Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Thanks!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Pam "Atlas Shrugs" Geller: Kids were the True Villians



Our Lady of the Norwegian Jihad points out the real villains in the Norway attacks--the kids who were shot in the camp:
Utoya camp was not Islamist but it WAS something not much more wholesome (by our standards, at any rate).

It was a summer indoctrination camp run by Norway’s ruling Labor Party for up-and-coming children of the ruling elite.

Glen Beck was not far off when he compared it to the Hitlerjungend or Young Pioneers.
The proudly white Mrs Geller also includes a photo to prove the children deserved their fate. She captioned it:
Note the faces which are more MIddle Eastern or mixed than pure Norwegian
A tip of the ol' helmet to: @chelicerata. Here's his blog.

Update: Our Lady of The Screeching Jihad removed the caption below the photo.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Department of Book Reports: What's New

SeattleTammy had hope to prepare a celebration of the short story this week with a report on some anthologies she has been reading, but, unfortunately, some family business has come up at the last minute. Instead, I want to bring to your attention a couple of new book titles that we just received and are anxious to read.

In these days where you cannot go to the bookstore without stumbling over the latest vampire and/or zombie book, Knopf has just published a novel by Londoner Glen Duncan entitled The Last Werewolf (Knopf, $25.95). The book appears to be a literary attempt to look at the werewolf legend as told in a first person narrative by Jake Marlowe. Jake is 201 years old and is the last of his kind, his last compatriot having recently been killed. Jake has settled into a state of despair, and plans to do himself in, ending once and for all, the legend of the werewolf. But it appears he is also being pursued by two different groups who are determined to keep him alive. Duncan is being compared to Bram Stoker. Having loved the Wolfman movies in my youth, I'm eager to read this one.

And for us Science for the Layman geeks, David Kaiser has written How the Hippies Saved Physics: Science, Counterculture, and the Quantum Revival (Norton $26.95). Kaiser tells the tale of some Berkeley physicists formed the "Fundamental Fysiks Group" in the 1970's. Delving into and using ideas of Eastern mysticical thought, and New Age ideas, this group transformed the then moribund field of Quantum mechanics with new insights. Kaiser himself is a professor at MIT and a historian of science.

And back in stock is Adam Mansbach's picture book for every exasperated parent in the world Go the F**k to Sleep (Akashic Books $14.95). It is very funny and will bring a smile to your face.

These books are available at Jackson Street Books as well as other fine independent bookstores.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Our Glorious Confederacy is Still at War

Praise Jesus, the Confederate government finally raised enough money to put their website back up--AND THEY DID IT WITHOUT TAXES! It's a shame the Union refuses to do the same. I'd rather contribute a few bucks to keep USA.gov on line than have my hard earned wages stolen to buy food and shelter for a bunch of lazy old people.

But enough said about that, I found important news on the CSA website I need to share with you.

We're still at war with the Union. It says so on the Confederate States Department of War Page:
It is recognized that the Lincoln war still continues awaiting a peace Treaty with the Federal Union of the United States. The Secretary of War should work with the Secretary of Defense in preparations and planning of security measures.
More about the current state of war can be found in the CSA FAQ (It's like the Declaration of Independence but without all that "all men are created equal" crap):
Since when does a General surrender for a Nation and its Government? Robert E. Lee surrendered his Northern Virginia Army because they were out of ammunition and were starving to death waiting to be overrun by Sherman's well fed Yankee Army who had plenty of ammunition. Several other Confederate Generals were still in the field with troops elsewhere. Meanwhile, President Jefferson Davis was making an emergency relocation of the seat of the Confederate Government, along with most of the cabinet of the Confederate States of America, ultimately headed for Texas where it was believed that the remaining Generals could hold back the Yankee forces. President Davis, however, was captured and imprisoned, but Judah Benjamin, the Secretary of State, escaped to London, England. President Davis and Secretary of State Benjamin both refused to surrender the Government of the C.S.A. and thus no surrender ever occurred and no Peace Treaty was ever signed. Thus a state of war, declared upon the South by Abraham Lincoln, still persists resulting in continued occupation and reconstruction by the military, civil, economic and judicial powers of the Federal Union. Additionally, the Yankee Banking/Corporatist/Communist establishment behind the Federal Union (USA, Inc.) continues to press for more destructive educational and ecclesiastic restrictions towards the establishment of a State Religion of Secular Humanism. (The worship of flawed science and the State.)
Yes, my fellow Confederate patriots, the CSA has outlawed the use of paragraphs--structured writing is a humanistocommie trick. Long strings of sentences are a form of monogamy. Chopping your writing into multiple paragraphs is basically a surrender to promiscuity. The paragraph trains the mind to seek multiple partners for the purpose of dirty, filthy fornication. It subliminally provokes the reader to seek out forbidden cavities to lustfully defile. Read enough of them, and you'll soon be thinking of Mr. Garcia's taut, muscular ass and how much you want to bite it...excuse me for a moment... ... ... ... Uh, yeah. Paragraphs are very bad.

OK, uh, back to the CSA website. It has pages for all of the important departments: State, which pledges to " negotiate a peace treaty between the Confederate States of America and the United States of America in order to facilitate and end the occupation of the Confederate States...;" Treasury, whose page is appropriately blank; Justice, to recruit then there "court troops;" Defense, which plays the part of the defensive team as opposed to the Department of War's offensive troops;" the Constitutional Court, like the US Supreme Court but constitutional; the Security Council, which serves as a multiple bodied president--like during the Bush/Ny-Quil/Cheney/Rush Administration.

But most importantly, there's a page for the Confederate Intelligence Bureau. I think I've mentioned them in other posts, but now I can copy and paste its history and duties:
Beginning in May of 2000 key people in the Southern Independence movement began keeping notes on those who seemed to be doing the greatest damage to the movement by misdirection and by being agents provocateur and who were always attempting to keep the pot boiling so to speak and create internal strife. The intelligence activities continued within the Federation of States under several internal reports and memos were written with conclusions during the summer of 2004. Finally, on November 1, 2004, the Constitutional Court of the C.S.A. issued an order creating the Confederate Intelligence Bureau (CIB).

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Redefining Rick Santorum

Yesterday, Dan Savage, the man who gave Brother Rick Santorum his filthy "Google problem," issued a video warning to the former senator, saying he's willing to do it again:
...I think I demonstrated remarkable restraint. I only redefined your last name. I could have redefined your first name too. I still could.

I'll tell you what. I won't redefine Rick if you don't attack gay people during your campaign.

Now, I've already come up with a new definition for "Rick" just in case you don't behave yourself...
Here's the new definition:
Rick (noun) When a man and a woman have both of their genitals fully stimulated and bleeeeeep that have that kind of milkiness that comes from day old sweat and bleep and they're in the position where she can't get her bleeeep back out unless his inner sphincter relaxed and bleep without crying. And if there's blood, he needs to bleep bleep off with a piece of turkey jerky still bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep and smell like burning hair and bleep bleep dolphin meat off the back of a cat and bleeeeep keeps scooping out anus loads of bleeeeeeep while a couple next to them bleeeeeeeeeep.
Savage continues:
Look Rick, you don't need another Google problem. If you can get though the rest of the campaign without man-on-dogging us. I'll tear this defintion up.

An assortment of other Ricks--Rick Dees, Ricki Lake. Andy Richter, and more--appear throughout the rest of the video, begging Brother Rick to heed Savage's warning.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Utah, We Love Thee

The biggest election scandal of the season is blazing away behind the Zion Curtain. Jon Huntsman's salty language--or more specifically, his use of the "bull manure" word--is causing a media firestorm in the Beehive State:

From ABC-4, the alternative gentile (non-Mormon) station in Salt Lake City:
Jon Huntsman, apparently, can swear like a sailor.

Huntsman, in a recent article in a national magazine, is quoted as using a very bad word.

[...]

In fact Huntsman...is quoted as saying,

"...I know their politics, and I was angry that this guy could be thirty miles north of Islamabad...that's just such b-------, I can't even believe it."

For some, it may be surprising to hear that kind of word from someone with a strong LDS background.
OH MY HECK! I can't believe he said that! I bet the elders are all in an uproar. And the sisters, well, you can't make enough green Jello salad to cleanse your mind after hearing something like that.

Fox 4 News' Chris, Son of Sander, Vanocur continues:
Especially so, if you compare it to the other Mormon in the presidential race.

Mitt Romney has a reputation of being someone who doesn't swear.
Of course not! The man is as pure as the LDS "garments" section at ZCMI.

Oh, wait...
Now, there was one alleged incident during Utah’s 2002 Olympics.

That's when reports surfaced that Romney may have said another bad word, but he denied it.
"Alleged," that's the key flipping word here. Anyone who says they heard Elder Mitt cuss is flipping full of sugar.

But why would Elder Huntsman commit such a grievous sin?
Did Jon Huntsman swear on purpose just to show a national audience he's a regular guy who can cuss?

Or, did Huntsman swear to show he’s not like Romney?
Of course he did. The man has always tried to appeal to the gentiles by being even more gentile than Joe Lieberman.

But what was it Elder Romney supposedly said:
Romney’s worst language, by the way, may be - as reported during Utah’s Olympics - when he says “H-E double hockey sticks.”
No way. I doubt he even debases himself with an occasional "Oh my heck."

Tip of the ol' helmet to Main Street Plaza.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Fighting for our Constitutional Right to Shoot Tamed, Drugged, and Safe Antelope

HotHuntress88@yahoo.com
Central Texas Safari Club
Safari Club International (SCI)

Dear Mrs Huntress,

Thank you for your email "Alert To Everyone Who Is Interested In Protecting the Outdoors." Yes, I want to save the outdoors by helping you fight the US Fish and Wildlife ban on shooting of scimitar-horned oryx, dama gazelle and addax in canned hunting corrals.

I'll never forget the time I bagged my scimitar-horned orx. It was the biggest thrill of my life to sit down next to it, feed it beer until it passed out, put my rifle up to its beautiful hide, and shoot that magnificent beast--then shoot it another five times until I finally hit a vital organ.

A man hasn't lived until he's unloaded a magazine into nature's fanciest goat. It brings you that momentary rush of manly, unfettered bloodlust we all crave so dearly. I thank the Lord for giving me that opportunity.

I bet that's how former Department of Interior official and SCI member David P. Smith felt when he shot Feeble Biff, the Elderly Bison, a few years back.

And no doubt war troubadour Troy Lee Gentry a felt the same when he poked his rifle through a slot in a cage and bagged Cubby the Performing Bear.

These are the kinds of experiences that canned hunting corrals provide for us. We can't give that up. That's why I'm joining your fight to keep them full of tamed, drugged, and safe oryx, gazelle, and addax.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically acceptable, and executing an intoxicated antelope kind of way.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

P.S. I see your email address ends in the the 88 so beloved by our most proudly Aryan brothers and sisters. Do you carry a Mauser Karabiner into the corral?

Monday, July 25, 2011

Travel Channel Tempting Men into Homosexualism and Not-Men into Committing Sin of Klinton

Bryan Fischer
Ed Vitagliano
American Family Association

Dear Mr. Fischer and Mr. Vitagliano,

I saw the most disturbing thing on television the other day. It was on a show called Bizarre Foods. It's host, Andrew Zimmern, is on a mission to introduce patriots to strange, un-American, foreign cuisines. Here's what he had to say about dining with the Arabislamunistosantaofascists of Sicily:
Salvatore’s family has been making products like these since 1854, for five generations….so when he says the sperm is good, who am I to argue.

We drove on to Salvatore’s home for lunch and his wife and cousins made us
Bottarga Antipasti, Tuna Sperm Linguine...
That's right, he ate tuna sperm. Here's a transcript from the show:
00:30:56 Nothing like a little preserved tuna sperm to kind of cap off a good meal.
[...]
00:48:14 Not spongy, but very creamy consistency.
00:48:19 It's like liver. yeah.
00:48:21 If you blindfolded someone and said, "what " they would probably tell you it was poultry liver.
00:48:27 Not quite as mineral-y as cow or vealiver.
00:48:33 That's very good, though.
00:48:34 And nice with the olive oil and capers.
00:48:36 Little salt. it's fantastic.
00:48:38 And I'll tell you something, it's so hard to find some good tuna sperm these days.
Worse yet, he's trying to popularize sperm slurping in America. In this video, Zimmern gulps down a load of blowfish, yes blowfish, spunk in Philadelphiastan.

What if Andrew Zimmern is telling the truth about sperm? What if it truely is a delicious treat? What would happen if Travel Channel viewers decided to try the exotic sperm dishes featured on "Bizarre Foods" and liked them?

Fish sperm is a gateway spunk. Eventually, those who slurp it will seek even harder forms of sperm. It will turn men into homosexualists and drive women into committing the Sin of Klinton. They'll become spunk vampires, gobbling every last drop of essence from the good, god-fearing patriots of the Heartland.

How long will it be before some desperate sperm junkie forces you to stick your little soldier in his or her mouth and milk you like you're a youth pastor at an abstinence convention?

You and your colleagues at the American Family Association can stop this. Boycott the Travel Channel. Boycott it now. Teach them the same lesson you taught Disney, Old Navy and Ford.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Freeper-Americans Applaud Breivik Manifesto

The patriots at Free Republic know a fellow traveler when they see one:
I've seen the video based on the Berwick manifesto and I have to agree with almost all of it. I'm starting to read the manifesto and so far, it is dead on.
--Nowhere Man

He was right about the stifling of speech by the MSM. Perhaps that is where we need to direct our efforts. It is my feeling that the MSM is somewhat culpable because they do try to stifle speech. Perhaps this wouldn’t have happened if he felt his voice was being heard seriously, rather than ridiculed.
--sageb1

The thing is that much of the writing in the manifesto is spot on in its analysis of Islam, the threat posed to Western culture and democratic systems of government by multiculturalism and by Marxism and their sympathizers. There is little evidence in the first 800 or so pages that this is guy who would become so radicalized he would shoot up and blow up innocent people.

He strongly defends and argues in favor of the constitutional rights we enjoy in the United States. He rejects Nazism and other “hateful” ideologies. He shows understandable alarm at the loss of freedoms in the name of tolerance. None of these would be foreign to conservative philosophy. You can tell he researched his subject very well and the argument he presents in favor of protecting Western culture is one I would not fault.
--lastchance

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Breivik defends Pam "Atlas Shrugs" Geller in Manifesto

Jesusopatriot crusader Anders Breivik (aka Andrew Berwick) comes to the defense of Our Lady of the All Caps Screech, Pam Geller and friends in his Manifesto (p. 625):

I have watched, for the better part of a year, a number of decent human beings including, but not limited to, Pamela Geller, Paul Belien, Diana West, the Baron and Dymphna from the Gates of Vienna blog and many others, being at the receiving end of a vicious smear campaign from Charles Johnson and Little Green Footballs which is unlike anything I have seen in my life.

Let's Not Rush to Judgement



From Maliksquared

Elsewhere:
  • Eagerly awaiting Jennifer Rubin's piece in Washington Post blaming Islamunistosatanofacists for Amy Winehouse death.
  • Our Lady of the Concentration Camps: "No, James Fallows, the Washington Post doesn’t owe “the world” an apology. And neither do I."
  • Oslo bomber/shooter Breivik's web posts could easily be mistaken as the work of Michelle Malkin, Bryan Fischer, or Pam Geller. He's definitely a Teaparty-Norwegian Jesusopatriot.

Department of Book Reports: Ernest Hemingway


When I was a lad, not yet SeattleDan, but more like EncinoBoy, I thought myself sophisticated as compared to my peers, when it came to politics and literature. After all, I spent a summer reading Steinbeck, Fitzgerald and Hemingway (interspersed, of course, by the James Bond books). I watched the Jack Paar show, That Was the Week That Was, and made forays into the Tonight Show. My parents had introduced to the satirical stylings of Tom Lehrer.These were the heady days following the Assassination of JFK, the first years of the Great Society, and the great marches for freedom in the South. I was on top of it. I could name all 100 US Senators, the Cabinet heads, and, heck, even many of our Ambassadors abroad.

Of course, to help me keep abreast of the world, I had a subscription to Time Magazine. And my grandmother had one to Life that she would pass onto me when she was finished. I knew that they were Luce publications, and not without much bias. Still, the news was the news, and long before the days of cable TV. On a weekly basis, I was one well-informed adolescent. And so it came to be that I had in my hands one fine Saturday morning a copy of the Life Magazine that contained many of the excerpts from the recently and posthumously published A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway, the memoir of his days in Paris and the Lost Generation.

The book was a revelation to me. Hemingway had, of course, known anyone who was anyone in Paris. He knew their brothers and sisters, their wives, their mistresses, as well as their uncles and aunts. And many of them ended up fictionalized in his first important novel, The Sun Also Rises. The revelation was two-fold. First, I became acquainted with many writers from that time whom I hadn't known about before reading Hemingway. His chapters are vignettes of the people he had known. He tells of a rather blustry Ford Madox Ford, who claims to be snubbing the writer Hilare Belloc. He describes the charm of visiting the Gertrude Stein household, and his later "break' with her (which seemed to come upon realizing that Ms. Stein was a lesbian, though I probably misread it at the time, as I don't think Hemingway was that naive). Hemingway tells the story of Ezra Pound's work to get T.S. Eliot out from under his job in the bank, which was unseemly, to Pound; poets did not and should not work for banks. (Pound himself was getting wrapped up in the monetary theories of one Major Douglas and would soon move onto Fascism once he'd made his move to Italy.) There is a lovely story of being with James Joyce and watching a puppet show on a Parisian street corner. Or, in Joyce's case, listening to the show, as his eyesight had significantly deteriorated by this time. His longest story concerns F. Scot Fitzgerald before he had become "poor Scott Fitzgerald" and a long car trip the two took across France. Hemingway relates along the way of Fitzgerald's many insecurites, including about the size of his penis, which prompted an apparent bathroom check for comparison's sake. And of the even sadder Zelda Fitzgerald whom Hemingway "realizes" was crazy when, at a dinner party, Zelda asks him, "Don't you think Al Jolson is greater than God?".

The other revelation for me was the tone of the stories Hemingway tells. He is gentle, wistful, and almost nostalgic. One writer friend once described Hemingway to me as "that bully" and in many ways my friend was right. Hemingway had created his own public personae that included a brusque way of conducting himself; of a kind of machismo that would be called out for what it was these days; and an insensitivity to other people that bordered on the cruel. A lot of that 'Grace under pressure" is crap, and in his better moments, Heminway probably knew that. But the stories in A Moveable Feast belie all that. He remembers those days in Paris with a fondness and kindness that is remarkable, considering his usual public displays. He recalls the days with his first wife, Hadley, whom he eventually divorced when he fell in love with someone else. Reading of his marriage here, i got the impression he was sorry that he hadn't stayed married to her.

Finally, I think it fairly remarkable that Hemingway achieved this tone here, when his personal life was going to Hell. I'm pretty sure he'd always been somewhat manic, but his later years he had become a complete paranoid.He was certain that he was being followed and had had his phones tapped by the FBI and CIA But, as his friend A.E. Hotchner recently pointed out, his paranoia was not without foundation. The FBI was tapping his phone and watching his every move. (A hat tip to my friend Brian for pointing out this article to me). That Hemingway was able to write such a fine book (he believed you could consider it a "fiction") under these very trying circumstances is remarkable to me. A Moveable Feast, in my very humble opinion, is Hemingway's best and most mature book.

Ernest Hemingway's books remain in print and as always can be obtained from Jackson Street Books as well as other fine independent bookstores. A Hello to other Oak Park denizen, Dave Von Ebers and Democommie, don't be a stranger. You are missed in these here parts.

Friday, July 22, 2011

What Jesus Wants

His Excellency, The Most Rev. Leonard P. Blair, std
Bishop of Toledo

Your Excellency,

I salute your caution in disallowing parishes and parochial schools from raising money for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. As you note, the Foundation does not currently fund embryonic stem-cell research, but “may very well fund such research in the future.”

I agree. We must end all breast cancer research, now, because if a cure isn't found using traditional methods, science will turn it's cold, secular gaze upon our poor defenseless blastocysts, shredding their tiny trophoblasts and greedily ripping the genetic material from the their cute little blastocoeles. It's far better that children lose their mothers, that lovers lose their partners, that parents lose their daughters, that women suffer long, painful journeys to Heaven.

It's what makes God happy.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Heavy Hand of Big Government Quashes Patriot's Quest for "Buck Meat"

As a teabagger-American, nothing angers me more than to see big government arrogantly deny a patriot his road jerky.

The Arcata Eye reports:
The Sheriff’s Office reported a man calling 911 to demand that he be given the “buck meat” from a dead deer on the side of the road somewhere. Arcata Police contacted the man, who admitted calling the emergency line in his roadkill fleshquest. He was told to leave the corpse alone.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Jesus is my Store Greeter



Jesus loves Wal-Mart shoppers. Last Sunday, Jacob Simmons and his fiancée, Gentry Lee Sutherland, returned home from church to discover that a Wal-Mart receipt they had left on the floor had been miraculously transformed into an image of Our Lord and Savior.

Reading the South Carolina couple's story prompted me to to take a look at my own Wal-Mart receipts, and, Praise the Lord, I hit the Jesus jackpot. There, on a receipt for militia wrestling night supplies, was the visage of our redeemer, Jesus Christ.

I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm thinking of gluing it to a purty plate and propping it up on top of my gun cabinet. What do you think?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Mormon Scripture Predicts Bolton Nomination

According to Mormon scripture, John Bolton, a "gentile," will be the Republican presidential nominee. That's my surprising conclusion from research I conducted on "Facsimile #2" in the Pearl of Great Price--one of the four "standard works" of scripture recognized by the LDS (Mormon) Church; the others being the Bible, Book of Mormon, and Doctrine and Covenants.

"Facsimile #2" is a copy of one of the papyri from which Joseph Smith translated the Book of Abraham portion of the Pearl of Great Price.



It all began a few months ago when my grandson gave me a pair of crystals he had grown from a kit Jesus left under the Christmas tree. I quickly fashioned the crystals into a crude Urim and Thummim and began translating Facsimile #2 using the same method Joseph Smith employed--that is, as Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles describes it: “Joseph Smith would put the seer stone into a hat, and put his face in the hat, drawing it closely around his face to exclude the light..."

I began by translating the Reformed Egyptian characters found on the upper outer edge, and was surprised to find that my translation differs from the Prophet Joseph's. I don't know why that is. Perhaps, God waited to reveal a second meaning until a more proper time. The context within my translation would support that.



I translated the characters to mean: "In 2012, a mustachioed lion will rise up to challenge that god-damned Nubian-looking, secretly Baal worshipping, gold-taxing commie bastard from South of Kush." Obviously, Facsimile #2 is referring to the 2012 election.

Curious as to why one panel was printed upside down, I shifted my Urim and Thummim hat to inspect it.



The fact that the panel is upside down suggests that the figures depicted within are no longer living, or, if as I suggest, they are presidential candidates, their races have folded.

From right to left, we see Newt Gingrich (identifiable by his fully erect little statesman) hitting on a "bird," most likely representing any woman within arm's reach. This may be the reason he withdraws.

A female figure stands next to him. Given that she is holding a torch, or light bulb, she obviously represents Michele Bachmann. Next to her is a rather fancy bull, wearing a bow and a very ornate hat. Who could it be other than Michele's husband, Marcus?

The fancy-pants bull is staring at the "package area" of the next figure, a big-haired Rick Perry. Something is going on there, and I suspect it means the downfall of Perry and the Bachmanns.

Behind Perry, a nondescript, rather boring Pawlenty, a hawk-faced Ron Paul, and a dog attracting Santorum are memorialized in the final moments of their campaigns.



Another important panel appears above the left side of the inverted panel. In it's original language, Reformed Egyptian, it says "Tree man-in-tree incomprehensible-squiggling eye incomprehensible-squiggling puking-man-with-thingy-exposed arrogant-prick golf-club.

Upon translation, it becomes clear that it's actually a prediction of a Mark Halperin prediction: a man hiding in a tree will photograph a very drunken John Boehner puking on Eric Cantor as the Speaker attempts to take a leak while golfing. Mark Halperin will declare this to be good news for Mitt Romney (who is depicted in the next panel to the right).



This panel shows Mitt Romney (see great hair) giving a speech in which expresses a series of opposing policy positions. Ensuing criticism destroys his campaign. Halperin's perfect prediction streak continues.

Now, we move on to the final three candidates.



Above and to the left of the Mitt panel, we find one depicting the other Mormon candidate, Jon Huntsman. He will try to capitalize on his earlier successes at appearing youthful and adventurous (riding a motorcycle, drinking Chinese booze) by riding a surfboard. Apparently, that will not end well since the panel is not in the topmost, center position. Facsimile #2 is telling us Jon Huntsman's candidacy will end in a surfing accident or a flabby man-boob controversy.



The Sarah Palin panel appears on the top right. She will continue to see the presidential race as an excellent income-generating opportunity. Her campaign will end after she releases "The True Story of My Commando Assault Against Russiastan." Although very compelling, her story about single-handedly destroying the Kamchatka port city of Antichristograd while serving as Alaska's governor will be met with derision from the lame stream media.



Finally, in a panel located top-center, Facsimile #2 identifies the 2012 Republican nominee. By depicting a bloody mustache, a homemade shiv, and a "poking stick" tipped with a vicious, snarling rat, the panel assures us that Ambassador John Bolton will be the nominee.

What about the other candidates?

Hermain Cain: Well, this is Mormon scripture. He's not...uh..celestially acceptable.

Thaddeus McCotter: Again, this is Mormon scripture. We're not exactly a humorous people.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Moore, Gore, and Sorcery Curse Sarah's Opening Weekend

Our Lady of the Wolf Slaughter should thank the Lord for her $5000/screen opening weekend. Sure, it's only 5.5% of what Al Gore made per screen on the weekend "An Inconvenient Truth" opened. And its a mere 8.3% of what Michael Moore's "Capitalism: A Love Story" made per screen its first weekend, But still, it's almost half the per screen dollars Moore's "Sicko" earned at its debut, and that's a win. It could have been much worse.



Sister Sarah's film, "Undefeated," encountered a problem none of the films made by Moore or Gore faced. Demons bewitched weekend theater goers, compelling them to see that vile orgy of wickedness, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2."

Certainly, many a loyal servant of the House of Sarah approached the ticket booth intending purchase "Undeafeated" tickets, but were stopped short when they came upon the life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Potterian half-giant, Hagrid. Bewitched by the satanic powers of his massive crotchal bulge, their minds slithered into a state of befuddlement--a befuddlement even greater than that they regularly experience in their day-to-day lives--and they entered the theater clutching passes for the Deathly Hallows.

Mormons love Porn...

...and it's good for the blogging business.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Department of Book Reports: More This and That

I've found many more fascinating books in the "42 Cartons". What wide ranging interests these folks had!
Anna and the King of Siam by Margaret Landon, BOMC edition Another book from the actresses' collection. This is a nice little hardback with some chipping to the dust jacket, but still bright with a bit of sunfading to the spine. June Moore wrote on the front end paper: To Judy, My Beloved Daughter. And Margaret Landon's Cousin. From Mama on 7-29-79. Family history notes are written on a solicitation card from President Carter that is still tucked into the front of the book.


Best Russian Short Stories, Modern Library, Compiled and edited by Thomas Seltzer Including stories by Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, Tchekov, Gorky, Gogol, Bunin, Andreyev and more. This 1925 volume is in fantastic shape. The dust jacket is near perfect, and when taken off the book, has the entire list of ML editions to date: "Which of These 415 Outstanding Books Do You Want to Read?"


The George and Ira Gershwin Song Book, Illustrated by Milton Glaser, 1st printing 1960, Simon and Schuster. This oversize folio is a hardback over spiral binding with a slipcase. The slipcase has wear to the bottom opening, else this is in great shape. The Glaser graphics are eye-poppingly bright throughout the sheet music.


200 Omnibus of Jazz by Leonard Feather, Hansen House 1974. A very good copy, with minimal wear and slight creasing to back cover. Jazz bios and sheet music. This copy has newspaper clippings from the mid-80s on how to select a stereo system.


The Center Magazine, Vol I Number 3, March 1968: Harvey Wheeler on the Politics of Revolution. This magazine was published by the Center for the Study of Democratic Institutions, located in Santa Barbara, and was a leading think tank from 1959 to 1977, ultimately closing in 1987. At one time William O. Douglas was the Chair of its board. This issue includes the aforementioned Harvey Wheeler article, as well as an interview with nuclear scientist, Hans Bethe, an article by Thomas Merton, as well as many others.

Of course, there are more cookbooks! Innards and Other Variety Meats by Jana Allen 101 Productions, 1974. I think the title tells you all you need to know.


Uncle John's Original Bread Book by John Rahn Braue, 3rd Printing Exposition Banner Books. The author here is a third generation Baker, and shares his family recipes and a really good explanation of the different rising techniques and results. Charmingly, his essays are sprinkled with corny German jokes.

Future Food by Colin Tudge, Harmony Books, 1st printing TPB 1980. An early look at food politics. From the back:
"By growing or buying good things and cooking them well, you, and your neighbor, can effect the small but collectively crucial changes that could easily take the human race, and its fellow creatures, safely through the twenty-first century. People often ask me, when I proselytize in public places: 'But what can I do?'
Cook, is the answer, Cook with knowledge. Cook and evangelize."


These and other fine volumes can be found at (Jackson Street) Books on 7th. As always, as a gift to our online pals we'll include a free bonus book from our stash of publisher's Advance Reading Copies.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Fox News' Voice Mail Recovery Rangers

Roger Ailes
Fox News Channel

Dear Mr. Ailes,

Early this morning, I discovered I had lost an important voicemail from my life drill instructor (he's like a life coach, but he screams a lot, calls me "maggot," and constantly questions my masculinity.) I'm pretty upset. I've saved that voice mail for years. I like to listen to it when... Well, that's not important.

I'm wondering if you, or your colleagues at News Corp, could help me out by sending me a copy of that voice mail. I received it some time around Flag Day, last year, I think, if that helps.

I just had a thought. You should make recovering lost voice mails a regular Fox News feature--you know, something like CNN "Heroes." I'm thinking once a week, the "Fox and Friends" crew could dip into the corporate files, retrieve a copy of a lost voice mail, and give it to the lucky person who thought it was gone forever. It'd be like when that old sixties show, "Operation Entertainment" would surprise a soldier by bringing his wife to Vietnam, but without the Cowsills music. You could call it "Fox News' Voice Mail Recovery Rangers."

Heck, why not make it a full-fledged show. You need something lighthearted now that Glenn Beck is gone. You could model it on "This is Your Life," and surprise celebrity guests by playing their voice mails to them. I bet Mitch McConnell's are a riot. I'd be glad to help you get it off the ground.

Please put your people to work on finding my lost voice mail. Listening to it, uh, helps me to get to sleep at night.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen JC Christian, patriot

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Patriot Poetry

I find it troubling that conservative poetry doesn't get the attention it deserves. How many of you have heard of Mikey "Conservative Bastard" DeBenedetto or read his seminal poem about compelled birth, "Why I'm coming (about Abortion)?
Why I'm coming (about Abortion)

God is good
God is great
We thank God for our faith
Because it's never to late
To have a baby for loves sake

Mom and Dad love me so
Happy am I to know
I will arrive as a blessed event
Because I am God sent
I love this poem. Rejecting the degenerate rhymeless passion that's enslaved poetry since the beats, DeBenedetto boldly breaks new ground by violently rhyming "faith," "late," and "sake." It's beautifully conservative. It's like the scent of cordite on a summer breeze or the ka-ching of an organ-buyer's purse in a dimly-lit Liberty City tenement.

That, in itself, would be enough, but then he takes it a step further with an homage to Miss Julie's Romper Room prayer. God is good, indeed.

And then there's his epic tribute to Sen. Scott Brown. Take a look at the last few lines and tell me you aren't eager to mutilate a few million social security checks:
Sir Scott the bold.
Will not be told and be sold.
To the highest bidder and fold.
Because he has a soul.
He will not betray the citizens for GOLD.
Our Knight Sir Scott the Bold.
God has a hand on Sir Scott cannot be denied.
Because GOD stands with him with pride.
So much passion, so much fire built upon a meter that shrilly screeches the wonders of a jarring stop. It's no less than Sarah Palin's gubernatorial term set to verse.

Elsewhere: a sampling of other patriot poets.

Tom Zart
Our flag is fabric wove of thread
Carried by heroes live and dead.
She stands for justice and courage too
With her colors; red, white and blue.
Pastor Steven L. Anderson
They had underwear in two sizes: extra-large and small
So I took extra-large and made my single phone call
I was put into cell where the lights are on 24-seven
And lay down to sleep with my stitches eleven.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Godly Advice and the Myth of the Female Orgasm

Sister Failure pointed out a great Christian forum on her blog the other day (currently, she's running Pastor Anderson's poetry). The forum is called "7xSunday."

Go there, and you'll find godfearing people modeling proper Christian behavior, like Sister Mercedes does in one of the "not-men submission" forums:
I had to delete my posts because my husband thought I was in the wrong for posting in a bad light. I am sorry.
And you'll find KJB1611's Godly advice for dealing with homosexualist family members:
In my family, sodomy is a "generational" sin, and it's on both sides of the family. We are very careful when we have our children around their aunt who professed to be a lesbian but who says she isn't now. She's still in rebellion and we have the feeling that she's not being totally honest about not being a lesbian, and even if she is being honest, we know that the desire is still there because she had told us. We do NOT allow the children around her unsupervised, and we don't allow them to be around her often, and when they are it isn't for very long. It's usually at times like Thanksgiving when we go to my in-laws house and she goes too. We feel that the risk is too high in our family with it being a generational thing. The Bible says that we need to be not deceived, evil communications corrupt good manners. 1 Corinthians 15:33. The Bible also mentions that God visits the sins of the fathers to the fourth and fifth generations, so if it is a sin that is in your family, I'd recommend being VERY careful how much contact the children have with that family member.
But unfortunately, sometimes, the un-Jesused con their way in and post lies. That's the case in this post, where a "helpful Free Woman" poisons her sisters by deceiving them with the myth of the female orgasm:
I hope I'm not being too specific, but the climax andiclare is talking about is called an orgasm. And it is something wonderful that God gave both men and women, an ultimate pleasure. I could not imagine not being able to have them as they are not only pleasurable but so relaxing and a stress reliever. There is a special part of our anatomy called the clitoris that is the key to sexual pleasure in a woman, without it it is difficult to reach a climax. I read the book "The Act of Marriage" by Tim LaHaye before I was married and it was so helpful in explaining exactly how this works. A woman can actually have several climaxes in a row, if you work it right, unlike a man.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Freedom Isn't Free

Third Eagle of the Apocalypse and Co-prophet of the End Times William Tapley treats us to a patriotic ditty.

Republican Jesus on the Debt Default Negotiations



I hear Timid Centrist Jesus is ready to make a deal if Republican Jesus will throw in a faith-based stapling program for detached leper noses.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Amazon Review of Rep Sally Kern's Book

My Amazon review of "The Stoning of Sally Kern: The Liberal Attack on Christian Conservatism - And Why We Must Take a Stand" is up. Please help make it "the most helpful favorable review" by casting a vote for it.
4.0 out of 5 stars Froggy Went A-Courtin', July 10, 2011
By
Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: The Stoning of Sally Kern: The liberal attack on Christian conservatism-and why we must take a stand (Hardcover)

It isn't easy being Sally Kern. She issues simple fatwas on morality and the tolerance-o-fascist community reacts in an explosion in anger.

"The Stoning of Sally Kern: The Liberal Attack on Christian Conservatism - And Why We Must Take a Stand" is her response. As she explains in the book, she did not really mean to say homosexualists are terrorists (at least not the white ones). She simply meant that they are as dangerous as terrorists--that two men or two women pledging their lives to each other is as much an act of destruction as flying an airplane into an office building. How can anyone argue with that?

As for her comments about blacks and women, she was merely offering up a critique on affirmative action. So rather than flatly stating that blacks are too lazy to work and women are incapable of it, she feels she should have said, "Employers shouldn't be required to interview blacks and women because they're too lazy and incompetent to hold a job anyway."

See how much different things sound when they're placed into their proper context?

Unfortunately, she doesn't discuss one of her most important contributions to Christian sharia law: the difference between sinful homosexualist love and the normal expression of love between people and their pets and livestock. She explained that difference in an interview with Michelangelo Signorile. When asked why a bill she sponsored would ban books like "Heather Has Two Mommies" but not "The Princess and the Frog," Rep. Kern, filled with the spirit of the Lord, replied, "The difference there is that that is still in the heterosexual lifestyle."

And her grateful constituents let out a righteous cheer. Me, I ordered a dozen Oster GroomMaster Professional Animal Clipper Blades.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Hymns for Brother John Birch

I referenced this song without attribution in Friday's post. It's hard to believe that a patriot like Brother Charlie Daniels once wrote a dirty freakin' hippy song like this.



And a dirty freakin' hippy loved Brother John Birch so much, he wrote a song about it.

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Department of Book Reports: "We Called Each Other Comrade"

Allen Ruff's "We Called Each Other Comrade": Charles H. Kerr & Company, Radical Publishers (PM Press $24.95) is social history at it's best. The subject of the book is Charles H. Kerr, who began publishing Unitarian tracts and books, starting in 1886, was a pioneer of books published in cheap editions and made accessible for the average man. Kerr (1860-1944) led a very interesting life, filled with ideas with many stops along the way. The books he published reflected an intellectual curiosity and showed his migration from Unitarianism, to Marxism, the Socialist Party, the Industrial Workers of the World, and finally to the Proletarian Party, a splinter group of the original Communist Party of America.

Ruff's gift to us in this book is not only the examination of one mans life, but an exploration of ideas current in the late 19th century and into the Pre-World War One years on the left. Along the way we get a history of book publishing (centered mostly in New York, but with a strong presence in Chicago, where Kerr's house was located); the drift of Unitarian thought from it's Congregational roots to the church we would recognize now; to Marxist ideas in American thought; a history of the origins of the Socialist Party, which had a big hand in the founding of the IWW, otherwise known affectionately as the Wobblies; to the suppression of Left opposition to the "imperialist" first world war; and it describes the fractious and turbulent history of the American Left, which resonates even today. It is fascinating stuff.

Kerr himself revolutionized in many ways book publishing, offering books, pamphlets and ephemera at low cost to the customer. Always a man who thought education important, he wanted to make readily available these ideas to the common person. He also started the journal, International Socialist Review (ISR), which along with the Masses, was a very important vehicle for left-wing thought, and became another victim of the Great War when Kerr was not allowed to send it through the mails.. Kerr also translated from the French, the English lyrics to the Socialist anthem, The Internationale, which begins Arise Ye Prisoners of starvation/ Arise Ye wretched of the Earth, which many of you might recognize from the Franz Fanon anti-colonial book. He was a man of solid, middle-class background, who, as he got older, moved more and more to the Left.

The Charles H. Kerr Company still exists today and it's slogan is "Subversive Literature for the Whole Family Since 1886. This is the second edition of "We Called Each Other Comrade", first published in the mid 1990's and reissued by PM Press with a new foreword by Paul Buhle, a noted historian of American radicalism. I should note that the publisher provided me with a copy & a super cool sticker gratis. This book brims with ideas and reminds us that what we suffer today is not new, and must be opposed. "We have been nought/ We shall be all".

I will continue my commentaries on the American Modernist writers soon, with some thoughts on Ernest Hemingway, coming up soon. For now, I did want to tell you about "We Called Each Other Comrade", which is available at (Jackson Street) Books on 7th and fine Independent bookstores everywhere. Visit us on Facebook Jackson Street Books.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Portrait of a Patriot

Ken Myers was almost everything a patriot should be.

He loved Jesus:
He’d quote the Bible forward and back, and had talked about becoming a minister at one point.
He was "a faithful follower of Brother John Birch:"
Myers subscribed to the views and philosophy of the John Birch Society and regularly read its publication New American.
He loved the Second Amendment:
Myers’ collection of firearms included SKS and AK-47 military-style assault rifles. He also had other rifles, including a 30.06 and a .303, along with at least two shotguns, two 9 mm handguns, a .22-caliber revolver and a .38-caliber snub-nose pistol. His rifles were equipped with night-vision scopes, and he had night-vision goggles and a Kevlar bullet-proof vest, McLeoud said. He bolted an older Kevlar vest to the inside of his truck for extra protection.

“He’d always carry that snub-nose in his pocket..."
He trained with the best:
Myers, a self-employed glazier, talked frequently about the “militia training’’ he received in Michigan before moving to South Carolina about a decade ago...
And he was prepared for the big FEMA roundup:
On at least four of those trips, Myers took along waterproof, military ammunition cans stocked with survivalist supplies, including antibiotics.

“He’d bury them along the river bank or string them up with ropes in trees that would be used for deer stands,’’ McLeoud said. “He’d tell me, ‘This is how you prepare for things if the shit hits the fan.’’’
With all that going for him, It's hard to believe he'd do something like this:
Myers fatally shot his 25-year-old wife, Angela Myers; her twin sister, Tabatha T. Brown; and their 50-year-old mother, Vicky May Hook Brown; about four miles from Wagener. He also fatally shot his ex-girlfriend, Esther Baldwin, at another location about four miles from the first murder scene.

As police responded, Myers steered his pickup at three officers. The officers, who weren’t injured, were able to fire gunshots at the fleeing vehicle. After a brief chase, Myers drove back to the scene of the triple murders and killed himself with the same shotgun he used earlier, as the deputies arrived, Elwell said.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Two Things I Learned Today

Time Magazine soft peddles The Great and Terrible Scary Mexican Threat in its overseas editions.



And Flotillanistas, like Alice Walker and Hedy Epstein, are even scarier than scariest scary Mexicans.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Gauging Marcus Bachmann's Commitment to the Heterosexual Lifestyle

Marcus Bachmann
Christian Counselor
First Man in Waiting

cc: Peter LaBarbera
Americans for Truth

Dear Mr. Bachmann

I found a new outdoors channel as I was flipping through the radio, today. It's called Out-Q. I only got to hear about and hour of it and was a little disappointed that the host, Michelangelo Signorile, spent that time talking about you.

I guess it's like watching Animal Planet; you have to watch a lot of ghost shows before you get to see a shark. I'll probably continue to listen to Out-Q; they ran a lot of interesting promos about bears.

Anyway, all the callers were saying they thought the rumors about you being some kind of secret homosexualist are true. A lot of them had that special homosexualist detection equipment called "gaydar." They said you sound like the gay in that "homosexualists are barbarians" video and walk like the gay in another video.

I watched them both, and, hey, even I came away thinking you come off like a pride week princess, but I think I can help you out with that.

All you need is a little man time with me down at the compound. We'll start out by cleansing ourselves of any impure thoughts. That's pretty easy to do. I'll strap one of those plesmograph thingies to your unit and show you some homosexualist porn. If you react inappropriately, I'll spank your hairy bare butt with a spatula until you're redeemed.

Then, we'll spend a few days deressing up like gladiators and watching my extensive collection of gladiator movies. If that goes well, we'll go full warrior by wresting in the ancient manner (naked and oiled) of our Spartan forefathers.

We might also invite Peter LaBarbera over to teach you dress a little more heterosexually. He has a large collection of biker leathers that he wears to recruit the gay into being straight by showing them how cool they'll look in assless chaps. Put on a pair of those and one of those hip wallet chains that fastens to your nipples, and no one will question your commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle again.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Cain Walks Among Us

As a Mormon, I revere the late prophet, seer, and revelator, Spencer W. Kimball. Indeed, if it wasn't for the giving-the-priesthood-to-the-unUtahishly hued thing, I'd say he ranked right up there with Brigham Young, Joseph Smith, and Ezra Taft Benson on any list of the greatest prophets. After all, God chose his prophetical reign to begin bleaching Native Americans.

Unfortunately, few people recall an even more important Kimball pronouncement: Cain is Bigfoot.

From the Prophet's book, "The Miracle of Forgiveness:"
“On the sad character Cain, an interesting story comes to us from Lycurgus A. Wilson’s book on the life of David W. Patten. From the book I quote an extract from a letter by Abraham O. Smoot giving his recollection of David Patten’s account of meeting ‘a very remarkable person who had represented himself as being Cain.’ “

“As I was riding along the road on my mule I suddenly noticed a very strange personage walking beside me…. His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle. He wore no clothing, but was covered with hair. His skin was very dark. I asked him where he dwelt and he replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro. He said he was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the earth, but that he could not die, and his mission was to destroy the souls of men. About the time he expressed himself thus, I rebuked him in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by virtue of the holy priesthood, and commanded him to go hence, and he immediately departed out of my sight…”

Monday, July 04, 2011

Thank You, Jesus

Two hundred and thirty-five years ago, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, slammed a lobster back sumbish Limey's head against the Liberty Bell and told him the King can't take our guns or let not-men own uteri. He then went to the park, barbecued a side of ribs and said, "Take, eat; this is My body, but brushed with a tomato sauce made with sugar and various spices." And after turning a jug of water into Pabst, He continued, "this is my blood...don't roll your fucking eyes at Me, John Quincy Adams."

Source: Wikipedia in a few minutes.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Department of Book Reports: Quality Street

Quality Street: a comedy in 4 acts, by J. M. Barrie, Illustrated by Hugh Thomson (Hodder & Stoughton 1901) Here's a lovely volume from the 42 Cartons I wrote about last week. Id like to talk about why markings in a book (usually markings of any sort mean the value of the book is dramatically reduced) can actually be a fascinating aspect. This would be a valuable volume without these defects, but I'll try to show you why I think these are quite charming defects.

The text block is tight, and the boards are not separated from the body of the book. The illustrated endpapers show little browning.
Over all, the book does have a few problems, the main being that the text has numerous cross-outs and both pencil and ink notations heavily throughout. The half title page tells us the original owners name was June Moore. A taped in newspaper clipping has browned the paper due to pH issues over the years. The very final page has a rectangle cut out of the top outer corner.

Here's the title page to give you an idea of the Thomson drawings.


Here is the newspaper clipping, which is the San Francisco Chronicle's Mon, Mar 10th obituary for George Stevens, the director & producer of many Hal Roach & RKO movies, including I Remember Mama, Shane, Giant The Diary of Anne Frank and of course, Quality Street.


And here we have what I consider the hidden jem of this book:

At an audition
Mr.Stevens, chose
me for the lead!
Then he was ill
and had to give
up directing! The
new director bro't
along his own
leading lady----
& I, was left with
nothing. TRAGIC!

I really can't believe she's referring to the Stevens film of Quality Street, as all movie databases say that Katharine Hepburn begged Stevens to make it as a come-back vehicle for her. The only reference I find to QS from Hepburn herself is on page 201 of her memoir, Me
I had made a string of very dull movies.



The tipped in plates are lovely and bright with coverlet pages that have a pen & ink drawing and the picture's title printed on them. Some of these sheets are loose, but are all intact.


And here is a page typical of the mark-ups and writings. First penciled in, then later finalized in ink, these are the working script notes from Ms. Moore's audition. I've been unable to find exactly which production she was referencing, probably somewhere in California, the family had lived in San Diego & San Francisco.

The last page has yet another touching note to the reader:
I memorized this whole play.


Quality Street and many other fine volumes can be found at (Jackson Street) Books on 7th. As always, as a gift to our online pals we'll include a free bonus book from our stash of publisher's Advance Reading Copies.

Friday, July 01, 2011

A Kiss, a Shiv, and a Pastor named Faggart

A Kiss And a Shiv

Pastor James Belcher
New Light Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Belcher,

Wickedness reigns in this world. There is no better evidence of that than the vicious assault you suffered at the hands of that "friend of homosexualists," Joan Parker.

You had done nothing to her. You were simply preaching the word of God by randomly yelling the words "sodomy, wrath, and cheeses in a long, righteous, schizophasian loop. Yet that 74-yr-old woman chose to assault you in the most soul-shattering way possible, by gently hugging you and a kissing you on the cheek.

Yes, it could have been much worse had you not turned your head to deny her your lips. But still, a smooch on the cheek is a violation so hideous in nature, the fact that she missed your lips provides little solace.

Some condemn your response, claiming that, somehow, her actions were more Christ-like than yours. But they worship a modern, effeminate Savior. They bow down before a counterfeit love-thy-neighbor-espousing anti-Jesus, a filthy hippy of redemption foisted upon us by so-called "nice Christians."

We know better. If you are to be faulted for your response at all, it is because your response was timid in comparison to what Our Lord, Jesus, would have done. He'd have beaten that sin-excusing homophilist to a pulp. And then, after quickly fashioning a home-made shiv from one of your ribs, He'd have shanked her like a cheap C-Block snitch. Because, that's how our Jesus rolls, baby.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

And a Pastor Named Faggart

Pastor Jeff Faggart
Harvest Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Faggart

The spirit seemed to really animate you during the Salisbury Gay Pride Parade, Pastor Faggart. I mean, hey, it almost seemed personal to you, Pastor Faggart. It was as if God had touched your heart in a furiously wrathful way, stoking your hatred of homosexualism like it was an assault on your very identity. Please share the secret of your righteous anger with the rest of us, Pastor Faggart.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot