More mockery of our most cherished Heartland values

David Brooks
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Brooks,

Once again, the coastal elitists are mocking one of our most cherished Heartland values. Two of the frenchiest bloggers on the internets, Lafayette and LacDeChienDuFeu referred to a television program in which Washington Post Blogger for Our Leader Ben Domenech discussed his homeschooling experience. The object of their derision seems to be a quote that could be creatively interpreted to be an admission by Mr. Domenech that he went all the way with his mother.

Now, while having such a relationship with one's mother is not as common in the Heartland as "marrying" one's sister or cousin, it's pretty easy to imagine the circumstances that may have brought it about--you're kicking back with mom, watching your worn out copy of Red Dawn on the betamax, and at the part where Patrick Swayze brings down a Soviet Hind-D chopper with an RPG, you notice that his hips move in the same way they moved in the final scene of Dirty Dancing. The thought of Swayze gyrating wildly to pop music awakens something very primal within you. With a quick glance toward your mother, you see that she is also obviously having similar thoughts. At that moment Swayze yells "Wolverines!" mother and son are overwhelmed with passion.

There's nothing wrong with that. It's something very understandable to those of us whose hearts live in the Heartland. Such patriotic, family-oriented reactions are encoded in our moral DNA. We cannot resist them.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

It's worse than I thought; the goat liked Gloria Gaynor songs

Brian Peyton
President, Alpha Gamma Rho Fraternity
Western Kentucky University

cc: Trenton Jackson
Goatboy, Alpha Gamma Rho Fraternity
Western Kentucky University

Dear President Peyton,

When I wrote you yesterday, I was under the impression that you were covering up a little good, old-fashioned, heterosexual livestock love. That upset me because I believed that by covering it up, you were repudiating one of our most cherished Heartland values. Today, after reading a followup story in the local newspaper, I realized that things were much worse than I thought.

From the Kentucky News:

When police officers arrived at the fraternity house at 1436 Chestnut St. at 2:25 a.m. Thursday for the party complaint, the goat was found in a small basement storage room where it had no food or water, according to the BGPD report.

Police were told the goat was in the house because pledges were going to have sex with it, according to a city police report.

The male goat was taken to the Bowling Green-Warren County Humane Society for an examination Thursday afternoon by veterinarian Consuela Reinhart.

"At the bottom of the rectum there was a small abrasion,"; she said.

There was not an extensive amount of bruising, Reinhart said. Other than the abrasion, the goat is in good shape.

Tests showed there was nothing unusual in the animal's stool that would have caused the injury, she said.

Reinhart also said it was unlikely the goat had vomited. Police said the goat was in a confined area where there was vomit.

"Goats can't really vomit. Usually when you find a goat that vomited you find a dead goat,"; she said.

"The goat had been penetrated by something; by what we don't know,"; said Roxie Ross, animal control officer for BGPD.

I think we both know the answer to that question. This wasn't a case of traditional livestock love. Some sick sorry bastard had a homosexual relationship with that goat in your frathouse. AGR will be tainted until that person is found. Even then, you may all need to prove that you prefer more traditional goat/goatherd relationships. Otherwise, you'll be condemned to hear the word "billygoats" whispered wherever you go.

It's no wonder that our society is crumbling when a cherished Heartland value can become as perverted and twisted as this. I bet David Brooks is crying tonight.

What will we tell the children?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to commenter maggie pax for the story lead, and another to commenter Cornellian for reminding me of other acts committed by AGR brothers that demonstrate their devotion to our cherished Heartland values.

The mockery of traditional Heartland values continues

David Brooks
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Brooks,

You may recall that in a previous letter, I alerted you to attacks by the elitist left on one of our most cherished Heartland values, the relationship a man has with his livestock. I cited an exchange between liberal extremist Alan Colmes and culture of life activist Neal Horsley about the latter's "first girlfriend," a mule, as an example of this kind of anti-Heartland bigotry.

The coastal elite's complete lack of understanding of this issue was brought to my attention again today while I was listening to the Michelangelo Signorille show. I had tuned to it on my satellite radio thinking that it might be a hunting or fishing show since it is aired on something called the Out-Q network. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. It was four hours of the same old leftist line about how we should treat homosexuals with dignity and respect. Just what you'd expect from a man with a French name.

At one point, he played parts of an interview he did with Rep. Sally Kern, the Oklahoma legislator who is behind the push to ban tolerance promoting books from the state's libraries. Here's a piece from that interview (MP3 file):

Signorille: Now what about Snow White? That teaches sexuality doesn't it. She kisses the prince and at one point the prince isn't even human; he's a frog.

Rep. Kern: The difference there is that that is still in the heterosexual lifestyle.

See what I mean? Signorille doesn't understand that it's the homosexuality rather than the bestiality we're against. Thank God Rep. Kern set him straight.

That's why I'm asking you, again, to publish a book on this subject. America must be made to understand our love for animals so that they, too, may begin to cherish this important traditional Heartland value as much as we do.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Offer up your todgers unto calves

David Brooks
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Brooks,

As one of our nation's greatest promoters of rural utopianism (the idea that the true America, the most noble America, can only be found in the rural confines of the heartland), you must be very proud of how your ideas have helped shaped public discourse.

Examples of your influence are everywhere. We see it in the elevation of Sarah Palin, a passionately credulous, moose-killing, backwater governor, into a true conservative superstar. We see it in the centerpieces of the traditionalist (secessionist, dominionist, supremacists, and teabagger) movements which hold such great sway within God's Own Party. And we see it in the numbers of those who've so joyously embraced that most cherished of heartland values: livestock love.

For many years, livestock love traditionalists were forced to live closeted lives lest they become objects of ridicule and laughter. But your work of turning rural life into a sacred calling changed all that. People of substance began praising livestock love. Oklahoma Rep. Sally Kern offered it as an acceptable alternative to the sin of homosexuality. Compelled childbirth advocate Neal Horsley spoke lovingly about his relationship with a mule. Sen. John Cornyn painted us a picture of turtle tapping. Even the First Lady, Laura Bush, regaled us with tales of the President's attempts at stallion milking.

Now, a judge has ruled it to be legal. It came in a case against Robert Melia, a Moorestown, Pennsylvania cop. His fellow officers had found videos of him, offering up his little policeman to hungry calves. Burlington County Superior Court Judge James J. Morley ruled that the calves were more likely puzzled than harmed:

"If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, 'Where's the milk? I'm not getting any milk.'"

Unfortunately, there are still those who hate our most cherished traditional values and want to criminalize them:

Burlington County Assistant County Prosecutor Kevin Morgan was certainly irritated by the ruling, claiming the grand jury didn't see the videos of the alleged incident, including one in which one hungry calf allegedly head-butts Melia in the stomach.

"I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man's penis in the mouth of a calf is torment," Morgan argued.

Maybe it's time for you to address the superiority of rural life again in a column.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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God didn't smite those children because of a little livestock lovin'

Rick Scarborough
Vision America
Judeo-Christian Council for Constitutional Restoration

Dear Dr. Scarborough,

Although I agree with your statement that God angrily drowned thousands of little children on the Gulf Coast because he hates homosexuals and Palestinians, I think you owe the many good, godfearing Christians who have special relationships with their livestock an apology for including bestiality among the reasons for God's wrath.

You made a mistake when you overlooked an important aspect of the Washington State case you cited. It wasn't an innocent coupling of a man and a mare, rather, it was an unnatural, homosexual act between a man and a stallion. So you see, God wasn't angry about the bestiality; He was upset with the homosexuality.

I'm surprised that this distinction eluded someone as well versed in modern conservative Christian theology as yourself. It's a-no brainer for most of us. It was only a few months ago when Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern made national news by making that distinction in regard to children's books. And let's not forget anti-abortion activist Neal Horsley's observation that, "when you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

Your mistake is understandable. You've obviously fallen victim to the Coastal Elite's propaganda. They've been attacking cherished Heartland values like livestock love for years. I believe that David Brooks may even be writing a book about it. At least, I asked him to do so. I even provided him with a working title, Congelicals on the Farm: The Left's War against the Conservative Evangelicals of America's Heartland.

Still, one would think that a learned man of God would know better. You're supposed to know these things. You need to make an extra effort to correct your mistake.

It's going to be very difficult for you to get as much coverage for your apology as you received for your original statement. That's why I think you should do it at your next Justice Sunday event. Just slip it in somewhere between a call for the appointment of Godly judges and a plea that God smite the liberal ones. It doesn't have to be very long. Heck, something like this might be enough, "God wants John Roberts to be the next Chief Justice and He doesn't care if you pork horses as long as it's a heterosexual act." Yeah, I think that would do it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Targeting the Heartland

David Brooks
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Brooks,

Your employer is at it again. I guess betraying the most closely-held secrets of Our Leader's War against The People isn't enough for them. Now, they're trying to undermine security at events that celebrate something we in the Heartland hold very dear, our love for our livestock.

In today's Times, reporter Eric Lipton mocks the State Security Apparatus for adding things like Columbia Tennessee's Mule Day Parade and Old McDonald's Petting Zoo in Woodville, Alabama to the National Asset Database, the government's official list of potential terrorist targets that deserve Homeland Security funding. Take a look at the story's lead, and you'll see what I mean.

It reads like a tally of terrorist targets that a child might have written: Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo, the Amish Country Popcorn factory, the Mule Day Parade, the Sweetwater Flea Market and an unspecified "Beach at End of a Street."

By treating security at these symbols of our most cherished values in such a derisive manner, Lipton and Times betray their contempt for the only true Americans, the residents of the Heartland. You know how we feel about our pets and livestock. I've written you before about the passion we feel for our mules, goats, and frogs.

As the only person at the Times who has ever treated the Heartland with the respect and reverence it deserves, we're depending on you to persuade Mr. Keller and Mr. Lipton to issue an apology. We'd also be very grateful if the apology addressed any misunderstanding Times readers might have about Old McDonald's Petting Zoo. Petting may indeed occur there, but only between consenting and committed adults.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian

A base abandoned

David Brooks
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Brooks,

I'm very concerned about the latest news out of the Duke Cunningham so-called "scandal." My hope was that the Republicans would get out of it unscathed once the public understood that Cunningham was merely celebrating free market capitalism in its purest form. For that to happen, the party needed to mobilize its base to help it spread that message. Unfortunately, the party seems to have lost its base just when it needed it most. It's not the base's fault. They haven't abandoned the party; the party has abandoned them.

Yesterday, we learned that Republican lobbyist Brent "co-conspirator No. 1" Wilkes entertained the party's finest at "a hospitality suite, with several bedrooms...first in the Watergate Hotel and then in a Capitol Hill hotel." Now, it's not hard to figure out what those "several bedrooms" were used for. And that's the problem.

Obviously, the party's congressional leadership has lost touch with its base in the Heartland. If they really cared about our most cherished values, they'd have insisted on the provision of stalls and aquariums in addition to bedrooms. Unlike their DC counterparts, the politicians of the Heartland understand this. Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern and Georgia culture of life activist Neal Horsley wouldn't make such a mistake. They'd have made Wilkes buy them an evening of hot, passionate mule courting and frog wooing. They haven't been seduced by the capitol's worldly culture.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot