Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Monday, August 24, 2009

Show us your prenises

Rep. Bill Posey
U.S. House of Representatives

Dear Rep Posey,

The recent controversy about Obama's Terrifying Black Snake of White Insecurity got me to thinking that perhaps there should be a penis registration requirement for some presidential candidates. After all, it isn't the first time our demands to see a presidential member were thwarted. We had the same problem with the Clenis, remember. God, how we wanted to see if it curved.

Now, I don't think all presidential thingies need to be registered. You never heard us demanding to see the Reagan or Bush penises. Unlike Clinton and Obama, they cleared brush with chainsaws--large, loud chainsaws are kind of like big old dinks to us, so it's basically the same thing.

I mean, heh, the sight of the Gipper or W pushing the tip of a long steely chainsaw through a wild tangle of bush does something to a RealAmerican®. It engorges his tree of liberty with the blood of patriotic fervor, and by doing so, makes him feel powerful and in control, as if he were still the master of his plantation or the chairman of his town's White Citizens' Council. It's a rare kind of feeling, one that is not easy to capture without some kind of external stimulation like guns and big pickups, brush and chainsaws, or photos of a demislamunistofascist wanger.

That's why I'm asking you to please add a penis registration requirement for not-RealAmerican® presidential candidates to your birth certificate bill. Well, to for the male ones anyway, because, as you may know, ladies don't have them.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Because we all know that an episode of a utilized penis with a naive White House intern trumps eight years of war crimes, domestic espionage, and using the justice and homeland security departments for political purposes.

    Truly, the Clenis is the root of all evil. there is nothing more to see. Move on.

  2. Real men have guns with long, hard barrels. Bonus points if they have multiple round magazines. It's like an economy-sized bottle of Viagra! You can shoot and shoot and shoot until your hands are shaky. Just like you'd like to do with something besides your long, hard gun barrel.

    I won't vote for anyone unless I see TV news footage of him (not HER - ick!) shooting a gun...

  3. General, Sir:

    At the risk of being redundant I am posting a poem about pretendsident Bush.

    Neo-contata (After J. Kilmer)

    I think that I will never see

    a poem as pretty as a christmas tree.

    A rough thing from nature trimmed up fine.

    Covered with tinsel, lights ashine.

    Kinda puts me in mind of another type of christmas tree,

    A thing that keeps our nation free.

    The one that goes on top of a well after it’s been capped;

    Only kind of vein me and my friends ever tapped.

    An oil derrick, big old, clankin’, belchin’ sumbitch of a rig

    Hooverin’ up the oil, from the earth’s deep bowels, you dig?

    A tree whose branches all are twined together as is manly,

    not splayed out, supplicatin’ like, and gangly.

    It’s proud erection strainin’ against the fabric of the earth

    While it spurts life givin’ fluids for our capitalist rebirth.

    I didn’t mean to make this piece short or curt,

    But poetic thinkin’ makes my head hurt.

  4. These dick-obsessed dudes aren't fooling anyone by injecting politics into their impassioned commentary on male baby genitalia.

  5. GOP 1 to GOP2 -

    "While I was teabagging today, I hAD A THOUGHT..."

    GOP 2 -

    "Was it about Obama's penis?"

    GOP 1 -

    "It was! I could see as if it was right there in front of me. But I swear I didn't see a foreskin."

    GOP 2 - "Um, Cletus, that's not Obama's. I just noticed you fell asleep with your mouth open and started thinking about the head of the young Rep's - Glenn Murphy, and, well, it just seemed like a good idea..."

  6. Anonymous10:22 AM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.