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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Does Rep. Damschen have a sick lust for melons

Rep. Damschen responded (see below) to my invitation to join the Billion Spermatazoan-American March on Washington, and he wasn't very nice about it. I'm thinking he must be using all this zygote-American protection stuff as cover for some wickedness he's performing against our spermatazoan-American brothers. Here's my response.

Rep. Chuck Damschen
North Dakota House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Damschen,

Thank you for getting back to me, but your argument against granting personhood to spermatazoan-Americans is so obviously wrong, I can only assume that you were being disingenuous. Yes, it is true that zygote-Americans will eventually become real people if they are allowed to develop, but the same could be said of our spermatazoan-brothers. One cannot look at them under a microscope and not see the humanity in their desperately horny wiggling. It's a lot like watching College Republicans at an open bar if you think about it. Sure, the odds of them scoring are extremely remote, but that doesn't mean we should stop serving them Coors.

It doesn't matter whether they are Spermatazoan-Americans or College Republicans, every single one of them has the potential to be a normal human being, and they deserve our protection.

So I have to wonder why you are so dead set on allowing this tubesock holocaust to continue?

Is it because you do not want to stop doing something that by its very nature murders spermantazoan-Americans. I understand you're a farmer. Do you grow watermelons per chance? If so, is that your problem?

You can talk to me about it. I've heard the melon's siren call. I know what it's like to see a luscious watermelon lying seductively in a bed of leaves and vines, the twilight sun gently caressing its smooth firm rind. I know how tempting it is to cut a hole in it and to take it right there in the field. I've fallen for that temptation, myself. I've experienced the incredible sensation of a melon's sun-warmed pulp engulfing my hard wicked tuber, and I've celebrated the glorious planting of my seed deep within its flesh. But each of these brief moments of ecstasy led to the deaths of 412,000,001 spermatazoan-Americans.

There comes a point where the guilt overwhelms you and you just have to stop. That's what I did, and you can do it too. I've produced a video to assist watermelonophiles in their quest to regain purity. I'm enclosing it for your benefit. I hope you find it helpful.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. You may notice that I'm wearing an "Ex-masturbator" shirt in the video. I consider masturbation to be the slaughter of innocent spermatazoan-Americans. Liberating them into a mason jar is an act of salvation rather than masturbation.

Here's Rep. Damschen's reponse to my first letter.
From: "Damschen, Charles D."
Sent: Monday, February 23, 2009 8:42 PM
Subject: RE: The Next Step

When you get a chance, study up on the facts of life concerning how neither egg nor sperm develop life by themselves - the sperm has to fertilize the egg to begin the first stage of life - conception. No life has ever fully developed without first completing this stage. The body develops for approximately 9 months before leaving the womb and then develops for 9 -13 years to puberty, then continues to develop further and reaches adulthood by about the age of 18 -21 years, perhaps later in your case. If you destroy the developing body at any of these stages, development ceases and it dies. Taking the life of this developing person at its most helpless, defenseless stage of development while inside or partially inside the womb is called abortion.

Now you've received more of an answer than deserved. Read it carefully several times until you grasp the understanding of how and when life begins and how and when it ends.

Chuck Damschen
ND House of Representatives
District 10


  1. ...the sperm has to fertilize the egg to begin the first stage of life - conception. No life has ever fully developed without first completing this stage.

    Obviously this man does not believe in the One True God, our Creator who made Adam out of Turf Builder and mulch. Rumor has it that Adam was massaging his snake head when Eve threw an apple at him. Just saying.


  2. Gen'l, I can see you smoke Marlboros -- a manly cigarette if there ever was one, and not nearly so evil of a habit as Onanism -- but what do watermelons smoke? I would think it would be menthols, cause they're so green-tasting and all, but I could be wrong.

  3. Perhaps the good Rep. Chuck has already fought nd won this battle? It might account for how his reply seems so meloncholy.

  4. I am still waiting for any conservative politician or pundit to come on national television and tell us how they saved themselves for marriage.

  5. He wasn't very nice.

  6. General, Sir:

    I'm guessin' that Chuckie raises Oilseed Sunflowers or mebbe wheat. And he's prolly using some GM seedstock. I wonder how GOD feels 'bout dat? Fuckin' with creation, after all, is fuckin' with creation.

  7. Gosh! An I the only one who found that Youtube vid ... ummm, stimulating?

  8. Man, he's talking about Biology, and as I learned is Sister Mary Martha's 8th grade, Biology is for heathens. Procreation is a miracle every single time. Especially for me, when the first miracle is even getting the opportunity to procreate.

    Obviously, this man doesn't believe in Jesus. Hello? Virgin birth, anybody? Surely the Congressman isn't suggesting God blew a load in her woohoo. Yet by the Divine Miracle, Mary's female egg developed into a boy, which is totally contrary to this "Biology" he so deperately clings to in his lost spiritual state. He's just asking for a good rebuking with one of those metal yard sticks from Father Wodehose's 11th grade mechanical drafting class - a whack so loud even the devil can hear it over the screams of his victims.

  9. Anonymous11:07 AM

    Jesus Christ. Hasn’t anybody ever told Damschen that the worst kind of prick is a humorless prick?

  10. Rep. Damschen must be kidding. Of course the spermatozoan-Americans are fully human. So are the ovarian-Americans. If they weren't, why would Christian pharmacists be refusing to fill prescription contraceptives?

  11. It's getting to the point where a story about a heterosexual, happily married (to either an opposite or same-sex partner) Republican leader who doesn't have *really* unusual sexual habits is "man bites dog", the default "dog bites man" assumption is that there's something exotically sexually abnormal about him in the "don't leave him alone with your pets, kids, livestock, or household appliances" sense of abnormal.

  12. Go for it. Let the mother fucking jackasses pass the law.

    Honest to fucking God, even if it hasn't passed yet, every single woman in the state of North Dakota who even SUSPECTS she is pregnant should immediately apply for every monetary and legal benefit allowed for a "person" in that state. TANF, Medicaid, Food stamps, SCHIP--shit, go ahead and claim them this year as an exemption against taxes owed--in this case a woman could have literally had at LEAST 12 humans to claim--what ever a "person" is eligible to get under state law. Drain the coffers and cash yer check, ladies!!!

    In approximately two weeks after figuring out what turds they are, the ND Republicans will be BEGGING the electorate to repeal this law.

  13. Anonymous1:33 AM

    i'm here from Pandagon, a site which has been following this conversation with deep, deep interest.

    i have to ask, General sir, how are you planning on saving all the Ovum-Americans? in the case of Sperma-Americans (its a nick-name, ok?) it is relatively easy to save them. but Ovum-Americans are dead before they leave their happy homeland... that is why they leave to begin with. should we be staging mass interventions in our fallopian tubes every month, to save the Ovum-Americans from bondage and death? (and if they fertilized *during* a Bondage scene, is that ferilization still a good fertilization?). i'm waiting, with baited breath, for your words of wisdom on this keen and important matter of intercession!

  14. Dear denelian,
    YOu are obviously mistaken and in the wrong place, this is a "manly forum", as such Mon General points out to us that only spermatazoan-Americans are worthy of saving cause we all know that there is no such person as a "Ovum-American" (which by the way is a made up word, and even if there were the needs of the many, 412,000,001 of them would be more important then that of the few.

  15. So, uh...

    ...does Torley know about this?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.