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Thursday, February 05, 2009

Unrighteous Rogering

Pastor Steven L. Anderson
Faithful Word Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Anderson,

I think I've been doing a good job defending Ted Haggard and explaining the difference between sinfully dirty same-sex love and the healthy, righteous, heterosexual expression of fraternal respect that comes from the partaking of another man's seed. I hope you and your special acolyte, Brother Stucky, have had similar success in educating your flock.

But now, new information has come out about Pastor Haggard that makes me wonder if he is truly following our Lord's commandments. I'm particularly concerned about this story from Pastor Haggards special acolyte, Brother Grant Haas (as recounted by Sister Pam):
When Haas asked about her [Haggard's wife, Gayle] knowledge of these things, Ted told him "yes, she's a freak too", they went to sex toy stores and even molded a dildo together (calling it "Ted Two"), and put it into him.
I'm not sure what to think about this, so I'm asking you for guidance. Is this kind of thing acceptable? On the one hand, you have Mrs. Haggard strapping on a replica of the pastors little preacher and then giving him a right good rogering. That wouldn't seem to be in keeping with Eph.5:22-24 which commands wives to be submissive. But then again, if he commanded her to do it, it would be an act of submission, wouldn't it? Do you and Zsuzsanna have any experience with this kind of thing?

And, is it possible that by engaging in such an act, Pastor haggard was committing the sin of Onan? After all, he was sexually gratifying himself with his own proxy thingy. Or is being reamed by a replicate thingy acceptable? It's not really addressed in Gen.38:9-10 or anywhere else in the Bible--King James Version, anyway-- as far as I can see. They didn't have silicone to make replicas back then, so it probably never came up. And, I think giving yourself a righteous rogering using natural equipment would be impossible. I know, I've never been able to do it. How about you?

There's also the issue of a woman participating in a sacred fraternal rite for men. It just feels so wrong to allow women to do that. It's unrighteous rogering if you ask me.

Please get back to me soon. I'm not sure how I should address this with my flock, so I'll wait until I receive your response.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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