Looking for Virgins in All the Wrong Places

Dear wholesome reality television production company,

I was a bit surprised to find the following ad in Portand's Craigslist:

CALLING ALL VIRGINS!! Now Casting Virgins for New Documentary (18+) (Portland)

Are you a VIRGIN?
Getting pressure to lose your virginity?
Struggling with your sexuality and trying find yourself?

Don't miss your chance to inspire others with your story. The producers of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Deal or No Deal and Wipeout AND a major family friendly cable network are now casting virgins in a documentary style show that will follow you on your journey through life as a virgin.

If you're a virgin and feel like your story MUST be told, then we want to hear you. Email the following information!

- Name
- Contact Numbers
- Email Address & Facebook
- Attach 2 RECENT photos of yourself
- Briefly tell us about your day-to-day life.
- Tell us why you've made the decision to wait.
- How does is affect you and those around you?

Participants must be 18 years of age

Portland? Really? Everybody knows there aren't any 18-year-old virgins in Portland. You should redirect your search toward a community that is more evocative of heartland values.

I'd suggest Wasilla, Alaska.

Well, uh, OK, maybe not Wasilla.

Still, I think you're going about it in the wrong way. You should consider approaching famous people who are known to be practicing virgins. It'd make for a much better show. Heck, you could give it a sexy name like, "Virginity with the Stars."

Rep. Patrick McHenry would be perfect for it. He's a 36-year-old camping enthusiast, who's never been married, and scored a perfect 100% rating from the Christian Coalition in 2010.

He's also known for his philanthropic enterprises. His "Serve the Member" program and "Hostel for Strapping Young Republican Lads" are lauded in all the best backrooms scattered along P Street.

If you're looking to make compelling television, Rep. McHenry is your man. Go get him.