The Inquisitor General Has A Plan

I don't know. It just might work. I sure hope so.



Come to think about it, I bet all this snitching is undermining our troops' morale. That's tantamount to treason.

If Dali had been an unimaginative apparatchik with a bad, bad Fox News jones

Dan Riehl
Riehl World View

Dear Mr. Riehl,

I think you might have what it takes to serve in Our Leader's administration, even perhaps as Inquisitor General* or at least his chief of staff. You have that special instinct for character assassination that is so in demand by this White House. It's a skill Mr. Rove's personal Cheka used very effectively against enemies of the state like former Treasury Sec. Paul O'Neill, Joe and Valerie Plame Wilson, Scott Ritter, the fired US attorneys, FBI whistleblowers Coleen Rowley and Sibel Edmonds and many others.

Today's post on the recruiter is a perfect example of this. Here you have a recruiter who, while acting in her official capacity, tells a young black homosexual to:

GO BACK TO AFRICA AND DO YOUR GAY VOODOO LIMBO TANGO AND WANGO DANCE AND JUMP AROUND AND PRANCE AND RUN ALL OVER THE PLACE HALF NAKED THERE.

Yet you were able to turn it back on her accuser, painting him as some kind of villain who used his homomojo to bewitch her into writing her hate-filled screeds. It was beautiful. It was like watching Salvador Dali paint if Dali had been an unimaginative apparatchik with a bad, bad Fox News jones.

Indeed, your response reminded me of my favorite real estate attorney, Inquisitor General Gonzales's, reaction to a sexual abuse scandal at the Texas Youth Commission when he served Our Leader during his gubernatorial reign. Rather than going after the Our Future Leader's Youth Commission cronies or the guards who admitted to waking boys up late at night for all-night sex parties, Gonzales allowed them to go unpunished because he was convinced that the wicked, lust-driven children were "getting off" on blowing their captors.

Now that, my friend, is a world class example of how to destroy an uppity victim. I'm convinced that you have the same level of raw talent. With a little practice, you could be as good as Gonzales.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*it might be a good idea to familiarize yourself with the Fifth Amendment if you're offered the AG job.

A helmet tip to Pam for once again providing more posting goodness than any man should be allowed to consume in a single sitting.

Elsewhere: Our favorite slave-owning-south-respecting wankee attacks a man who isn't, and doesn't aspire to be, a professional soldier for not acting like a professional soldier.

Who's to blame for the 18 day gap

The French are making much of the 18 day gap in Justice Department emails discussing the US attorney firings. They say it’s highly suspicious that no one at Justice mentioned the firings between the date when the firings were originally scheduled to be conducted, Nov 15, and a date just 3 days before the firings actually occurred.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the Demislamunistofascists would undermine our national security by questioning the veracity of Our Leader and Inquisitor General Gonzales, the Iron Fist of the Conservative Christianist Cultural Revolution. It’s what they do. But I must admit that I’m very taken aback by the fact that they would so openly and apologetically support Al Qaeda.

And they are helping Al Qaeda. We know that, because Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confessed to erasing those 18 days worth of emails. He hoped that it would weaken Our Leader, so that his allies in Congress would succeed in their plan to put "In Mohammed We Trust" on our money.

I’m sure there will be those who won’t believe this explanation. They’ll point to Mohammed’s detention at Gitmo and say it would be impossible for him to hack into Justice’s network. Unfortunately, that‘s just not true. Using a makeshift computer system composed of the silver platters, tea services, caviar spoons, champagne bottles and Direct TV dishes provided to each Gitmo detainee, he was able to defeat Justices network security with the help of no more than five outside number 3 Al Qaeda officials.

Leahy vs. the Inquisitor General

Sen. Patrick Leahy questions Our Leader's special Article II superpowers in this exchange with Inquisitor General Gonzales about the rendition to Syria and subsequent torture of a Canadian citizen.

