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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The impotence of being almost earnest

Rep. Patrick McHenry
Founder, Rep. McHenry's Hostel for Strapping Young Republican Lads

Dear Rep. McHenry,

It surprises me that so few people understand just how important you are. After all, you are a Congressman. That's important. You're also the go-to-guy for strapping, young, Republican lads who need a bed for the night. That's important. You've been tied to a multiple-murder investigation involving homosexual prostitutes and organized crime figures. That's important too. So why don't people see you that way?

I know it's not your fault. You've tried very hard to publicize your importance. In just the last few weeks alone, you bragged to an audience at a Republican dinner that you had berated a security guard in Iraq. And then there's that video you put up on your website--the one in which you proved your importance my broadcasting all the secret operational military information you had.

But, unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be working. If anything, it's backfired. Your own local newspapers are calling for your head.

We need to turn that around. Below, you'll find my suggestions for other ways to make yourself seem important:

Ways to make Patrick McHenry seem important
  • Get on Fox and announce the exact location of Dick Cheney's undisclosed location.
  • Go to NYC, do the Pope, and put it on YouTube.
  • Do a public demonstration on how to build a dirty bomb with easily obtainable materials.
  • Call Barack Obama, "boy."
  • Take 20 items to the "nine items or less" check out stand. If anyone complains, tell them you can have them "gitmo'd."
  • Bitch slap Geraldo and say "I'm getting away with it, just like Fox."
  • Take Sen. Lieberman's place at the podium the next time a torturer is honored.
  • Stand up in the middle of a floor debate and announce that you're so respected in conservative circles, you often put your "little, but important, congressman" inside Lindsey Graham's mouth without fear of being bitten.
I hope my suggestions help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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