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Friday, October 21, 2011

Looking for Virgins in All the Wrong Places

Dear wholesome reality television production company,

I was a bit surprised to find the following ad in Portand's Craigslist:
CALLING ALL VIRGINS!! Now Casting Virgins for New Documentary (18+) (Portland)

Are you a VIRGIN?
Getting pressure to lose your virginity?
Struggling with your sexuality and trying find yourself?

Don't miss your chance to inspire others with your story. The producers of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Deal or No Deal and Wipeout AND a major family friendly cable network are now casting virgins in a documentary style show that will follow you on your journey through life as a virgin.

If you're a virgin and feel like your story MUST be told, then we want to hear you. Email the following information!

- Name
- Contact Numbers
- Email Address & Facebook
- Attach 2 RECENT photos of yourself
- Briefly tell us about your day-to-day life.
- Tell us why you've made the decision to wait.
- How does is affect you and those around you?

Participants must be 18 years of age
Portland? Really? Everybody knows there aren't any 18-year-old virgins in Portland. You should redirect your search toward a community that is more evocative of heartland values.

I'd suggest Wasilla, Alaska.

Well, uh, OK, maybe not Wasilla.

Still, I think you're going about it in the wrong way. You should consider approaching famous people who are known to be practicing virgins. It'd make for a much better show. Heck, you could give it a sexy name like, "Virginity with the Stars."

Rep. Patrick McHenry would be perfect for it. He's a 36-year-old camping enthusiast, who's never been married, and scored a perfect 100% rating from the Christian Coalition in 2010.

He's also known for his philanthropic enterprises. His "Serve the Member" program and "Hostel for Strapping Young Republican Lads" are lauded in all the best backrooms scattered along P Street.

If you're looking to make compelling television, Rep. McHenry is your man. Go get him.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous5:34 AM

    Why American men should boycott American women

    I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

    American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

    This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.


    BRAND NEW: Buy the Boycott American Women book. After reading this book, I promise you that you will never even think about dating an American woman ever again, or else I will give you your money back. That's right, if you are not convinced by my book, I will give you a full refund!

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    John Rambo


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.