Billion Spermatazon-American March on Washington

Rep. Chuck Damschen
North Dakota House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Damschen,

Congratulations on the passage of your bill granting full civil-rights to zygote-Americans. It's a great start, but we both know it is only that, a start. Trillions upon trillions of our spermatazoan-American brothers continue to be murdered every hour in our nation. This tubesock holocaust must end.

Purity pledges aren't the answer. Men need to liberate the spermatazoan-Americans imprisoned within their gonads on a regular basis. Without such a release, A man's system gets backed up, causing him to slip into an O'Reillian state of constant, uncontrolled rage.

A law is needed to ensure that spermatazoan-Americans are cared for after their liberation. The law doesn't need to be burdensome--it should simply require men to liberate their spermatazoan-Americans into a mason jar they keep in a cool place (I use my cellar) until it can be transferred to a federally-funded Christian housing facility (built with stimulus money).

But as you know, it's very difficult to pass that kind of legislation. People just don't grasp the seriousness of the spermatazoan-Americans' plight. We need to raise public awareness, like African-Americans did in the Sixties with their March on Washington.

And that's what I'm thinking we should do--we should have a Spermatazoan-American March on Washington. But it needs to be big. It needs to be a Billion Spermatazon-American March on Washington.

Now, I know that might sound a bit ambitious, but it's easily achievable. The average man provides freedom to 412,000,000 spermatazoan-Americans per each liberation episode (I release 412,000,001). That means, together, we could provide almost 85% of the spermatazoan-Americans needed. We just need to recruit another guy.

I think it should be Prince. He's a famous singer, so his participation would help us publicize the event. He's also a very pretty man, and that might come in handy as we perform the liberation ritual  (which we'll do standing in a circle at Lincoln's feet within the monument).

I'd like to get together with you to plan this out in a bit more detail and, perhaps, get a little practice time in. Please let me know when you're available.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: Rep. Damschen replies; I respond.

Does Rep. Damschen have a sick lust for melons

Rep. Damschen responded (see below) to my invitation to join the Billion Spermatazoan-American March on Washington, and he wasn't very nice about it. I'm thinking he must be using all this zygote-American protection stuff as cover for some wickedness he's performing against our spermatazoan-American brothers. Here's my response.

Rep. Chuck Damschen
North Dakota House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Damschen,

Thank you for getting back to me, but your argument against granting personhood to spermatazoan-Americans is so obviously wrong, I can only assume that you were being disingenuous. Yes, it is true that zygote-Americans will eventually become real people if they are allowed to develop, but the same could be said of our spermatazoan-brothers. One cannot look at them under a microscope and not see the humanity in their desperately horny wiggling. It's a lot like watching College Republicans at an open bar if you think about it. Sure, the odds of them scoring are extremely remote, but that doesn't mean we should stop serving them Coors.

It doesn't matter whether they are Spermatazoan-Americans or College Republicans, every single one of them has the potential to be a normal human being, and they deserve our protection.

So I have to wonder why you are so dead set on allowing this tubesock holocaust to continue?

Is it because you do not want to stop doing something that by its very nature murders spermantazoan-Americans. I understand you're a farmer. Do you grow watermelons per chance? If so, is that your problem?

You can talk to me about it. I've heard the melon's siren call. I know what it's like to see a luscious watermelon lying seductively in a bed of leaves and vines, the twilight sun gently caressing its smooth firm rind. I know how tempting it is to cut a hole in it and to take it right there in the field. I've fallen for that temptation, myself. I've experienced the incredible sensation of a melon's sun-warmed pulp engulfing my hard wicked tuber, and I've celebrated the glorious planting of my seed deep within its flesh. But each of these brief moments of ecstasy led to the deaths of 412,000,001 spermatazoan-Americans.

There comes a point where the guilt overwhelms you and you just have to stop. That's what I did, and you can do it too. I've produced a video to assist watermelonophiles in their quest to regain purity. I'm enclosing it for your benefit. I hope you find it helpful.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. You may notice that I'm wearing an "Ex-masturbator" shirt in the video. I consider masturbation to be the slaughter of innocent spermatazoan-Americans. Liberating them into a mason jar is an act of salvation rather than masturbation.



Here's Rep. Damschen's reponse to my first letter.

From: "Damschen, Charles D."
Sent: Monday, February 23, 2009 8:42 PM
Subject: RE: The Next Step

When you get a chance, study up on the facts of life concerning how neither egg nor sperm develop life by themselves - the sperm has to fertilize the egg to begin the first stage of life - conception. No life has ever fully developed without first completing this stage. The body develops for approximately 9 months before leaving the womb and then develops for 9 -13 years to puberty, then continues to develop further and reaches adulthood by about the age of 18 -21 years, perhaps later in your case. If you destroy the developing body at any of these stages, development ceases and it dies. Taking the life of this developing person at its most helpless, defenseless stage of development while inside or partially inside the womb is called abortion.

Now you've received more of an answer than deserved. Read it carefully several times until you grasp the understanding of how and when life begins and how and when it ends.

Chuck Damschen
ND House of Representatives
District 10

The Texas Spermatazoan-American Purchasing Act of 2007

Sen. Dan Patrick
Texas State Senate

Dear Sen. Patrick,

Kudos to you for introducing SB 1567, the Texas Baby Purchasing Act of 2007. Undoubtedly, it will save the lives of many blastocyst-Americans.

But what about their tiny spermatazoan-American brothers? Your bill does nothing to protect them. Indeed, it completely ignores the tubesock holocaust. I hope you'll consider amending SB 1567 to address this terrible oversight.

It's a lot easier to protect spermatazoan-Americans than you might think. All you need is a few collection points around the state, a number of modified milking machines, a good supply of mason jars, ink that fluoresces under UV lighting, a few Perry Como albums, a stipend for the donors, and a lot of cellar space.

Here's how I see it working. You offer every man in the state a stipend, say $15 dollars a visit, to drop by their local legislator's office every couple of days to liberate their little spermatazoan-American citizens. To prevent cheating, we apply a UV fluorescent ink to their hands when they visit and then examine their little soldiers under a black light at their next visit. This will allow them to have normal relations with their wives while alerting us to any inappropriate touching on their part.

I know what you're thinking. It won't work on Democrats, because they like to put their little soldiers in ladies mouths -- often while they're trying to kiss that mythical sailor in the boat the femislamunistofscists are always so excited about -- but I think that's something we can work on for the next legislative session.

I'd like to go into this with you in more detail and show you my modified milking machine prototype. It's great. I call it Sheila. I haven't left the trailer since I built it.

Please have your legislative assistant give me call to set up an appointment.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Whippin' It Out For Compelled Childbirth

Rep. Lynn Wachtmann
Chair, Health and Aging Committee
Ohio House of Representatives

cc: Janet Folger Porter

Dear Rep. Wachtmann,

Although I think it's great you invited a Fetus-American to testify before your committee, I'm concerned you didn't offer the same opportunity to our Spermatazoan-American and Ova-American brothers and sisters. They have stories--horrible stories from the spun cotton death chambers of the tubesock and tampon holocausts--that need to be heard as well.

I believe I can get Pastor Grant Storms to provide your committee with a billion newly-freed Spematazoan-American witnesses. You may have heard of him. He promotes the heterosexual lifestyle by going to playgrounds, whipping out his holy staff, and liberating his trapped Spermatazoan-American brothers onto the monkey bars.

I don't think it has to be monkey bars. I bet he'd liberate them onto the witness table's microphone if that'd be more convenient.

Please let me know if you're interested, so I can arrange things with Pastor Storms.

Heterosexually, yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

We May Lose in Mississippi, but We're Still Liberating Spermatazoan-Americans

Sure, we're losing in Mississippi, but, dammit, there are other ways to help our tiniest citizens. My Huckebee Center for Liberation and Housing of Spermatazoan-Americans is nearing its fourth birthday.

Here's the press release announcing its grand opening in January 2008.

Press Release

***Embargoed until 3:00 pm PST, Sunday. Jan. 20, 2008***

Contact: Gen.JC Christian, patriot

The Mike Huckabee Center for the Liberation and Housing of Spermatazoan-Americans Opens

January 20, 2008 is a day that will live forever in the hearts of Americans, for it is the day the Mile Huckabee Center for the Liberation and Housing of Spermatazoan-Americans opened it's doors for the first time in Tremonton, Utah.

"I've worked hard every day of my life to get to this point," said Center Director Gen. JC Christian shortly after Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter cut the ribbon and opened the facility. "I've been saving Spermatazoan-Americans from the Tubesock Holocaust for years," Gen. Christian continued, "by liberating them and providing them homes in mason jars I kept in my cellar until I ran out of room. This facility gives me the space I need to continue to give them their freedom."



Gen. Christian got the idea to name the Center after presidential candidate Mike Huckabee when he heard Huckabee state his support for the Georgia Personhood Amendment and the Human Life Amendment to the United States Constitution. "I thought if Gov. Huckabee supports granting civil rights to embryo-Americans and to the little 70 cell blastocyst-Americans, then surely he supports the rights of our tiniest citizens, the spermatazoan-Americans," Gen. Christian recalled. "I believe that if Gov. Huckabee achieves the presidency, he will finally put an end to the tubesock holocaust," he continued.



The Center is composed of three sections. The first is called "The Liberation Station." It is here where the hard work of liberating Spermatazoan-Americans is done. Special materials, including a Sears Catalog and a photo of Rosie Palm, are provided to make the liberation process easier.



The second section contains rows upon rows of shelves where the freed Spermatazoan-Americans are housed in mason jars until a good family is found to take them in.



The last section is the Liberators Hall of Fame. It's a large framed exhibit which features some of the greatest Spermatazoan-American liberators, men like Sen. Larry Craig and "Disco" Rudy Guiliani.



###

My response to the Army of God

Rev. Donald Spitz
Army of God
Pro-Life Virgina

Dear Rev. Spitz,

Thank you for leaving a comment on my Mainstreaming Our Confederate-American Heritage post. You're absolutely right. I erred in labeling Eric Rudolph a terrorist. It was a typo. I meant to call him a Hero of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution. While I freely admit that I'm a terrible typist, I have no idea how I could have gotten so many letters wrong--that is, I have no explanation other than it must have been the work of Satan, or as Tommy Thompson might claim in a friendly, respectful, and complimentary kind of way, the Jews.

Fortunately, my readers are all good god-fearing people. They understood what I meant. They know how I feel about Rudolf's war against Christianity's greatest enemy, the Olympics. They've witnessed my own anger over the blasphemy that is greco-roman wrestling, a "sport" that makes a mockery of the greatest of the ancient warrior traditions, Spartan-style wrestling, by requiring that the contestants be clothed and their Spears of Manly Domination remain sheathed.

As harsh as your comment was, I'm very glad you made it. It gives me an opportunity to talk to you about an even greater evil. It's a practice that kills more Americans than any other, including abortion. Of course I'm talking about the Great Tube Sock Holocaust in which billions upon billions of our tiny Spermatazoan-American brothers are murdered every year for a few seconds of pleasure.

I've been working hard very hard to liberate our Spermatazoan-American citizens and provide them with safe, secure homes in Mason jars I keep in my cellar, but I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't enough. Nobody is doing anything to stop those responsible for the slaughter. Perhaps it's time for the Army of God to go to war against the masturbaters. Heck, maybe you could even ally with the Family Research Council to fight it now that Tony Perkins is an admirer of the Phineas Priesthood.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Mike Huckabee Center for the Liberation and Housing of Spermatazoan-Americans Opens

Press Release

***Embargoed until 3:00 pm SLT/PST, Sunday. Jan. 20, 2008***

Contact: Gen.JC Christian, patriot

The Mike Huckabee Center for the Liberation and Housing of Spermatazoan-Americans Opens

January 20, 2008 is a day that will live forever in the hearts of Americans, for it is the day the Mile Huckabee Center for the Liberation and Housing of Spermatazoan-Americans opened it's doors for the first time in the Pini Region of Second Life, http://slurl.com/secondlife/Pini/91/19.

"I've worked hard every day of my life to get to this point," said Center Director GenJCChristian Homewood shortly after Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter cut the ribbon and opened the facility. "I've been saving Spermatazoan-Americans from the Tubesock Holocaust for years," Homewood continued, "by liberating them and providing them homes in mason jars I kept in my cellar until I ran out of room. This facility gives me the space I need to continue to give them their freedom."



Homewood got the idea to name the Center after presidential candidate Mike Huckabee when he heard Huckabee state his support for the Georgia Personhood Amendment and the Human Life Amendment to the United States Constitution. "I thought if Gov. Huckabee supports granting civil rights to embryo-Americans and to the little 70 cell blastocyst-Americans, then surely he supports the rights of our tiniest citizens, the spermatazoan-Americans," Homewood recalled. "I believe that if Gov. Huckabee achieves the presidency, he will finally put an end to the tubesock holocaust," he continued.



The Center is composed of three sections. The first is called "The Liberation Station." It is here where the hard work of liberating Spermatazoan Americans is done. Special materials, including a Sears Catalog and a photo of Rosie Palm, are provided to make the liberation process easier.



The second section contains rows upon rows of shelves where the freed Spermatazoan-Americans are housed in mason jars until a good family is found to take them in.



The last section is the Liberators Hall of Fame. It's a large framed exhibit which features some of the greatest Spermatazoan-American liberators, men like Sen. Larry Craig and "Disco" Rudy Guiliani.



-END-

The American Decency Association fuels my lust train to Hell

Bill Johnson
American Decency Association

Dear Mr. Johnson,

I finally shot an email off to McDonalds complaining about their sponsorship of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. I say "finally" because it took me four days to write it. I just couldn't quite get past the part of your sample letter where you wrote:

The women used their bodies to lure and entice while the camera focused in on barely covered crotches and breasts, mostly bare bottoms, and cleavage.

The imagery of that sentence is so vivid, it sent me into a hellish spiral of impure thoughts every time I read it. Heck, I copied and pasted the above quote to this email seven hours ago, and it's taken me this long to expend enough energy liberating spermatazoan-Americans to be able to write this paragraph. I bet I've taken three full mason jars of these tiniest Americans down to the cellar for storage.

That's the hell your sample letter has put me through for the last four days. It's been one unending cycle of reading the sample letter, having impure thoughts, liberating spermatazoan-Americans, and making trips back and forth to Seattle to redeem myself by visiting the man who spanks naughty men for money. If it wasn't for his Terrible Spatula of Redemption, I'd be hellbound for sure.

Please take a few minutes to edit the sample letter so that others do not repeat my experience. Perhaps it could be rewritten to say this: "The ladies flaunted their lady parts in a way that was lustful in nature.

Damn you. Damn you to Hell. That little bit of editing cost me another three hours of spermatazoan-American liberation. My poor little soldier is now rubbed so raw he's bleeding. I doubt he'll ever be the same again--heck it takes ten of Limbaugh's Little Love Pills to get him to stand at attention on my very best days as it is--today's action ain't going to help. I just pray to God that I won't also go blind.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Blastocysts of War

Laura Bush
First Lady of the United States

Your Ladyship,

I don't know if you're aware of the plan (Operation SCROTUM) to send 500 billion blastocyst-American commandos to the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. I only heard about it today. It's unfortunate that I learned of it so late, because, as you know, I've been working on various aspects of blastocyst-American warfare for quite some time. There are a number of holes in the plan that I could have identified early in the process had someone thought to ask me.

From what I've seen of the plan, it appears that the force is totally composed of infantry. That's bad. Little balls of protoplasm can't march worth a damn. It'll take them forever to reach their objective.

They'll need light cavalry, like the spermatazoan-American cavalry I keep in mason jars down in my basement. You remember them, don't you? I wrote you about my squiggly little troopers about a year and a half ago. You had just told the folks at the correspondents' dinner about your husband's passion for stallion milking. I asked you to send me his harvest to use as mounts for my troops. I didn't hear back from you, but I assume you've filled a lot of mason jars since then. I'll need you to send them to me right away, so I can put my tiny warriors in the saddle for some pre-deployment training.

I'll also need your help in getting me an appointment with the Commander in Chief (if Dick's not available then I'll settle for your husband). I need to brief him on my plans for a blastocyst-American draft and my work designing a firearm small enough for a blastocyst-American to use.

I'm very close to finishing the firearm. The only problem left to overcome is recoil. Since blastocyst-Americans don't have shoulders, the rifle tends to tear a hole all the way through my little test marksman every time he squeezes off a shot. I know we don't worry about such defects in our regular army's equipment, but we're talking about blastocyst-Americans here, and our recoil problem could be considered to be a form of abortion.

Anyway, like I said, I'm almost there. All I need is a little black budget funding--let's say $10 million, a Zenith P60W26P 60" Plasma Flat-Panel HDTV, and a Sony DAV-FX100W Wireless Home Theater Dream System--and I'll have the little assault rifle ready for production in no time.

Oh, and I'll also need parkas for the frozen embryos. Those poor little snowflake bastards will shatter the moment they hit the drop zone unless we warm them up first.

That's about it. Please get me what I need as soon as possible. I'll be waiting.

Heterosexually yours (in a way of which my wife, Ofjoshua, would approve),

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

PS. I heard about your eyebrows, and I'm praying that the Lord will see fit to heal them of their paralysis.

A Republican National Committeeman with Spunk Enough To Share

Joette Lookabaugh
Fremont County (ID) Prosecutor

Dear Mrs. Lookabaugh,

Thank you for retaining GOP National Committeeman Blake Hall as your county civil attorney. You could have taken the easy route, like Bonneville County did, and fired him after he was convicted of throwing used condoms onto his ex-girlfriend's lawn on ten different days.

But you didn't. You understood that his conviction and subsequent resignation from the Republican National Committee was punishment enough. But even more importantly, I suspect you saw his used condom deposits as the heroic acts of love they were.

I can imagine how it all came about. He was in a funk after losing the woman he loved. It wasn't his fault. She just began to hate him more and more as she got to know him better. It's the kind of thing that happens to true American men like him and me. It's the patriot's curse.

My guess is he began devising schemes to get her back, eventually landing on the idea that they might grow close again if they shared the responsibility of caring for another being. Maybe he picked up a dog and waited in his car outside her house to give it to her. Perhaps, he was playing his radio and a Charlie Daniels song came on. As a not-man, you might not be familiar with how a Charlie Daniels song like "Stroker's Theme" affects a man. It gives us a hankering, a mighty hankering, to liberate our seed.

Not wanting to murder defenseless Spermatazoan-Americans, he'd have used a condom to temporarily house the little squirters until he could take them home to his cellar full of Mason jars. He'd put it on and then start yanking furiously in time to Daniel's fiddling until he filled its reservoir tip to the bursting point with his teams of huddled gametes yearning to swim free . Once finished, he'd carefully remove it and place it on the seat next to him as he zipped up his pants.

Of course, the dog would immediately eat it. That's the nature of dogs. They hate America, but they love the taste of our tiniest citizens (or so I'm told--don't believe a god damned word Cletus tells you, and, anyway, what a man does with his own damned peanut butter is his own damned business).

Witnessing that kind of wanton murder is bound to make a man think, and I suspect that's what Blake did. I figure he decided to modify his plan and give his ex his seed rather than some cryptocomunistofascist Spermatazoan-American-eating dog. They could raise the little buggers in Mason jars together, as a couple.

It was a good plan, and one that might have worked had he kept at it for longer than ten days. I don't think there's anything more romantic than when a suitor lovingly lobs his seed onto his true love's lawn. She'd have given in eventually. What woman wouldn't?

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and non-seed-based-wooing kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Geov Parrish.

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Remembering Our Embryo-American Heroes

Rep. Stacey X (nee Campfield)
Tennessee House of Representatives

Dear Rep. X,

I want to like your bill requiring that death certificates be issued for aborted embryo-Americans, but I don't see the logic behind it. Why limit it to the aborted? Don't miscarried embryo-Americans and blastocyst-Americans deserve death certificates too. And what about those little snowflake-Americans? Shouldn't the little frozen bastards get death certificates when someone drops their petri dishes?

And do I even have to mention our poor spermatazoan-American brothers? Literally billions of them die terrible deaths in dry tube sock deserts every time wrestling or 24 is on the TV. Shouldn't they all get death certificates as well?

It just doesn't make sense to limit your bill to simply aborted embryo-Americans. If I didn't know better, I'd think that you're just pulling a cheap political stunt, like you were accused of doing when you tried to join the Black Caucus.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Real Men Shoot a Blessed Arrow

Brian Martin is a sinner. He rejected God's command to multiply and be fruitful and, instead, chose to shutdown his spermatazoan-American highway by having a vasectomy.

But now, brother Martin is repentant and wants to restore his vasa deferentia to their former glory. But that kind of retooling is costly. Thankfully, Blessed Arrows, a group that helps "Christian couples to confess openly their sin, repent before God and others, and act on that repentance through obedience in putting their bodies back the way God designed them," is willing to help.

They've established a fund to help Brother Martin and have raised $669.16 of the $2000 needed to bring his salad shooters back up to Jesus' standards. But they can't do it alone. They need our help. So please consider helping Brother Martin regain the ability to shoot blessed arrows by sending a few dollars, chickens, or mason jars filled with liberated spermatazoan-Americans to the fund.

A mason jar a day will ruin a man

Ian Schwartz
HotAir.com

Dear Mr. Schwartz,

I was sorry to hear that one of your readers, Chad Castagana, was arrested for mailing white powder to Keith Olbermann, Nancy Pelosi and others. While I'm sure you're glad that such acts aren't treated as terrorism when patriots are involved--Chad will not be tortured or denied habeas corpus--you should still be concerned about why he was caught. He obviously became careless, and I think the reason for his carelessness can be traced to a weakness many patriots, probably including yourself, possess.

A review of his posts at your old blog, the Free Republic, and other sites reveal him to be a man who is desperately seeking to fulfill his heterosexual destiny. The sheer depth of his longing is so evident in these posts, one can almost hear the drool splatter on his keyboard. Unfortunately, his beliefs about how a woman should be treated virtually guarantee that he will never achieve his dreams. He appears to be destined to live a life of sexual frustration.

While there's nothing wrong with that--indeed, sexual frustration fuels our conservatism--we can become consumed by it. I suspect that's what happened to Chad.

My guess is that he tried to satiate his desire by launching a war of liberation on the behalf of his spermatazoan-American children. I'm sure he took a measured approach at first, fighting only enough battles to fill a mason jar every couple of months or so, and thus leaving him with enough spare time to adequately cover his tracks in his other war, the one he waged against Olberman, Pelosi, and their ilk.

But as time wore on and his frustration grew, I suspect his crusades to free spermatazoan-Americans grew more and more frequent, until finally, it became a full-time endeavor. He no longer had time to take proper security precautions in his other work, the white powder war. You can't do that when you're filling a mason jar a day and worrying about cellar space.

I hope you haven't fallen into the same trap. Reading your posts over the years certainly causes me to worry that you might. Please try to keep it to a mason jar every couple of months and you'll be ok.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Brady's choice

I want to thank John Moltz for organizing a campaign to convince Jim Brady to appoint me to fill the Karl Rove Chair of Official Truths at the Washington Post. It will be difficult for anyone to fill the shoes of the former occupant, Ben "Xerox" Domenech, but I think I'm up to the task. Please drop by John's site, read his letter, and then send Mr. Brady one of your own. Heck, you can just copy John's--Brady won't notice. His email address is executive.editor@washingtonpost.com.

Here's my letter.

Jim Brady
Executive Editor
washingtonpost.com

Dear Mr. Brady,

Please consider my application for the position of Conservative Blogger at washingtonpost.com. I have over three years of blogging experience at Jesus' General, the Official Organ of the Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution. I've also served Our Leader as a ghostblogger at His unofficial blog.

Once you've taken a look at the work I've done at Jesus' General, I'm sure you'll agree that I have a lot to offer washingtonpost.com. I'm well known in blogging circles for being the first blogger to write about the plight of Blastocyst-Americans and their cousins, the Spermatazoan-Americans.

My advocacy for these most vulnerable of citizens doesn't end at the keyboard. I've organized "NASCAR Jackets For Frozen Embryos" campaigns and lobbied the First Lady to form a Spermatazoan-American cavalry unit. Furthermore, not only did I invent a tiny firearm that Fetus-Americans can use to defend themselves from gynecologists, I've also asked the NRA to help me develop a "Ziggy the Zygote" program to teach them how to safely use their little pieces.

Like the Post, I was an advocate for Our Glorious Iraq Adventure long before Our Leader created his justification for launching it. Currently, I'm helping to prepare the groundwork for the Venezuelan Phase of Our Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People. While most of my colleagues were simply transcribing Otto Reich's leaks regarding Chavez's nuclear ambitions and ties to Mus-Com terrorists, I was writing about Venezuela's acquisition of Vogon battle cruisers. My colleagues have yet to catch up with me on that one.

Most importantly, with me at the Post's blogging helm, you and your bosses will never be faced with the thing you fear most--a phone call from the White House expressing disappointment with your content. I don't care how bad the news is, I'll shape it to make Our Leader look like he actually knows what he's doing.

I also have a very good relationship with the Senate and House Republican caucuses. They were touched when I offered them my Shiv Making 101 class and Rep. Delay loved my "If Amway Sold Smokes: Multi-Level Marketing in a Prison Setting" seminar.

Best of all, I've never worked as a harlot--no Jeff Gannon problems here--nor have I stolen another writer's work--Mr. Dickens approved my A Story About Two Places piece. You have nothing to worry about from me unless you're uncomfortable being around a man who is 110% heterosexual. That reminds me. Don't believe a damned thing Cletis says. He's a liar.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

P.S. Like Deborah Howell, I hate fucking reader cocksuckers.

I've been raptured

They were right. The Rapture occurred just after Sundown last night. It was pretty cool. I was just sitting there in my underwear, eating Cheetos, and typing away on the internets tubes, exposing Obama for eating the entire cast of Touched by an Angel, and all of a sudden, I found myself sitting in a booth in some celestial Cracker Barrel sharing chicken fried steak with Ronald Reagan, Anita Bryant, Jesus, and Lee Greenwood.

I guess Lee and I were part of the very few to make the cut. Jesus said he liked my Spermatazoan-American liberation work and zapped me up so I could be the Official Blogger of the Rapture (that's why you can read this). And He said He grabbed Mr. Greenwood because He received a lot of prayers asking Him to shut the singer up. Lee seemed to be OK with that as long as he could still sell tees.

It's been pretty cool for the most part. I could have gone without Grandma telling me she saw me pat my robertson all those times--she wasn't happy about it. But in the end, even that was good, because it gave me an idea. I've spent the last few hours watching celebrities fornicate. Anita helped me out with that. She says she "loves watching the Pope get his freak on."

President Reagan is very excited about the Tribulation beginning. "Best thing since the War on Terror," he says. He's organizing Tribulation watching parties with Roberto D'Aubuisson. Should be a lot of fun.

Well, I gotta go. God's hearing Orly Taitz's lawsuit about Jesus' being born in Samaria.

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Full disclosure: my new campaign position

I haven't told anyone about this until now, because I wanted my readers to be the first to know. Today, I named myself to the position of Independent Director of Internets Tubes Communications for the Michael Savage for President campaign. Although it's an unofficial, unpaid, and completely independent position, I think it's important that I disclose it so you, my readers, are aware that I'm no longer a neutral observer when it comes to presidential politics.

I chose to help Michael Savage for a number of reasons. First, he promises to prosecute his political enemies--he calls them "scum-sucking vermin"--for sedition and make them lick lead paint the moment he takes office. Second, he likes killing people, so we can rest assured that he'll continue pursuing our current foreign policy. Third, I think he might be the first president to ever sodomize one of our enemies. At least he likes to fantasize about it a lot. He reminds me of Our Leader in that way.

Finally, and most importantly, I think he's the only potential candidate who has the vision to implement my two pet projects: abstinence education for bonobos and creating tax incentives to promote the liberation and storage of our tiny spermatazoan-American brothers--it's time we ended the tube sock holocaust. OK, maybe Sam Brownback would support these projects as well, but he's a papist. Mitt and McCain might support either or both projects on Tuesdays too, but by Wednesday, they'd oppose them. And I think it's probably prudent to keep Rudy away from the bonobos as much as possible.

My first task is to convince Mr. Savage to run. He says he'll seriously consider it if 5 million people vote yes on this web poll (he has 3 million yes votes so far). So please head on over there and cast your vote. And when you're posting in some other blog's comments or message board, please encourage others to follow your lead.

Elsewhere: ¡Happy Birthday Nez!

Sen Vitter and I share an acolyte

Sooner or later, I knew others would join me in my fight to save our Spermatazoan-American brothers from the tubesock holocaust.

Update: I thought this guy might be a satirist, but after doing a little research, I learned that he is a high functioning autistic person. That bit of info changed the video from being funny to being cruel and exploitative, so I pulled it.

Scroll down to the next post.

New Years Eve with the General

New Years Eve

Please join me at the best New Years Eve Party held on a roof next to a Spermatazoan-American liberation and housing center named after Mike Huckabee anywhere.
Cafe Wellstone in Second Life.

*Wednesday, Jan 2

2pm
Dancing at Etopia Eco-Village
Etopia Eco-Village

6pm
Live Music Night!
Joaquin Gustav is playing incomparable tango guitar direct form Buenos Aires, Argentina. Set yourself up with a fruity drink with umbrella...you'll feel warmer and mellower listening to him.
The Lonely Yak Roadhouse

*Thursday, Jan. 3

6pm
George Lakoff, Glenn Smith and Eric Haas all of the Rockridge Institute will be guests of Virtually Speaking in Second Life on Thursday Jan. 3 at 6 p.m. The dicussion will focus on National Health Care, and how that issue can be framed.
The panel discussion will be followed by an informal groups conversation about the early results from the Iowa Caucuses.
InWorld Studios

*Friday, Jan. 4

6pm
Dancing Liberally at the Beach
Join us at Tanna's Winter Home as we dance to Mike Huckabee's new hymn about the immorality of the sperm whale (yes, it's Mike Huckabee sperm joke week at the General's place).
Tanna's Winter Home


*Saturday , Jan. 5

8 am
radi Roffo
electro, electro clash, minimal, techno. http://www.myspace.com/clubvital
Conscious Lounge

9:30 am
Welcome to Conscious Lounge!
A quick tour of our spaces, and what we are doing. New folks welcome. ^_^
Conscious Lounge

10 am
Lag4Peace meeting.
Planning future actions + whatever gets added to the agenda. All are welcome; contact any1 Gynoid or solidad Sugarbeet for details.
Conscious Lounge

Noon
Open/facilitated discussion on left issues; topic will be announced a few days before the discussion. Last week, we had an engaging conversation about the situation in Pakistan; this week...who knows? We'll see how the week unfolds.
Conscious Lounge

2pm
CL expansion blowout PARTY!
We now have two spaces, one of which is in the amazing activist and non-profit community Commonwealth Islands (http://slurl.com/secondlife/Commonwealth%203/129/16/32); also, the original space has been extensively expanded and overhauled, as in: - 120 seat capacity - over 12,000 m2 - more djs and live music - two classrooms - a theater - vendor space (social justice tees and such) and a commons - and dj mycki spins badass electro, hip hop and drum n bass for the gig! Come feel the /thump, and celebrate! WOOT! :D :D :D
Conscious Lounge

7pm
Broken New Years Resolutions All-Request Blow Out
Bring your cigarettes, cake, and booze to the Lonely Yak and lounge on the couch in your unused athletic gear as DJ Rocky wallows with you.
Dick Cheney will have broken his vow to be nicer at 12:01 January 1, so this will be ancient history. Good thing cause we're keeping our new location a secret from him.
The Lonely Yak Roadhouse (New Location)

*Sunday, Jan. 6

11 am
DJ Andi spins the hard beats. Come wear your baddest, sexiest gear and get apocalyptic with us. EBM and Industrial means you want it.
Conscious Lounge

The absolute true tale of the adventures of Gov. Mark Stanford, double-naught spy

By the time you read this, you may "know" where Governor Mark Sanford's been for the last week. I put the word, "know," in quotation marks because all you'll really have is the official explanation. It'll probably be something like he wandered off into the woods or he ran off to blow some guys in a restroom to prove his heterosexuality or he hung himself in some kind of compassionate act of Spermatazoan-American liberation--you know, the kind of thing we conservatives are apt to do in our free time.

But any such explanation would only be a cover story to hide the truth about what he's been up to. You see, Gov. Sanford has been on a secret mission.

It's rather obvious if you think about it? Why else would a good family man leave town for a week without telling his wife or kids where he was going, or even that he was gone. Indeed, his mission was so secret, he couldn't risk calling them, not even on Father's Day.

So what was he really doing? My sources say he was in a secret Twitter war room along with some of our greatest Keyboard Kommandos--people like Allahpundit, Erik Erikson, and Pete Hoekstra--demonstrating solidarity with the people of Iran as we eagerly await the order from America's greatest conservative leader, Benjamin Nethayahu, to bomb the shit out of them.

Godspeed, Gov. Sanford.

Photo Credit

Shoot the liberals

Chad Groening
American Family Association
One News Now

Dear Mr. Groening,

I have to admit I was a little worried when I saw you had written an article about Lt. Col. Buzz Patterson's latest book, War Crimes: The Left's Campaign to Destroy Our Military and Lose the War on Terror. Far too often, when his name appears in print, it's accompanied by words and phrases like "rabid," "insane," "crazy," "foaming at the mouth," "strangelovian," and "fucking nuts."

I should have known better. One News Now is not your average secular rag, it's an official organ of the American Family Association, and as such, you're always going to treat Lt. Colonel's righteous rantings with respect, no matter how deranged they might appear to the secular public.

I like your approach. It's much less confusing your way. Let's take a look at how you reported this story and compare it to how the secular media, say the Washington Post or CNN, might have gone about it.

After establishing the Lt. Colonel's credibility by noting that he once carried the president's nuclear codes, you quote Patterson saying:

The Left has become a fifth column...I don't think that we can win either this war against global islamic extremism or any other war without first coming to grips with the fact that we have this internal enemy that we have to defeat from within.

You follow that quote with a series of other statements reinforcing Patterson's argument that liberals should be lined up and shot.

The secular media wouldn't have been so accommodating. They'd have followed the quote with a sentence similar to this: "Democrats, in an act of extreme partisanship, accused Patterson of overstating their support for our terrorist enemies."

See how confusing that is? Your reporting is much easier to understand. It was also very helpful of you to end the article with this note:

Editor's note: Websters defines "fifth column" as a group of secret sympathizers or supporters of an enemy that engage in espionage or sabotage within defense lines or national borders.

I'm glad you did that. It guides your readers to make the proper conclusions about the extent of the left's treachery.

But as good as your article was, it wasn't perfect. I'm very surprised that you didn't define the other big words you used in the piece. Think about it. How many of your readers understand such complicated concepts as "entrenched" and "demoralized?" A little more hand-holding was needed.

I'm also surprised that you didn't address one of the left's most insidious methods of undermining our national will: the use of lattes to pollute our precious bodily fluids. I can't tell you enough how much damage their lattes can do. It's been over a year since my last cafe mocha and I'm still having a hard time filling a pint-sized Mason Jar with liberated spermatazoan-Americans every month.

Ed Vitagliano, wouldn't have allowed you to overlook such an important piece of the story when he ran AFA's news operation. You know I'm right. His pieces outing Lenny the vegetarian shark, Dora the Explorer, and Bob the Builder as homosexuals are legendary. You're going to have to try harder if you want to continue the high standards he set.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot