind.”Can you imagine anyone engaging in such a sick act of utter perversion? I mean, my gosh, HE WAS WEARING A LADY'S BRA AND PANTIES. Those bath salts turned him into a full blown homosexualist.
Police found a pink leash around the neck of the goat and a pornographic magazine photo lying a few feet away.
One can only hope that the goat passed before Mr. Thompson slid into those panties. None of God's creatures deserve to witness such twisted depravity.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Mr Thompson would have been more believable if he said he was delusional with fever from small pox.
ReplyDeleteNow, you'll have to pardon me. I have to photoshop more pictures of Dead Bin Laden and email them to FlyOver country republican senators.
General, Sir:
ReplyDeleteDo NOT let Sheliah the Morale Ewe read that report. She doesn't know that men wearing bras and panties are odd--er, I mean, as far as I know, she doesn't. No. I'll be back.
Clearly, no one but a homosexualist would be able to get high off bath salts. Any man who wants his skin soft and smelling good has gotta be at least a metrosexual, if not the full-on homey type. Hets like me scour ourselves with Lava or Go-Jo, even in our shameful parts.
ReplyDeleteLike Demo, I hope the poor martyred goat was not from the morale squad. Do you know how hard those things are to train? "Stop squirming, dammit! No bleating! Shut up or Farmer Brown will hear us!" etc.
Yo Gen,
ReplyDeleteHas it been determined whether the goat was the fuckee, the fucker or just in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Holy shit!
ReplyDeletepropecia