I was a Negro for the FBI

Alberto Gonzales
Inquisitor General of the United States

Dear General Gonzales,

You're doing a heck of a job, Alberto. It ain't an easy thing to keep the nation's fear level up at the levels required to convince voters to re-elect free-market congressman like Jerry Lewis, Denny Hastert, and Bob Ney. Rants about Muslim devils in the media and on the internet just don't scare people as much as they use to.

But you've changed that with the arrest of the Miami Seven. You've picked a target that scares the living daylights out of the average resident of the suburbs and the heartland. You've added young, black, impoverished, urban males to the terrorist profile. Nobody scares suburbia more than an angry black man.

It was a brilliant move. Catching them is easy. Certainly, there is no shortage of anger in the inner-cities against the system, a system in which young black men are denied the opportunities shared by the rest of society. The hopelessness that pervades ghettos like Liberty City makes it easy for an agent of the State Security Apparatus to find people who are eager to discuss their dreams of committing violence against what they see as their oppressors. The hard part is finding the resources needed to sweep them all up. There are just too many of them.

Perhaps you should get together with Michelle Malkin and create a plan to beef up security around our urban ghettos. You know, make them look more like old school ghettos like the one our ideological predecessors built in Warsaw about 65 years ago. All of the work she's done advocating concentration camps would be very helpful, don't you think?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Taylor Marsh provides more evidence that terrorists dig ninja outfits. It's a theory I've written about before:

State Security Apparatus nabs ninja-clad possible terrorist

American tourists report ninja-costumed terrorist mimes to Scotland Yard

Coast Guard warns public to look out for ninja-clad beach-going terrorists.

Sources and Methods

My greatest fear about the domestic spying hearings has been realized. One of our most important intelligence methods was compromised. It happened during this exchange:

BIDEN: Thank you very much. General, how has this revelation damaged the program?

I'm almost confused by it but, I mean, it seems to presuppose that these very sophisticated Al Qaida folks didn't think we were intercepting their phone calls.

GONZALES: Well, Senator, I would first refer to the experts in the Intel Committee who are making that statement, first of all. I'm just the lawyer. And so, when the director of the CIA says this should really damage our intel capabilities, I would defer to that statement. I think, based on my experience, it is true - you would assume that the enemy is presuming that we are engaged in some kind of surveillance.

But if they're not reminded about it all the time in the newspapers and in stories, they sometimes forget.

Let's take a look at some of the things we've lost because of that little slip:

• Nearly every day since Sept. 11, 2001, Our Leader has reminded Osama bin Laden that he's already attacked the United States. We depended on that reminder. It, and a couple of other measures like locking up brown people and putting dissenters on no-fly lists, allowed us defend the homeland on the cheap. Now that Osama's on to our game, we'll have to actually begin securing our ports and chemical factories until enough time has passed for him to forget the Inquisitor General's testimony.

• Our whole strategy for winning the Iraq Phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People has been blown. It depended on the press airing only good news about Iraq--things like how we're building schools and flying the children we shoot to Germany for the best medical care available anywhere. Our thinking was that eventually, after all the good news crowded out the bad, the insurgents would forget that we were at war with them. Now, we'll have to start the process all over again.

• What's Dick going to do? He received a great deal of joy from retorturing brown people who forgot that they had already confessed to every crime imaginable. Now, he'll need to round up more people to torture, and we just don't have much more space available to house them.

• And let's not forget the domestic impact. Will Amy Sullivan realize that she's been through all this before and decide that Iran might not be the gravest threat we face as a nation?

August pops the kitty question to the Inquisitor General

I'd like to hear the Inquisitor General's answer to August's question. Is he as supportive of kitten flattening as he is of inducing pain approaching, but not equivalent to that experienced during organ failure? My guess is yes, because smashing kitties comforts us when we're afraid that the brown people will get us.

Elsewhere: Has the Frenchman of the Freeways become the Parkway Patriot?

Twelve hours at the White House

The French are all excited about the twelve hours that occurred between the time Inquisitor General Gonzales told Bush Chief of Staff Andy Card about the investigation into Valarie Plame's betrayal and his warning to the White House staff to secure all of the associated documents. They're worried that the staff may have used that time to destroy important evidence. I'm sure that didn't happen. I even have a timeline to prove it.

8:00 pm - Pastor General Ashcroft calls Gonzales, informing him of the investigation.

Our Leader is preparing for his nightly meeting with the Lord by smearing his body with bacon grease and downing a quart of NyQuil.

Karl Rove is holding his hand over a candle to prove that he's tougher than G. Gordon Liddy.

Scooter Libby is waxing Deputy Leader Cheney's back.

8:01 pm - The Special Political Electronic Surveillance team patches Karl Rove into the audio portion of the call. He immediately begins drafting a plan to safeguard important evidence.

8:10 pm - Gonzales informs White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

8:15 pm - Card notifies the White House and Vice Presidential staffs via Blackberry, asking them to preserve the evidence.

8:30 pm - Our Leader places his face into the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord and asks God when he's going to supply him with flower-throwing, liberated Iraqis. God chuckles and punches him in the arm.

Scooter calls his friend, the scoutmaster, and tells him that he can use his office for that urban survival outing they planned but only if they do it that night.

Rove calls Jeff Gannon, White House journalist, and asks him to meet him at the White House.

10:00 pm - Our Leader throws up into the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord and passes out.

Rove has spread out all the important evidence onto the floor of his office. He asks Gannon what he thinks is the best way to protect it. Gannon suggests vasoline. He and Rove strip off their clothes and begin protecting the documents by smearing their bodies with vasoline and then rolling on the evidence.

Scooter's scoutmaster friend shows up at Libby's office with the only two scouts he could locate at such short notice. Scooter anticipated that he'd be working with an understaffed troop, so he brought Ari Fleischer and John Bolton along. They're dressed in ill-fitting Webelos uniforms.

10:01 pm - Rove is heard to scream, "get along little doggie."

10:02 pm - spent and exhausted and covered with documents, Rove and Gannon collapse onto the floor and share a smoke.

10:30 pm - Scooter teaches the scouts how to make a campfire out of things found in filing cabinets. Bolton berates a fellow scout who's having trouble with his fire until the young man cries.

Deputy Leader Cheney is checking Haliburton's latest profit statements.

11:00 pm - Lynne Cheney brings the Deputy Leader two-pints of O-positive and helps him into his sleeping shroud.

Bolton heads off to a bar still wearing his Webelos uniform, hoping it'll give him and excuse to knife someone.

Scooter shows the remaining campers the best way to turn an office into a swimming pool.

Gannon sets off for his next White House journalist appointment, a meeting with Scott McClellen about the best way to preserve important Plame-related documents.

Rove begins workups on all of the possible candidates for special prosecutor.

4:00 am - Scooter shows the campers how to make office mulch.

Gannon finishes his fourth document preservation meeting of the evening. Ken Melhman rewards him with a fifty-dollar tip.

Laura helps Our Leader escape from the millions of "spiders" crawling out of the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord. She gives him a shot of NyQuil and puts him to bed.

5:00 am - Rove returns home. He notices that the newspaper has been thrown into the bushes again and decides to do a workup on the paperboy.

6:00 am - Lynne Cheney restarts her husband's heart and helps him into the shower.

Scooter gives the scouts compasses and tells them to find their way home.

8:00 am - Gonzales emails the White House and Vice Presidential staffs, telling them to preserve any evidence they might possess.

The Inquisitor General stumbles, recovers

I'm torn as to how to react to the news that the Inquisitor General disrobed the Spirit of Justice. On the one hand, he's endangering our mortal souls by exposing us to a naked breast, but on the other, he's paying tribute to the great work we're doing at Gitmo, Bagram, and Abu Gharib.